Divorced Woman with kids : Your opinion

[T84]

I've been seeing this woman off and on, she has 2 kids and going through a divorce. We flirt etc. have a great time; her Ex is giving her a hard time with the kids and pretty much trying to get her to come back to him. I asked her what's been going on with her and that's when she told me all the drama and she "shuts-down" when everything is going bad, i can understand that a lot of people do that. She ask/tells me to keep calling her and texting her however she doesn't reply back much. I want to be patient and understanding so i guess I'll do what she asks of me, is that a good idea?

 

I'll tell you alittle of what's going on and please tell me what you think.

Reason for the divorce is that he used a lot of drugs and started to beat her infront of the kids.

Ex trying to get back with her. She refuse to talk or even look at him.

Ex does not want the kids and is making her take care of them.

She doesn't have a place of her own and might have to move to her Mother-in-laws house (accross state). she has to work 2 jobs and go to school at the same time.

 

We live down in South FL so it's hard to get your own place on your own.

I don't want to forget about her i want to help her and 'be there'.

[greensleeves]

You don't give the reasons for their marriage breakup, but I'd stay out of the picture until she sorts out her life. They have kids, so the best case scenario is that they work things out, which is difficult when there's someone else waiting in the wings. If she has children with this man, she's being very childish by refusing to even talk to him. It sounds like a very messy situation.

[Aurian]

Many will tell you to stay away period until the divorce is final. In this case, I might have to agree. Its not necessarily the fact that the divorce isn`t final yet (I know myself how long the legal process can sometimes take), but the fact that there is still a lot of emotion and drama.

 

Has she had time to come to terms with the divorce? Has she been able to process what happened, been able to sort out her feelings and needs?

 

How long has this been in the process? Is there a chance that one or both might change their minds?

 

What does she want to do? It seems odd that she doesn`t reply to you much. Is she afraid of starting a new relationship when her old one is still full of drama?

 

Perhaps its best to back off and just be a friend for now?

 

 

 

Edit - he started beating her? Then she might need even more time to sort out her feelings before starting a relationship. My ex-husband was abusive too, and once I left, I was terrified that anyone I met would also be a wolf in sheep's clothing too. She might be enjoying the attention but frightened to go any further.

 

Also if she is so overwhelmed that she is shutting down, then its probably too soon to start a new relationship.

[T84]

You don't give the reasons for their marriage breakup, but I'd stay out of the picture until she sorts out her life. They have kids, so the best case scenario is that they work things out, which is difficult when there's someone else waiting in the wings. If she has children with this man, she's being very childish by refusing to even talk to him. It sounds like a very messy situation.

 

I added the reason to my post,

I know I should give it time and space, but i want to help. At the same time I think that is a bad idea.

[redhearts]

Be a friend at the most, shes emotionally unstable.

[T84]

Divorce is pretty recent about 2 months.

She never really did want to be with him, (as she told me) it just happened that way when her parents separated and she got prago. And the drugs and all crossed the line.

I want to keep the 'friends' but i don't want it to remain friends, once your in that 'friends zone' your pretty much stuck....

[Aurian]

I understand your thoughts there, you want to be supportive, yet you don`t want to be "friend-zoned."

 

I think most posters will say that she isn`t ready for a relationship. I agree. Rushing into a new one may make it harder for her to feel comfortable with you as a boyfriend, and you may end up being a rebound guy.

 

I think its great you want to support her though. She will need support for sure. Maybe find a way to let her know that you`d love to be more but you just want to be her friend until she feels ready? However, I see that she may have to move away (certainly too soon to ask her and her children to move in with you!), so maybe you would have to be content with being friends until then. A long distance relationship under these circumstances would be extremely hard.

[T84]

I've been in a long distance relationship lasted for a long time until i decided i need a career before starting anything further such as getting married, and i already know if it come to that it won't work (long distance) however keeping the friends will...

This doesn't seem so promising on what i want out of this. Maybe I should just stay away and let things be. I don't know how to be supportive yet let her know that i want more....after shes ready.

 

I wonder how she wants to be treated. This is where you be patient and it MIGHT payoff?

[SupaflyTNT]

I can't even begin to tell you how fast you should run away from this situation. You're setting yourself up for a long, long road of uncertainty and frustration.

[T84]

Not to be rude or anything Supafly but everybody is telling me to run run run and no real advice on how to win win win.

[just M.E.]

T84 -

 

Briefly, my opinion, take it with a grain of salt as we are all different.

 

I have been her, the divorced mother with children starting in a relationship before I should. Was it a disaster? Nope, 13 years later he dove into alcoholism although he always had that family genetic threat there. He was a good person, he was a friend and someone I trusted and my daughter cared deeply for also. Yup, I loved him, it was hard to watch him destroy himself, we broke up, had never married.

 

She needs to be aware of her need for self awareness and probably some form of therapy or divorce counseling. She is a woman that a lot of men will pass over. Take your time, don't be afraid of letting her lean, she probably needs some of that. Talk to her about your situation with her, tell her you worry about what happens to her.

 

Those things are all OK. Keep your eyes wide open, be aware and watch for red flags. She may not be ready for a new relationship as others have said, but she may also need to feel she is still an attractive woman. A divorced mom who has been abused will easily doubt herself.

 

You're a big boy, if you choose to go forward, just be honest with yourself, it isn't always easy.

 

Just be careful, honest and open. Help her in that sense, she may need to relearn how to relate and communicate. You and her will both learn form this is you do it right, if you and her are right for each other, time will tell.