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Damo

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I am need some advice, I have spoken to friends and read online but I find little solace.

 

My wife and I met 7 years ago, we dated for 4 years and then she felt she was not sure where we were going. We had discussed marriage but I was dragging my feet because I had always said I would like to live together before getting married. Her concerns prompted me to action, and after a few days apart and some talking we patched things and got engaged.

We were engaged for a year and a half and then got married.

During this time we fought like all couples do, little, non violent petty fights that were soon made up and moved on from.

 

About 6 months ago she dropped the bomb shell that she did not feel the same anymore. I panicked, we talked for days and vowed to try spending more time together as we thought that was what was making her feel different.

Work has a tendency to leave one tired at home and reluctant to go out.

 

This change lasted a few weeks or months and then habits returned and I relaxed as my occasional question of "everything ok?" "Are you happy?" was always met with a cheery yes.

 

Last Saturday we had a fight over replacing toilet paper or some such silly thing, it was not a major fight but in the morning I was greeted by a "I am sorry" I thought she meant about the fight. She clarified that she was sorry but she doesnt feel like she used to with me. And that we needed to split up.

 

At this point my world fell apart. I panicked, I argued, I begged I did all I could to get her to stay. She cried, she obviously cared how I felt.

Again I thought the problem was not enough time together. She agreed to take it a day at a time. However she felt she could not say those '3 words' to me. After a day of this, going out together, intimacy but no '3 words'

I couldnt take it, we both agreed it was unfair to be close like this, it was fake.

 

Over the past week we have discussed what little we can, she cuddles up to me, but does not know how she feels. As of Saturday coming she will move back to her mums for 4 weeks. During this time we will not communicate.

 

She cares for me still, but doesnt know if there is love there or a soul mate feeling any more. Recently she has lost a lot of weight and has become more outgoing. Not a radical change mind you.

I am 29 and she is 26

 

What I have said to her is that over time love changes, it mellows and deepens. It can never stay as passionate as it was in the early days.

I will be there after the 4 weeks to make what ever changes are needed.

I am committed to doing anything necessary to fix this.

 

What worries me is that my conviction to fix this marriage is not being reciprocated. My hope is that time apart will cure that.

The alternative is that she will not feel any stronger towards me and it will be the end.

 

Our marriage, from both our point of views, has been fairly smooth, loving, supportive with no violence, rudeness or anything negative.

 

What I have read about separations has not inspired me, there are only a few people who have had a positive result from time apart.

 

Does anyone have some words of advice for me?

I know there is little I can do now but wait, look inside myself to how I truly feel and hope she feels the same. I would feel better if I knew that someone had been through this and won...

 

Anxious in Australia

 

Damien

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Hi Damien.

 

I am not sure what advice i can give to make you feel better. But if it's any consolation i am from Australia to!

 

Sometimes with time (as i have experienced myself) feelings change, and by this i dont mean they always deepen.

People sometimes fall out of love. If this is the case, its not anything you have done.

ppl sometimes outgrow each other.

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True, devastatingly sad, but true.

I pray thats not what has happened here though

 

I hope for your sake that is not what has happened with you but it is a possibilty.

I know it happened with me when i was in highschool. I loved this guy so much and we were so good together, everyone thought we'd make it and one day he turned around and said to me he cared for me but no longer loved me, he had outgrown me, at the time it hurt like hell but i did SLOWLY move forward!

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We have so much in common and have been through so much.

Its hard to accept that she can have changed this much.

I am a good man and a loving person.

If people stay in abusive relationships surely there is hope for us?...

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The reason why people stay in an abusive relationship is that they have been manipulated into thinking that everything is their fault by the person that is abusing them. thereforee the one being abused thinks that they need to "fix themselves" since they are doing things "so wrong".

 

They also stay for the happy times. Their emotions have been played with so much with the rollercoaster ride of abuse that it gets to a point that they think they can't live without the other person.

 

 

 

I am sorry to hear about your marriage But it is good that it is a healthy one. Maybe she will see that and come back. Sometimes people just need time to think about what they want in life.

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What ever she is searching for in life, it doesnt have to exclude me.

If it is a grass is greener situation, I hope she realises quickly, because I will not wait around for ever.

 

I hope she just needs to get a perspective on her life and see what she has with me.

I hope that I/us is what she needs.

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