suddenly in an LDR -- and suddenly full of worries

[anyastar]

Hello, all. I'm new to this whole LDR thing and have some...worries, which I'm sure it typical. Also, I apologize in advance; this is going to be long-winded.

 

First, the story of how this has come to be. Context is everything (so they say). My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and two months. For the majority of that year and two months, we lived a little under an hour apart and so saw one another regularly. I'd typically spend the entirety of my weekends at his place.

 

Now, some brief background information: he is a recovering alcoholic who sobered up a little over a year before we met; he didn't finish college, largely because of his burgeoning alcoholism; and he was medically discharged from the Navy due to a chronic disease that rendered him undeployable. He was discharged from the Navy in January of this year. His plan was to work his way up to becoming a paramedic, and then to eventually finish school. Unfortunately, entry-level positions in the medical field don't pay very well, so he's had some serious financial woes over the past six months. It doesn't help that the VA takes forever to process people and, as such, has yet to send him a single pension or disability (re: chronic disease) check.

 

Anyway. His roommate recently bailed on him to go live with his new girlfriend. This was sort of akin to a final straw; he was beginning to feel like he was drowning, especially since the cost of living is so high here (here being Connecticut. Our taxes make babies cry). He had been looking for another job and was altering his plans to include college sooner, as it had become clear to him that finishing his degree was of the utmost importance. But then the proverbial rug was pulled out from under him. He came very close to drinking -- the closest he's come since he quit. And that's when he knew he had to go home. At home, after all, he would be surrounded by family -- people who have seen what he's like when he's drinking, people who have seen him at his absolute worst; people who can support him even better than I can because they have that knowledge of him. They can ground him best because they know best what's at stake. Also, the cost of living is significantly lower back home, and the college at which he began his degree is right there in his backyard. He can get himself back on track and keep his sobriety.

 

The problem? Home is Nebraska. Nebraska.

 

He left about a week and a half ago. This is the longest we've gone without seeing one another since we first met.

 

We were already talking on the phone every night, so there's no problem there. He has a web cam, and I'll be getting one so that we can have video chats. We plan to play games together online and to stage shared experiences (e.g. going to the same movie at roughly the same time). We also, of course, plan to visit one another every couple of months (right now, that's the most feasible time frame we can come up with). He'll be going to school next fall no matter where it winds up being. If his situation is such that he can afford to go to school out here, then next year, he'll be moving back to CT and we'll be living together. If his situation is such that he can't afford to come back here, then I'll be moving to NE and we'll be living together. Either way, the LDR is over at the end of June 2009, when my current lease is up.

 

But dammit if I'm not scared, folks. We have a lot to motivate us -- we had been discussing marriage before all of this went down and it is our ultimate aspiration (it wouldn't be for a few years, of course, after he's finished college and his situation has stabilized). We're also the best of friends; if we hadn't been romantically attracted to one another and started dating, we would still have wound up being inseparable buddies. I know that if we're patient and we work hard, we can make it through this and both be stronger and better partners for it, but so much can happen in a year. What if we drift too much? What if he meets someone else, or I meet someone else? I can't really imagine myself casting him aside for another (I'm pretty picky, anyway), but what if that should happen? What if visits every couple of months doesn't provide enough face-to-face time? What if I start resenting him for the move? What if he starts resenting me for not moving out there right away (the romantic part of me wants to go that route; the responsible part of me wants to take care of my commitments and obligations here first, and I'd throw away too much if I didn't listen to the responsible part)? What if it just plain doesn't work, for whatever reason?

 

I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose a connection that is downright amazing. But I can't help but worrying that the distance will prove too much.

 

How does one deal with that worry? What are some things that one can do to ensure that a relationship survives this sort of situation? Is a year too great a time, or does the fact that we plan to be living together within a year change things? Are we even approaching this the right way? Any tips, insights, comments, concerns, random quips?

[redhearts]

My sister is in a relationship, LDR now, after dating this guy for a few months. He had to move 8 hours north. Shes trying to pay her dui classes and all that, very expensive, he just got a job with his degree, its a high paying job, but at first ya know its always a little. Anywho he cheated, they are still together, but not when it was LD when they were living together in the same city, he was out visiting his home town. Anyways as she said, "love can climb mountains," or something. They are actually trying to see each other once a month for about 5 days. So I suppose if your love is strong enough you won't be able to see yourself with another.

[redhearts]

Oh my point is also, the more you worry and let yourself think over and over about the what ifs, your not enjoying the right now, think of good times, not possible bad outcomes.

[lenni]

anyastar -

 

all your fears are totally normal, but try not to let them "take over". it is hard, i know! you two sound like you are pretty committed to each other and are doing all the best things you can for yourselves and your relationship right now. all the plans you are making to stay close and stay in contact are really positive and will help.

 

i just want you to know - it absolutely can work and i know a lot of people who have made it through long distance and are now happily together. one of my close friends is now engaged to his long term girlfriend and they lived long distance for about 4 years while she was in medical school. my boyfriend's cousin and his wife were long distance for 2 years. i was talking about it with them yesterday. they admitted it was hard and they had doubts and wondered if what they were going through was "worth it". but now that they are together and married, the can definitely say that it was.

 

i think staying positive is a key piece. you can still enjoy your relationship while at a distance, your connection will not just fade away because of the distance, especially if you put in the effort to stay connected. it sounds like your connection is deeper than that.

 

i've posted this on here before, but i'll include it again in case it will help you. it did me. link removed

 

 

good luck. it sounds like you have something really good going with him!