Heartbroken

[Dani0613]

Hey gang,

I'm glad I stumbled upon this forum because I'm having a difficult time with my current situation and would appreciate any advice.

 

I'm 31 and my gf is 24. I dont know that it would make a difference to tell you that we're both females, but, we are Anyway, we have been (or 'had been', at this point) in our relationship for a year and a half. The relationship that we shared was honestly one of the healthiest and happiest that either of us has ever had; it was filled with love, honesty, communication, respect, friendship, trust, etc. No relationship is perfect and we definitely had our share of rough spots, but overall, there really wasn't anything lacking or negative about our situation.

 

My gf recently broke up with me and really has no definitive reason for having done so other than she needs to focus on herself. When we broke up, she looked at me and told me I was her best friend, that she loved me, and that we could try again when she's ready, but to not wait for her. Honestly, I know she's confused and all over the place right now. While I can appreciate that she has recognized she needs to devote some time and energy to her personal growth, I'm having a difficult time accepting how she could throw away our relationship so easily. When I questioned her as to how she could, she had no answer for me. I know she loves me because our mutual friend(s) have made that very clear. Our friends are hopeful that we'll get back together because they truly feel and believe that she is just extremely confused and has no clue what she wants. Or, that she's not ready for it. Or, that she needs a wake up call!

 

I'm in the NC phase right now because it's the best thing for ME at the moment. At the advice of others, I've been told to not be so readily available to her because it's what she's accustomed to. I just feel like I'm too old to be playing these games. I know she has agreed to go to therapy to help her with herself (she has a few issues from her past that she hasn't dealt with) and I'm optimistic that counseling will open her eyes to some things.

 

I can tell you that she has no desire to pursue another relationship and that she hasn't even entertained the idea. I know this to be a fact because of our friends and because she's told me. She's made it clear that she needs to focus on herself and what she wants...and the only way to do that is alone....

 

I guess my question would be, have there been instances where one of the partners has ended the relationship out of fear or confusion, but realizes he/she is a * * * * * * * and comes back? This is just a * * * * ty situation because nothing in the relationship has warranted this..

 

Any suggestions?

[Clabs]

Hi Dani and welcome to ena.

 

I am sorry to hear about your breakup, these things are always pretty rotten, especially when you cannot see any apprently real reason.

 

I think some confused people do get their acts together and I think that others don't.

 

You are doing exactly the right thing here with your nc strategy - she has to learn what her actions mean.

 

She says that she loves you and that you can try again when she is ready - but that you are not to wait for her - hmmm. I would say that means that she doesn't put too much value on you, if she is prepared to risk losing you forever.

 

As hard as it may seem, you really need to look at her actions and not her words because talk is cheap. Nobody knows what the future will bring - maybe she will se sense and come back around, and maybe she won't. But I really do think you should prepare for the worst for now. Try to get on with your life - work on bettering yourself both physically and mentally. This way, whatever happens down the line, you will be much better prepared for whatever life throws at you.

 

I know it is tough but from the content and structure of your post you seem like a sensible girl with a good head on her shoulders and that should carry you far. But I agree - not game playing, she is either in or she is out - that is my view anyway.

 

Hope this of some use.

 

Mark

[Dani0613]

Hey Mark,

Thanks hon, I appreciate the advice. I'm definitely taking this time for myself, allowing me to find 'ME' again. It's not that I ever lost myself in our relationship, but there are things I wasn't doing as frequently as a result of our time together. I need to prove to myself that I am fine without her and continue to develop as an individual. I honestly believe our love to be very genunine and real, that's what's making this so difficult. Time really does heel all wounds. . .and perhaps it will eventually give me the answers I'm looking for.

 

I just miss her so much right now. She really is my best friend.

[Clabs]

No worries darling.

 

Sounds to me like you are already doing all the right things to make this easier on yourself and it is true that time is a great healer - as corny and as cliche as it sounds.

 

It still doesn't stop you missing her though - ((((HUGS)))).

 

That is about all you can do right now though really - keep on looking out for you and doing things for you and hope that she does see some sense in all this.

 

Mark

[kuhl282000]

Thats a tough one and I feel your pain ......I'm in it to the gills myself right now and it's horrible and I feel like a alien on another planet. Like you I said the same thing .....I'm to old for this crap. When they stomp on your heart like that and you feel like you have just been toosed aside like a used Kleenex. It's been six weeks for me and everyday somehow I go on with my like. And its hard some days and it sometimes just does not seem to matter ........I'm sending you a song to listen to and more then likely you'll cry ......Pattie Labelle & Michael McDonald ....even though you're a lady your words will be coming from Michael McDonald........I have played it several times and the crying seem to help because I've been holding it back and it sort of is like a clensing ...you'll see what I mean.

 

I'm with you all the way and rooting for you and rooting for myself. I wait for the email and call that never comes. I think you go into shock at first.....the pain the suffering ....and then you deny it could be really happening to you and try and figure out why ..........then you get pissed and angry (thats where I'm at now) .......then you wonder what are they doing and with who are they doing it (that can drive you nuts, so i try and stop doing it) and then I think you in the end accept it's over and thats they really hard part for me right now and I'm sure you ......I was good to mine and never really did anything to warrant a break-up 4 1/2 years of joy and bliss.

It's all very sad and horrible in so many ways ......what you used to be able to talk about to your soulmate is now unable to communicate with you. After your story to give you a thread of hope and thats not much .......I only wish I had a thread .....and the sick part is I'm still hoping but in my mind I know it over and can't accept it just yet (sick-o me) I know I need to pull the shade but can't seem to just get it all the way down. If yours was really telling the truth, she my someday realize how much she misses you and want you back .....that has happened to me in the past, funny thing is I never took them back......this one I would go back to ....but my pride can't let me beg .......she has to want and miss me more then anything.........and that is not happening in 6 weeks.....I had some nice emails but I can read between the lines .........mine is looking for a better deal ( Mo Money if you know what I mean) ......yours may just be looking to focus in herself.....but that leaves you out feeling abandoned (worst feeling on this planet I know of) .......in a way I feel the same way and I left her to make her realize some really bad things she was doing to me and then something so wonderful got complicated in a real hurry.

 

I'll be thinking about you, keep me posted on your progress ....here is that song...

Get some Kleenex .......

[Dani0613]

Thanks, Kuhl...I appreciate your support. I'll have to check that song out when I get home. Just take each day as it comes; that's all we can do. I keep telling myself that I don't need someone else to make me happy and that I'm angry with her. Seems to make the days a bit easier...