So tempted to contact my ex!

[pace of ace]

Hi, i'm new to ena and posted my first thread yesterday. Without going into it all again, my girlfriend of three and a half years broke up with me 5 months ago 'cos she wants to be by herself and concentrate on her career without having a boyfriend. We're still really close and are on good terms as our relationship was very loving.

 

I'm still trying to withdraw myself from my ex-girlfriend by not contacting her. Although if she contacts me i will reply as i want us to stay on good terms as we had a wonderful relationship.

 

I'm just so tempted all the time to text her or call her and tell her i miss her and how much i want her back!! ](*,)

 

Has anyone got any ideas or tips, who have been through it/or going through it. I really need to get over this hurdle!!

 

Any helpful words would go along way.

 

Thanks.

[IMAbadman]

You need to let go and move on. You need to find something constructive to do to occupy your time. Go on… get out there and make friends, meet women, socialize… There’s no since on dwelling on the past. It’s over, it’s gone. Look forward to the future.

[nothanks]

The whole problem is finding the tools to help us move on. Being told to move on may remind us of the goal, but if we could just Stop and Let Go, there would probably not be an eNotAlone forum. Who would need it?

 

The things I am learning (way too slowly!!!) are that there are skills we can learn for dealing with regulating these emotions. If you go on the internet and search for something like

 

skills cope break up

 

or other such words, you will probably find something. And don't forget all the great articles right here on enotalone.

 

It is so hard. I am doing this hard work right now, too.

You are indeed not alone.

[pace of ace]

I couldn't agree more nothanks. It's one thing knowing what i should do/have to do in order to heal, but it is quite another actually doing it!

 

In some ways, and this may sound odd or insensitive to others who have possibly been truly dumped on by an ex, but i kind of wish we had broken up on worse terms so i could at least think to myself "she is not worth my time" but it didn't happen like that. Although it was against my wishes she made it as kind as possible for me. But as it was as amicable as possible i still idealise her and am 100 % in love with her which is really preventing me from moving past her.

 

This site really is a great find though. It helps having people willing to give their time in order to give constructive advice.

[j0shua]

first off, do not contact her! i am in LC with my ex-wife (we have a kid together) and broke down last week and sent a long, emotional txt msg.

 

i regret it. it did no good, she responded harshly, and it makes me look weak and vulnerable, giving her more power. resist it, you will just feel worse after the fact.

 

try reading this too:

link removed

[IMAbadman]

You want tools to help you let go and move on? How about your mind and your will power? When properly wielded they’re stronger than wind and water.

 

Articles will eloquently guide you along the emotional journey… but until you decide to let go and move on you’ll be hanging in that emotional rut.

 

Good luck.

[pace of ace]

jOshua

 

Thanks for the link, read it and saw me in it. I'm over the so called denial and bargaining stage and am at the depression stage. I realise now she isn't coming back and there is nothing i can do.

 

All that's left now is to reach acceptance. But i have no idea how long that will take! I suppose it'll take as long as it takes until i properly let go

[pace of ace]

IMAbadman,

 

thanks for your responses, good to know people wanna try and help.

 

Thanks.

[nothanks]

IMA: my first reaction is, "Of course, letting go is the whole point. That's a given." But then I remembered that the other day when Ex was over here he said something like what you said. And I thought to myself, "If I let go of the pain then I will have nothing left of you in my heart."

 

This really shocked me. I had no idea that thought was in me anywhere. So, I think you make a good point. One must search inside and make that commitment.

 

Smaller steps help, too.

1. Delay. If you want to contact her, promise to wait one hour. Often you will have lost the urge. Or make yourself do some onerous task first, like scrub the toilet. Or make yourself do 30 pushups, etc. In other words, put up obstacles so that it becomes a hassle.

2. Remind yourself why you don't want to contact her. Write down how you felt after the last contact, and what your goal is, and how you feel when you resist contacting her.

3. Ask for her help. If she initiates contact, ask her for a favor- ask her to not contact you first for a # of days. This also gives you a nice little bit of power!

4. Explore the urge. Write down, before you make contact, WHY you want to make contact. Write down what you WANT from the contact. And write down if you think you will get that! Write down , as accurately as you can, how you think the conversation or emails will go. Will she say, "I'm glad you called! I was just sitting here wishing you'd call and tell me again how sad you are!" or ??