MyHeadIsAching Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 Hello, I am very depressed today, and want to talk with smb about it. I am suicidal almost all my life. I would be glad, if only thoughts such as senselessness of existence were bothering me.. I would stand depression, misunderstanding and fear of death. I am even jealous of teenagers who are always complaining about their stupid problems.I like suicide-culture, I have been thinking of committing suicide since 12-13 years and I feel myself comfortable thinking about it I have never thought that suicide is not the right way and weak people kill themselves, all depends on situation. In many cases suicide is committed by people whose brains work well or they are too good for this awful world. And everything will be ok, and I wont be complaining, if I don’t have REAL problems. I don’t know how express all pain in few words, moreover it is hard also because English is not my native language and I am afraid my English is bad, but I will try. The first but not the main reason is that I have financial problems, in my country it is not the worst situation with money, luckily I am not homeless, but in any way I cant afford myself many usual things, for example I cant buy clothes I like, we bought a computer only last year( now it is my best friend), I even have no mp-3 player and video-camera, I cant spend time like I want. But it wouldn’t bother me very much, if I had good friends . But unfortunately, I have no. The main problem is that I have mental disorder( I am not sure if that is the right word combination)..My mind always plays tricks on me, I cant be myself, because I have to share my mind and body with another person I don’t like. I am so tired of this. For many years I got used to this, and it is easier to control myself know, but it is still very hard. I am so sorry that I have no person around me who could tell me what was going on with me during this time. Unfortunately I was alone in my pain/ I have very good parents and I love them but they were not clever enough to take me to psychologist in time. So my best time I spent fighting with myself. I forgot about my ambitions, ignored my friends. In result now I am alone, I lost all my chances to do things I like, I am nothing…. Link to comment
Jeen Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 Hi Welcome to ENA. You are really feeling down, I wish I could just give you huge hugs. Don't look at the past, you can't change it but you can change the future and who say you are past your best days in life. Everyday we live could be the best one who knows. You know the past was bad and you have learned from it why waist all the effort. Try to take baby steps and proof to yourself you can enjoy life. Tomorrow may be your best day don't just give up after all the effort, you say you have good parents and love them, how do you think they will feel if you are no more. Please think again, please ..... Love Jeen "English is not my native language." Link to comment
Supa_gurl Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 There are days I feel the same. But you look above to whatever keeps you going and persevere. What kept me from doing anything rash in my darkest hour is hurting those who love me. Now I have so much to live for. Financially? haha....I am so broke I can't even afford to pay attention. But I don't let that get me down. Keep your head up. Tomorrow is a new day. Link to comment
MyHeadIsAching Posted June 28, 2008 Author Share Posted June 28, 2008 Thank you Jeen and Almimom. "Don't look at the past, you can't change it but you can change the future and who say you are past your best days in life." I understand it very well, but memories of the past bring me unbearable pain. I cant look at children and everyone who younger me , I always recall my childhood and compare it, I cant stand the fact that they enjoy life while I was alone dying in my room. I am afraid that I will start to hate everyone…and I am not sure that smth will change in my life. "What kept me from doing anything rash in my darkest hour is hurting those who love me." I am afraid that I begin to be indifferent to them… Link to comment
Jeen Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 Thank you Jeen and Almimom. "Don't look at the past, you can't change it but you can change the future and who say you are past your best days in life." I understand it very well, but memories of the past bring me unbearable pain. I cant look at children and everyone who younger me , I always recall my childhood and compare it, I cant stand the fact that they enjoy life while I was alone dying in my room. I am afraid that I will start to hate everyone…and I am not sure that smth will change in my life. "What kept me from doing anything rash in my darkest hour is hurting those who love me." I am afraid that I begin to be indifferent to them… MyHeadIsAching I am bipolar and sometimes feel I can't relay how I feel to the people close to me. I know it is hard to have the will power to carry on if everything seems like one continues circle. You have to try and break this circle you are trapped in. Are you using any medication or seen a psychology professional at the moment to help you deal with your feelings. If not it would be a good point to start at. Sometimes we need help and do have to ask, it may be hard but believe me when I say everyone close to you would help if you just ask. No one would like to see you dead "I've we only knew". Something that helps me a lot when I feel down is to take a long walk to clear my mind and get out of the house and get some exercise. You are welcome to PM me. Love Jeen Link to comment
MyHeadIsAching Posted June 29, 2008 Author Share Posted June 29, 2008 «Are you using any medication or seen a psychology professional at the moment to help you deal with your feelings.» No, I have never used any medication( actually, I don’t think it will help) ,and visited psychologist only once. «If not it would be a good point to start at.» I am not sure that it will do me better. I don’t think that psychologist can tell me smth new that I don’t know. I needed it when I was a child and didn’t realize that I was mad. Now its too late. «Something that helps me a lot when I feel down is to take a long walk to clear my mind and get out of the house and get some exercise.» When I feel down, I also take a long walk or catch the first bus I see , sometimes it really helps. Link to comment
Jeen Posted June 29, 2008 Share Posted June 29, 2008 I needed it when I was a child and didn’t realize that I was mad. Now its too late. I don't understand this line completely? You are thinking of killing yourself, sow it would not hurt to have a look at counseling to resolve the issues you have with your childhood, to find ways to deal with the depression that is constantly keeping you from being happy. And you are not "mad" maybe a bit different, if you were "mad" *I hate the word* not at all your mental faculties, you would never have posted here or knew there was life beyond the four walls of a mental institution. You are the only one who can really choose how you want to feel the rest of your life, no one has a magic wand or can make you chose, it is only you, everyone can just give advice. It is some of the first words you will hear from a counselor. Love Jeen Link to comment
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