The ups and downs

[mr me]

Ive had a really high up today with me having some sort of mental block on an issue with my break-up. Ive also had a great down time that happened right after which was graphically thinking of my ex and her bf or ex idk. I kinda ask myself why would i think of her like that but i dont really know. Im a creative person and to me alot of the time stuff just pops into my head and i just feel like its not in my control. I felt good tho because before that i kinda realized ive been holding back on getting over her because i felt like i didnt want to hurt her. I think that kinda goes back to when i once almost broke up with her in the beginning because we had this conflict with the phone once. I was trying to get in touch with her and she just hung up the phone on me and said she had to go to her friends. I kinda in a rage kept on calling her because she hung up the phone on me. It seems kinda childish now but ive had problems over-reacting in the past to things that i felt were unnecessary. I dont really even know what ticked me off that much but i guess it probably had alot more to deal with the issues ive had with girls growing up. Ill just say that when that happened she was really overwhelmed because she just didnt know what to say because i guess she never thought something like that would happen with us. I guess this started the whole craziness with her always worrying if i would break up with her if we had a problem. I guess again immaturely i tried to tell her that it wasnt like that but because of her issue which i shared as well, we couldnt seem to handle the idea of us breaking up. She kinda i feel did it worse to me because she would actually try to break up with me almost any time i did something wrong. So i kinda got stuck in this crazy situation where i felt like i couldnt do anything wrong because she would break up with me. I also had to constantly deal with her thinking i was going to break up with her whenever things werent going on. So i guess i somehow felt guilty or responsible for us breaking up. I know now it wasnt like that but im still kinda struggling with this mentally. She had alot of issues with her parents and her upbringing and i guess thats also something i see i have had to struggle with as well. I guess i also wanted to clear up that i guess she didnt want to deal with me breaking up with her so she kinda would try to do it before it happened again.

 

I guess im kinda in the accepting phase when it comes to that. Its just i get so depressed sometimes that its almost hard to be the good side of me and i kinda get stuck being a miserable person. Alot of the stuff i was going thru it was going to take time and still is. I really felt like i couldnt be myself because of the pain of having so much in common with my ex i almost had to become someone else to deal with it. Its just it made me be stuck feeling really down on myself. I used to feel like we shared this kinda light inside of ourselves that had to try to shine thru alot because of all the hardships and craziness of our personal lives. Thats why i just felt so connected to her and it gave us a crazy bond. So i kinda feel like i got some of that back. I really dont know how because ive tried so many things and im really just trying to block out alot of the negativity in my life because it can control me to where im too depressed to do anything. Im also kinda getting better with the pain of everything. Its still hard and sometimes i just get panic attacks with trying to deal with things because they all just seem to hit me at once. Its like the other day i was trying to go to a bookstore and i couldnt. I was trying to see if i could do something that would help me get over her and its like i was just paralyzed. It was weird also because i was just there last week. Its been really hard because its like ive been stuck with not being able to get over her. Its like i get anxiety just thinking about the stuff I went thru but i also get the same anxiety with trying to move on. So ive just been stuck. Its also been hard because i was almost not able to think about certain things because of how painful it was. It wasnt completely blocked out but it was like a hidden pain inside of myself. I guess im just trying to write stuff here more often because for the longest time i had to hold alot of this in so now im trying to kinda work my way thru this little by little.