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seeking your advice

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this is a lil long.. i apologize.



I write here because I have a slight problem... in my heart. It's gots to do with my past. I had a high school crush. Never really made a move on it. I tried to be friends with her, she is not the type to befriend a lot of people. But something about her, got me to my heart from the moment i saw her. I wanted to know her, after five years, I still don't feel like I do. Maybe better than some, but not enough to my delight. We talked a few times and the conversations we had, I really enjoyed them. Then we both went our ways off to college. We kept in touch so or so through email. I remember struggling to get to her, and she's a very hard person to get close to. After a while I kind of gave up, I wanted to know her so bad, yet she was withdrawn from the world, our world. Maybe even that's what attracted me to her, the fact that unlike most people, it was so hard to figure her out, categorize her somewhere. Yet, she gets along with quite a number of people than she does with me. Anywayz... it took me some time to delete all strong feelings I had for her, and not be anything but friends. So really it didn't matter anymore if I went 5 months or not wiithout seeing her, or every single day. I didn't care.

Now off to college, we kept in touch as I previously said. I'm back home now for holidays and I want to see her. I wrote her a couple of emails, she hasn't replied to either of them... I want to see her Tuesday, because we are both leaving on the coming Friday. If I don't see her before then, it won't be for another 6 to 7 months, during which since everyone goes on vacation, I still may not see her then. So all may be pushed to next christmas and could go on forever. Usually she replies to my emails with a few days, or right away, specially since now she should have plenty of relaxing time. But she hasn't.... which gets me to wonder if she hasn't read my emails or if just she won't reply. Maybe she doesn't want to see me. Last time we tried to get together, I got there a half-hour late.She had left. Istill hate myself for it. I apologized. She didn't seem mad, but I know she's skilled at hiding her emotions.

Now soon, 2004 will begin and I want to get rid of much of the emotional weight it carries, but.. I've been trying that for years!

I want to tell her how I've felt, I want her to know everything I've ever felt for her, but I'm not sure I want to pursue a relationship. I want to be there to comfort her when she's down. I want her joy no matter what. I know that last we went our ways, I was in my heart hoping she'd find a lover who'd make her happy... Her joy matters to me. For me, I just want to get rid of that weight, except that ... I wouldn't know what I'm hoping to get out of it. She wouldn't understand... Do I want a romantic relationship with her? I don't know. At times, I think of doing very intimate things to and with her. If she wanted it, I would go for it. But I'm pretty sure she doesn't want that. Otherwise, I'm sure she would have done a better job of keeping in touch.

So far, I've been making all the moves, I fear I may be becoming the annoying type of guy one wonders how to get rid of. I'd hate to be clingy or annoying in anyway. Which is why I want to see her so bad, one on one, and tell her how I feel, felt, want to be. Now I can't imagine being friends with her anymore... You know how they are some people you are either lover or nothing, not friends. I don't want to be her friend, I just want her to be mine or not at all. If i asked her how she felt of me she'd probably tell me, she doesn't know. She's quite indecisive. Maybe she doesn't want to hurt me. And if so, I want to know.

I feel as if it's holding me back. I mean, the idea of her reminds me of an unfinished ordeal.


Maybe I should stop where I am, stay friends, maybe go ten years until we run in each other again, cut all contacts and let her fade in the past. That would mean no more keeping in touch. Which will be hard for me.

If I do see her, and do tell her those things and she tells me: NO. I'll be much better off. At least, I'll know I won't have missed on something. And the small fire which burns in us all for each person we care for, might die. I don't want to read it of an email, or on the phone. I want to see it on her lips, from her eyes in mine. And then I may find peace. And then seduce all the other ladies in this world. Everytime I return here, home, she returns on my mind more vivid than before.

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This is really something you have here. I don't know what to say to you at this point but you need to do something about it. Either stop talking to her or just forget everything about her. You can't go on like this waiting for her forever and ever. Well I don't know if my advice helped. Good Luck to you and I wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR.

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she was never in your league all this while, so why make things hard for both of you? there's a major gap you never closed. so just give it up. some things you can never get, you know? this is just one of them. even if you got her, can it last? can you surmount all these differences that in all these years you never bridged? i think if you are consider all things carefully and seriously, it's not going to happen. so go back to your world, and leave her in peace in hers.

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