Break up email to my girlfriend...

[critical_]

I can't take this pressure anymore and wrote this email to my girlfriend. She's on a plane right now flying back to London after visiting her brother in Dallas but refused to visit me a few states over. Did I do the right thing? Am I being unfair or too overbearing? This is the first time in my life that I feel like a true failure.

 

---

 

Ativas,

 

I really don’t know what is going on in your mind or why you behave this way. Actually I do know. It’s your severe depression and underlying “borderline personality disorder”. It’s something you don’t want to get treated even though everyone around you sees its effects. When I tried getting you seen by a therapist all you did is tell me how much you hated it. Clearly there is a serious problem and someone is going to have to help you. It seems like you don’t want me to help you and no one in your family is a medical doctor so they can't diagnose you based on the signs. Instead you’re doing everything in your power to sabotage what we have.

 

In the last 11 months of our relationship did you ever tell anyone in your family how much you love me? I think if your brother knew he would royally kick your butt for actively ruining this relationship because you don’t want to get help for your personality disorder. Is this why you don’t want your family involved? Is it because you know that I see the things inside you that you’re so desperately trying to hide from everyone.

 

I found this last phone call today to be very hurtful. The following are the reasons:

 

1. I’m going into surgery yet again but it doesn’t occur to you to be here for me ONCE AGAIN. Last time your excuse was you not seeing your brother for 2 years, your sister-in-law being pregnant, and the baby shower (half of which you missed). I accepted it even after you put me through hell for several weeks with your lies and bullsh*t over hiding the fact you had even bought a ticket to come to the US. Today you said your family is going to "do you in" and you’ll lose your job if you stayed with me during my third surgery tomorrow even though it doesn’t have a great prognosis for success. I don’t see how you can juxtapose the two things next to each other and still have me believe that you care for our future or love me.

 

2. When you wanted a break two weeks ago to think about things, I still chatted with you every day when you called and tried my best to convince you to stay. When I considered walking away today you were ready to let me go without making an effort to make things better. It’s fair to say you respond differently to situations but I know most all human beings really feel terrible when a relationship ends. Clearly you don’t feel this anymore.

 

3. Instead of feeling bad about how you’re treating me you said today that you regret ever getting into a relationship with me. In other words, you resent me. You can’t imagine how painful it was to hear that comment. It makes me feel like I’ve failed in my attempts to be a good boyfriend to you. It makes me feel like my company, my love, and my interest in you wasn’t enough to satisfy you. Every single one of my good friends and family have stated that you've being very unfair and unequal in how you're dealing with me but I still keep trying to accommodate you as much as possible. I guess its their way of telling me not to blame myself but I almost feel like I have to.

 

4. The saddest part is that your resentment shows through in how you deal with me on a daily basis. It explains point #2 as well. It doesn’t occur to you that your behavior is completely inappropriate nor do you make it a priority to change how you’re dealing with me. Instead, you give me wishy washy language about trying to change and then you hope the problem will just go away. Ativas it doesn’t go away. You’re not only not being a girlfriend but you’re not being a friend. Then your next best solution is to end the relationship. If you truly “love [me] more than anything” (those are your words not mine) then how is that even an option?

 

5. Your behavior makes me feel like you don’t want this anymore and that you have someone else or something else in mind. You have denied this to be the case but I can't reconcile your behavior so just be honest with me. You shared with me that you’re getting older and have to start finding someone to settle down with… maybe this has happened and this person isn’t me. If it’s not the case then its fair for me to expect you to start treating me like a boyfriend because right now it seems like you have something else on the side.

 

6. I find your reasons for always falling asleep, having batteries magically die, and you being constantly busy to start to ring hollow. They may all be true but you’ve used them at such opportune times repeatedly that I wonder if this is just another situation of you “crying wolf” to get out of a position you don’t like being in. I’m sure you’re intelligent enough to realize why I’d say this stuff. Also, don’t get me wrong here—I want to believe it all but when I take everything that has happened thus far and your reluctance to change it makes me question your behavior.

 

7. I found the Friday morning phone call behavior and you getting pissed off subsequently to be very aggravating. I wasn't purposely ignoring your calls in the hospital to hurt you while getting my check up. I was texting you to stay in touch until they let me out. The sad part is you do the avoid talking to me for a long time quite frequently and make me wait until you feel like I've earned a call from you. Then you expect me to be okay with it. When the tables are turned around and I was legitimately busy with a doctor’s appointment in the morning you turned it into something all about you once again. You ignored me for the better part of a day and a half and still had attitude problems when we spoke.

 

8. Ativas, the need for you to constantly hang up and be passive-aggressive in your behavior is really disconcerting. It seems that you’re getting very angry for asking you to treat me better, make me a priority, and respect/love me like a girlfriend. Is this a point #2 issue once again? I don't even know why I have to ask someone to do these things.

 

9. You always tell me that this issue is between you and me. Is it really? Every time you’ve wounded me emotionally you’ve used reasons involving your family. Then you’ll turn around and say your family aren’t monsters because they were okay with you talking to me and visiting. However, your reasons for not coming to see my during my third surgery involve your family once again. So Avitas, who is the problem here and why is this a problem?

 

10. This past week has been difficult while you've been in the US. Especially because you didn’t visit during the second surgery or during my failed recovery. Instead you cancelled on your brother’s plans in Dallas (which were you initial excuse to not visit) to watch the Euro Cup soccer matches on television. Could you not have taken one of those days to come see me? Obviously not.

 

11. I hate how you keep putting me down. You keep saying: “xxxxx, why are you letting me treat you like this?” and “xxxxxx, is this what you want to deal with the rest of your life?” and “xxxxx, why do you like me hurting you do much?” I don’t understand why you can ask those questions knowing full well that you’re the person responsible for treating me bad. It’s like you’re trying to push me to the edge as much as possible and getting a thrill out of what you can do. If you truly love me then how can you justify this behavior? Running away isn’t the solution. Apologizing, asking for forgiveness, making amends, and promising never to do it again is the only way forward here.

 

12. The truth. I guess we could write an essay about this here about how many times you've been dishonest with me, your family, and everyone else but I just don’t have the time or desire. You mentioned in the last phone call something about you not being truthful. What was that all about? What are you lying to me and to your family about now? It’d be nice to know.

 

13. And finally terms. When will you give up your incessant desire to have everything on your terms? I don’t really know what it will take but you should really ask yourself if you’ll ever meet someone that will put up with the things you’ve done and continue to do. Maybe the answer is “yes”. Maybe me giving you so much rope was my mistake? Maybe I should have known that trusting you with so much leeway was a mistake? I don't know. Part of me feels so ashamed that I'm even having to write this email to you but I do it because I care and love you.

 

Anyway, You wanted a week to think and you got more than double that. Yet, you’re right back to doing the things that got us this break in the first place. This goes back to point #3. It’s just so hurtful.

 

You realize that it is a real possibility that making it through this next surgery successful will be difficult. Maybe this is the easiest way for you to get rid of me? Maybe you can end it and me removing myself from your life will solve all the above problems? I found it strange that it didn’t occur to you to even try calling my phone after my first surgery. Instead I had to call you while you were at Heathrow leaving for the US. Only then did you call back. I don’t know if that’s how you’ll do it again but I do know that behavior was inappropriate for the situation. As a doctor yourself, I can't imagine you're so emotionless.

 

Quite frankly, nothing would surprise me at this point. All I know is that this is not a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. You’re just using me to your benefit when it suits you but you never could do anything you saw as 'difficult'. You tried to have your cake and eat it too. I know you tell me that I'm your world and the love of your life but a large part of me honestly believes you’ve never loved me, you’ve never respected me, you’ve never made me your priority, you’ve never cared, and I could go on but I won’t. Your actions don't correlate with your words and its almost like your words are the string with which you keep me hooked in.

 

I’ve left you two voicemails, sent a text, and sent this email after you hung up on me at the airport. It’s up to you to figure out what you want to do from here on out. Based on point #2 (your resentment of being in a relationship with me), I’m going to break up with you. If you think I’ve got it all wrong or you think I should give you another chance or you realize that you do in fact love me (like you say you do) and you care enough to change then you can call me. When you call you can ask me to take you back and I may consider it depending on how you answer the above questions and concerns. If you don’t bother calling back then my assumptions that you never loved me, cared for me, or respected me were probably correct. I know the thought of me thinking that way hurts you but its about time you realized that your actions caused those thoughts after 11 months of emotional abuse on your part.

 

So just to clarify it once more… it’s up to you to contact me now with answers. If you wanted out then you’re out. If you want to be with me then you can try to convince me to take you back. The ball is in your court. I have a surgery to prepare for tomorrow.

 

~ me

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Very long and interesting post/email. But do you honestly think a person with a personality disorder is going to give you the answers that you want. She is only going to blame shift, twist and project all of her behavioural problems onto you.

 

I know EXACTLY how you feel, as my ex has a boarder line personality disorder, but he would never admit that.... It is the thing that broke us up.

 

I think it is fair to say that your relationship is over with this girl and be grateful for that. While you are recovering after your surgery, she will be contemplating her attack, or will go in for the sympathy vote, taking all the attention off your operation and onto the email which "tore her heart out". If she calls you and asks you how you are and how it all went before the email comes up, then she loves you. If she calls you just to discuss the email, she is a selfish person who only considers her own feelings.

 

My only advice to you when she says you have insulted her, is to ask her to defend everything you have saccused her of. Ask her to provide examples of how she has been a good girlfriend, sister and daughter. I bet she can't.

 

Good luck with your surgery x

[Russ]

I stopped reading that email after the first paragraph.

 

If you put the blame strictly on her, or even begin with telling her that its her fault, that will automatically lead to fighting.

 

If you can, break up. Completely, because long distance relationships are very hard to maintain, not to mention expand, and your mindset isn't correct in this one, if nothing else.

[critical_]

Stella Sleepwalks: Thank you. I respect your conclusions and I feel very defeated. After I sent her the email, I almost feel like calling her and trying to work through it. She really is the love of my life but she's also been treating me very badly in the last several weeks. I'm so stuck.

 

I stopped reading that email after the first paragraph.

 

If you put the blame strictly on her, or even begin with telling her that its her fault, that will automatically lead to fighting.

 

If you can, break up. Completely, because long distance relationships are very hard to maintain, not to mention expand, and your mindset isn't correct in this one, if nothing else.

 

I can see how you'd come to that conclusion so early into the email. After several months of dealing with all the hurt I wrote in the rest of the email, I'm not exactly sure how else I could have worded it. I would appreciate it a lot and I'd benefit greatly if you could shed some light on how I should have done things.

 

What mindset should I have? I really want to call her once she lands to work through it but I have this sinking feeling that it'll be the tenth time she'll promise something that she has no intention of doing. Honestly, let me have it because I'm ready to take all the blame in the world and change myself to accommodate her.

[Russ]

If she promises to change, and does so for a week or two before going back to normal, then she's like my ex was. And she won't change.

 

Hence, you're good to keep that break up intact. It should be much easier, since she is far away and can't exactly come knocking on your door, or seeing you around the area.

 

If you don't get out of this dysfunctional relationship, you'll continue damaging yourself emotionally. It took me 7 months myself, and while I finally figured it out on my own, the damage was done.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Stella Sleepwalks: Thank you. I respect your conclusions and I feel very defeated. After I sent her the email, I almost feel like calling her and trying to work through it. She really is the love of my life but she's also been treating me very badly in the last several weeks. I'm so stuck.

 

I don't mean to make you feel defeated, but I am speaking from experience. I used to be the person who would gladly take the blame for his behaviour. I was a good girlfriend to him, but he took everything too far. He was incredibly confontational, nasty, dismissive.... He had this image, but he never lived up to it. I felt like he had me on a piece of string, and if I upset him, (even if I didn't he would find something), he would threaten to cut that piece of string and drop me like a dead weight. I felt like he was always on the verge of dumping me, and I was desperate to keep hold of him..... cling on to that piece of string. I even went so far, when he blew up at me in a wild rage because I didn't want anything alchoholic to drink one night, to say that it was me that started the fight because I was on my period! Truth was it wasn't my time of the month, I just wanted to calm him down and the only way to do that was take the blame and take the abuse.

 

 

What mindset should I have? I really want to call her once she lands to work through it but I have this sinking feeling that it'll be the tenth time she'll promise something that she has no intention of doing. Honestly, let me have it because I'm ready to take all the blame in the world and change myself to accommodate her.

 

When me and the ex split it was because I stood up to him. I was gentle and told him I was sorry and I loved him, and my words weren't being said to hurt him.... His reaction was horrendus! Again, I ended up in tears, begging and crying and apologising to him for hurting him! After the sheer agony he put me through. My mum heard the whole thing and ended up picking me up off the floor and telling him to stay away. She shook me and said that she hadn't realised what was happening, but that she didn't know I had been compromising myself like that.

 

1) Where is your pride?

 

2) Where is your dignity?

 

3) Why are you on your knees begging and apologising to him? He should be begging you! You do everything for him! This isn't my daughter! I never raised a woman who takes this of a man!

 

Critical.... Please, please, please do NOT compromise yourself over this woman. It will be the biggest mistake of your life. The night we split my ex FORCED me to take the blame for EVERYTHING that had happened in our relationship and I said, "Ok, it was all my fault!"

 

People blame shift because it helps them sleep at night. Helps them cut off from people and the situation. It gives them a license to not sit and think about what part they have played - its their get out of jail free card so to speak. They will just cut you dead and not look back. They will play the victim and not take any responsibility for their own actions. She has a self obbsession, a personlity disorder, but she is still a human being and she knows right from wrong. The last time I saw my ex he did it again, "Its all your fault!" I said, "You're a 34 year old man, and I am only taking responsibility for my part. Not yours! Grow up!"

[Shalron]

i can see your P.O.V but if she is as cruel as this email describes then the harsh way you worded it do you really think she'll read more than a few lines?

Also, no relationship is perfect and seems like a huge guilt trip... maybe incude a few of your own faults to mirror hers so as to make it seem less naggy n also to reinforce your points.

hope that helps at all

[pinkelephant]

I don't think you need a long letter for that. I doubt she'd read it all.

 

 

All you need is:

Screw you [insert bad word]. I'm sick of your [poo]. It's over.

 

 

No need to send her on a guilt trip. She'll feel it on her own. It expresses your anger, so you can get it off your chest. And it conveys the message well. Short and sweet.

[critical_]

Russ: Thanks for giving me another shot with a reply. It sounds like you learned from an equally difficult situation and I'm thankful that you're sharing your experiences. Yes, my girlfriend sounds a lot like your ex with the broken promises. The promises in our relationship are about her being there for me during surgeries (if only by phone if she can't be here but in this case she was here and refused to come so she could watch the Euro Cup on television), including me in her life, not lying to me, being there for me when I need her (not just when she needs me), and making time to come see me from London in the US when she visits her brother's family less than an hour or two away by airplane. Somehow I think those things are expected from a relationship and I partially feel entitled to it. Maybe this is where I went wrong... maybe in a real relationship this stuff just happens without me having to nag my partner for it.

 

Stella Sleepwalks I'm so sorry that you went through such a difficult time with your ex-boyfriend. He sounds like someone who didn't deserve someone as caring and understanding as you. I'm glad for you that you got out and had a support system to help you through it.

 

Unfortunately, I sometimes feel like I don't have that sort of support system. My friends hate my girlfriend. For several months they warned me not to get into a relationship with her. While I was in it they kept quiet out of respect for me. When they saw how much she was hurting me they started speaking up again. I kept telling them they didn't understand her circumstances and that she had a difficult time dealing with her issues. They told me that I didn't need someone like her hanging off me that continuously sapped the life energy out of me but I ignored them and defended her.

 

My girlfriend tells me that she's profoundly unhappy with the world. She lies to her family, friends, colleagues, and boyfriend about the most trivial things. She feels like she must sacrifice herself and her happiness to help other people who are clearly using her. She tries to validate her existence and find happiness by helping her patients as a junior doctor in the NHS in London but she never gets it because once they are better they leave. She repeats this cycle over and over again. She also feels like she deserves nothing good in this world. Hearing this would kill me inside. I tried everything in my power to help her and even started seeing a therapist to see if something was wrong with me.

 

The poor girl deserves nothing but the best in this world. She deserves to wake up every morning with nothing but happiness. She deserves a great job, a great boyfriend/husband, wonderful children, and a long happy life. I thought I could provide that for her because I understood her so well. Then my therapist showed me a book entitled "The Siren's Dance" which is a memoir by a doctor who tried to help his borderline personality disorder girlfriend/wife. I related to the main character so deeply but I had trouble with the ending. He ultimately failed and had to leave her because she didn't want to help herself.

 

I suppose the writing was on the wall. Incidentally we worked together for a year in the hospital when I was a medical student and she was a new doctor. I left the UK and recently finished my degree. We've known each other for nearly 2 years. Strangely so, I think I bought into the invincibility of my profession and really thought I could cure her and be the perfect man. I obviously can't. Its even worse to see that I'm in late late 20's and still think I'd do things the same way if the situation presented itself again.

 

Much like you I gave it my all. I took the blame for things, put my needs second to hers, and would do my best not to set her off on her anger-laced distancing that she'd do if I stepped out of line with what she expected of me. What did she expect? She wanted me to be there for her at any time she called. She didn't want to be there for me. She used to be initially but slowly she's pulled away. She now says she hates herself for ever getting involved with me but says she doesn't want me to leave her. In other words, its all on her terms.

 

Your mother told you about pride and dignity. My pride and dignity don't matter. Making sure my girlfriend is happy is what I derive my pleasure from. I like making her happy. She says that I'm her world and the love of her life. Well, she is that for me.

 

I guess I have a limit though. Every time I speak to her it seems like she is resenting my presense. She's pulled away so much in the last few months--as if she's retreating to the familiarity of being alone in this world. I guess this is one of the many hallmarks of Borderline Personality Disorder and I can logically understand it. Emotionally it still kills me. The girl is a saint. She makes me feel like I'm overbearing and demand too much from her. However, every normal friend, family member, anonymous internet people, and my therapist all say that she isn't being fair and that I'm none of those things. I really don't know who to believe.

 

I know Ativas is blame shifting. I know she doesn't like to think about how terribly she treats me nor does she want to change herself. She would rather run away like a coward than to address the issues. Now its gotten so bad that it hurts me and I must walk away. I don't think I can move on. She is perfect in almost every other way... she just has a problem with showing affection and the vulnerability we expect our partners to guard when when we're in a healthy relationship. I guess that's a big thing, isn't it?

 

I know she knows right from wrong just like your ex-boyfriend did. She just chooses to abuse my love for her and take advantage of it. I'll own up to her about my faults and have asked her many times to tell me how I can be a better boyfriend. I'm more than willing to take all the blame.

 

Maybe you're right... maybe I should say to Ativas: "Its all your fault!" I said, "You're almost a 31 year old woman, and I am only taking responsibility for my part. Not yours! Grow up!"

 

But I still lose her, don't I? At this stage I don't know if I'll ever recover from the mortal wounds she has left me with. Part of me doesn't want to wake up from my next surgery tomorrow because if I do I will always thinks about what could have been (but didn't happen with her).

 

The saddest part about all of this is I have many friends both male and female. I have so many opportunities to date and be happy but I have my mind set on this one... the one who shows me no respect, love, or concern.

 

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I do think you understand how I feel. Maybe you can help me realize where I went wrong in my thinking and my outlook on life and my girlfriend.

 

Shalron I recognize she may not read anything but a few lines. She rarely ever reads anything I send her. I guess it was more for me than anything. Maybe when Ativas realizes that I'm not coming back then she'll read it and understand what happened. Also, I've gone on and on about how I'm a judgmental, overbearing, selfish, and terrible person. I don't know what else to say.

 

pinkelephant As much as I would like to do that, I can't. I want Ativas to figure things out for herself and quickly get help so she can happy in her life. Thanks though for the suggestion... it perked me up for a second.

 

To everyone guess I just want her to be happy. One of my very close friends wanted to call her today and read Ativas something she wrote. It went something like this...

 

"You just lost the guy girls dream about for his successful career, handsome looks, and a heart comparable to Mt. Everest in size. He was ready to devote his life to making you a happy woman every day. You didn't have to earn him and you weren't turned down to be made into a friend like so many of us. Instead you were going to be the most talked about girl in our ethnic community for landing one of the most amazing guys ever. You ended up screwing it up. Good luck finding a guy a millionth of what you had here."

 

All my friends have said that... I don't understand what my friends see in me. All I know is I lost her.

[Russ]

I don't think you need a long letter for that. I doubt she'd read it all.

 

 

All you need is:

Screw you [insert bad word]. I'm sick of your [poo]. It's over.

 

 

No need to send her on a guilt trip. She'll feel it on her own. It expresses your anger, so you can get it off your chest. And it conveys the message well. Short and sweet.

 

I just figured out noone knows who Vadym is

 

Anyways, I agree with this post. You don't need pity from her, since that'll reel you back into the crappy relationship. You need for her to leave you alone. My last text to the ex consisted of this wording:

 

"Don't call me. Don't text me. Don't message me. Don't contact me in any way. In a few weeks, we'll never have to see each other again, and we'll both move on with our lives. Just leave me the [bad word] alone."

 

Feel free to use.

[critical_]

Russ I may just have to use that.

 

I guess one more thing I wanted to add was today she was at Dallas/Ft. Worth Airport while we were having another one of our arguments. I told her to go to the Southwest ticket counter so I could buy her a ticket to come see me. She said that she couldn't and wouldn't. I told her that we could fix a lot of our issues if we just saw each other and she agreed but still refused. Her reasons were that her family would not approve of her visiting me. At this point, with all of her lies and half-truths, I don't even know why she'd refuse. I guess she doesn't care and didn't really want this to work out. Maybe I wasn't worth it after all.

[thejigsup]

People generally treat us the way we let them treat us. It's that simple. It's too late for that letter, it really is. The pattern for your relationship is already set. It would take a miracle to change it at this point. Find someone worthy of your love. You are just her puppet and you deserve waaay more from a woman. You sound like a sensitive, caring, person. Women like her eat guys like you for lunch all the time. Dump her.

[lux848]

break up email? do it in person dude!!!

[Russ]

break up email? do it in person dude!!!

 

You should read the entire post, or at least some of the shorter ones. She lives very far away. Buying plane tickets and spending the time to break up with her in person is stupid.

[critical_]

People generally treat us the way we let them treat us. It's that simple. It's too late for that letter, it really is. The pattern for your relationship is already set. It would take a miracle to change it at this point. Find someone worthy of your love. You are just her puppet and you deserve waaay more from a woman. You sound like a sensitive, caring, person. Women like her eat guys like you for lunch all the time. Dump her.

 

I guess that is where I've always erred in my thinking. A part of me actually thinks that if I put my best foot forward that she'll feel like cherishing that behavior instead of abusing. Unfortunately abusing it is exactly what she does. Maybe someone somewhere can teach me how to deal with women--it almost sounds like you have to be a jerk if you want to be successful.

 

I do agree though, she has eaten my emotions for breakfast several times and I keep walking back into it. The latest incident where I walked back into it was when I called her while she was in front of her sister in the car. As we're getting off the phone she doesn't even bother to say 'I love you' when she used to say it before. So I said it and waited. Then I asked her directly why she's being weird about it and she had no response. My guess is that she's told her sister that we're over and/or has to keep some sort of image alive. Its sad really. I think her behavior is so pathetically sad.

 

break up email? do it in person dude!!!

 

As Russ stated I don't want to fly to London just to break up. It's a very large usage of resources and I would hate flying back to the US on the plane alone wondering if I could have done something else.

[pinkelephant]

People generally treat us the way we let them treat us. It's that simple. It's too late for that letter, it really is. The pattern for your relationship is already set. It would take a miracle to change it at this point. Find someone worthy of your love. You are just her puppet and you deserve waaay more from a woman. You sound like a sensitive, caring, person. Women like her eat guys like you for lunch all the time. Dump her.

 

I agree with this entirely. You can't change it anymore. You have to start clean.

 

 

 

I did the same too. Wrote my ex and email hoping he'd change, but he wouldn't. Couldn't. I brought it out of him, he brought it out of me. We were doomed.

 

You don't have to be a jerk, just have to have a back bone. My current bf treats me very well. He's a nice guy, but if I ask him to do something that he didn't want to do, he gives me a nice firm NO. The same if I talk out of line, he just looks at me like I'm a retard and I get it. LOL. Being a girl, sometimes I DO get out of line, my bf keeps me in check. But he's still a nice guy.

 

 

You just have to figure out what your views/values are and stick by them no matter what. The jerk thing is ridic.