I Talked to Her... Now I need help

[LW4E]

Long story short (Up until this point) my grilfriend and I were together for two years and ten months, she broke up with me on April 17th of this year. After the break up we remained friends, even best friends. Since the break up, we've had lots of ups and downs, especially concerning a 32 year old man who she had talked to on msn and "fallen in love" with who kept telling her (While we were together) that I couldn't be trusted, calling me things like a "Sneakey F'er" when my ex told him I read her diary (Which I confessed to on the very same day and asked to talk about.)

 

After the break up, I found out that she had made plans to fly out to England to meet this guy, she told me all about this disease he claimed he had which prevents him from flying alone, it was called Balmers. I looked up the disease, it didn't exist, I told her, I proved it to her, she didn't believe me, he called me a jealous A'hole, changed his story and she took his side in the matter, even though I was able to expose every hole in his story.

 

Later on, I found out that she had been having phone sex and cyber sex with him (By snooping unfortuantly), I was legitimately worried because she had been skipping out on school to do this, so I confronted her about it. She got worried that I would go to the police or to her father about it, so the morning after we had that talk, she told me she cut him out of her life.

 

All was fine for a while, we were hanging out and there was no sign of this guy, until one day when she skipped school claiming to be ill and throwing up. I called her that day to check up on her, and her phone line was busy, I knew that was nothing but bad news because all of her friends were at school, she obviously wasn't on the phone with me, and she was the only one home. I went over to her house, rang the bell, she came down the stairs in nothing but an oversized T-Shirt looking really guilty, she invited me in, gave me a drink and sent me on my way. The next day, I found his number on her home phone and we fought a few times.

 

A few days later, myself and two of her closest friends had a sit down talk with her about this, one of her friends said "Can we trust you to get rid of Jason from everywhere, including msn, myspace and where ever else he is?" She said yes and made a promise to do so within two days. To this day, he is still not off of her myspace and I doubt he is off of her msn as well.

 

Since then, I have had three talks with her, one was last week, the second was yesterday, and the third was today. The first talk we had was pretty short, I just told her that I think she needs professional help, because she had been lying to all of her friends, and constantly saying she felt "Evil" or "Apathetic."

 

Yesterday, I had a brief talk with her about skipping school and loyalty to her friends but it didn't really get anywhere.

 

Today I had a very deep talk with her, I started with her habit of skipping school I wanted to find out what was causing her school anxiety that she constantly complained about. I asked her when it first started and predictably, she said "It got really bad after my mom died." Around the time her mom died, we had lots of conflicts with two of our former friends, so together, we came to the conclusion that her anxiety was probably caused by the fear of conflict in school, but I'm not sure.

 

That conversation led into her sort of opening up about her mom, she said:

 

"I don't hang out with my friends as often anymore because they all have problems and I have problems of my own, I don't want to get involved in other people's problems because I'm so messed up. I'm not a very happy person anymore and I can't pass on any happiness if I don't have any to pass on. I remember when my mom was still alive, I used to go out with her every Friday night, now I feel like that part of me is gone."

 

She then went on to tell me how she liked to confide in her mom and tell her things when she would listen. She was a lot closer to her mom than I ever knew... or thought, whenever I saw them together they were fighting. This is now the point where our conversation got a bit weird, after a few moments of silence, she said:

 

"There has only ever been one person in my life who reminded me of my mom and that was Jason (The 32 year old guy.) I talked to him about everything that had to do with my mom, and he was the only person I ever talked about my mom to. And now he's gone from my life, my mom, and the person who most reminded me of my mom are now both gone from my life, people just get taken away from me far too often."

 

Of course I think she's a bit mellowdramatic, there was actually one thing I went to her house to tell her, and it was about a talk and some promises I made to her mother just weeks before she passed away. After she told me about how that guy reminded her of her mother, there was a long period of silence before I spoke up.

 

Me: Your mom really loved you...

Her: *Nods*

Me: I know because, she told me.

Her: *She started crying*

Me: A few weeks before she died, when you had her set up on the bed in your piano room, she wanted to talk to me on my way out of the house. She told me a lot, she told me al about how much she was going to miss you and your sister and how much she loved the two of you. I didn't know at first why she was telling me this, but I soon learned after. She wanted me to make a promise to always let you know how special you are, to always let you know that you're important, and to always keep you safe and out of trouble.

 

She cried a bit and went to the washroom to blow her nose, when she came back she sat down and said something that in my mind was really offensive to me. She didn't even look at me when she said it, she said "I really hope you're not using my mom's death to get me to do things." I assured her that I would never ever do that and only told her about this because I felt like she deserved to know that her mother loved her and cared for her. I was fuming inside when she said that, hell I was fuming inside when she told me that Jason reminded her of her mother, Jason has done nothing but manipulate her, he's done nothing but try to make me look like a monster to her, and he's managed to have her alienate herself from every single one of her friends... except me, and she says someone like this reminds her of her mother?

 

I need help here... how is her mind working? I am seriously baffled at this whole situation, can somebody help me understand this? I'm starting to think that her father should be alerted as to what had been (and probably still is) going on between my ex and this guy, as well as her mental issues that she has admitted to, but any input would be nice.

 

Thanks.

[melrich]

How old is she?

[melrich]

I need help here... how is her mind working?

 

"I really hope you're not using my mom's death to get me to do things."

 

Look I can see your concerns about the guy in England. But here is your problem, you should not be the one dealing with these things. You have vested interests that may or may not be altruistic. She is always going to suspect your motives and thereforeee reject your messages.

 

you need to step out and leave it to her father or other trusted friends to give her guidance.

[Whiskers]

Have you thought about standing back at letting it go? I don't mean completely cutting her out but perhaps not going out of your way to try and make it better. Some times people need to hit face first into the dirt but you can't let them when you're watching. There is nothing to say you can't call a couple of times a week to see how she is but you can't let her and this situation bring you down as well.

You care, it's wonderful that you do do and perhaps she'll realise you only wanted to help, that this English guy is not all that.

She might come back given a little space.

After what she said, you have to believe that a little time and distance is in order - you didn't deserve that.

It's not your place to tell her father, nor is it your responsibility to pick up the pieces. Take Care not to hurt yourself more, you can only help those who want to be helped

XXXX

[LW4E]

How old is she?

 

We're the same age, seventeen.

 

Look I can see your concerns about the guy in England. But here is your problem, you should not be the one dealing with these things. You have vested interests that may or may not be altruistic. She is always going to suspect your motives and thereforeee reject your messages.

 

you need to step out and leave it to her father or other trusted friends to give her guidance.

 

I was already contemplating stepping back, summer break is on the horizon, and I hope to do things with my friends, but she's always going to be in my mind no matter how much fun I'm having with my friends.

 

I am worried, I do still love her very much, she was my first love, my first, pretty much everything and she's always going to have a special place in my heart. Somewhere down the road, I really do want to make things work with her again, but I would never try to get her back when she needs this much help, that just seems selfish to me.

 

With me backing out, that would be the very last friend of her's... everybody else has stepped back and advised me to do the same. I guess I'm just a little bit afraid of hurting her, but at the same time I want her to see what life with no friends is like... it sucks.

 

Have you thought about standing back at letting it go? I don't mean completely cutting her out but perhaps not going out of your way to try and make it better. Some times people need to hit face first into the dirt but you can't let them when you're watching. There is nothing to say you can't call a couple of times a week to see how she is but you can't let her and this situation bring you down as well.

You care, it's wonderful that you do do and perhaps she'll realise you only wanted to help, that this English guy is not all that.

She might come back given a little space.

After what she said, you have to believe that a little time and distance is in order - you didn't deserve that.

It's not your place to tell her father, nor is it your responsibility to pick up the pieces. Take Care not to hurt yourself more, you can only help those who want to be helped

XXXX

 

In most cases, I think that it is best to let people make their own mistakes, when we were together, I stopped talking to the english guy on msn regularly because my teacher showed the class an article on cyber stalkers and how they work their victims. After taking a close look at the article, I had taken notice of the early signs, stopped talking to him regularly and warned her about him, but she always thought I was joking. As time went on, I was able to predict his next moves because I had remembered and referenced that article my teacher showed me. I seriously started warning her, but she didn't care... well, he's pulled every move frm that article, I've shown her the article, I've shown her multiple other sources that could prove what his intentions were, and she never believed me. So on his word she broke up with me, and she made plans to fly out there to meet him because he can't fly alone.

 

As you can see, she's very taken by all of this, I'm afraid that if I let her make her own mistakes, she's going to get seriously hurt... or worse... But I guess it has to be done, I guess I can only hope that with no friends in her life she comes to a realization of some sort.

 

Thanks for all the help...

[Whiskers]

okay, well I know I could be another stalker...I'm not. But I'm English, I'm female and if something happens while she is here...well I'll keep my nose in the forum.

Step back but not out.

Take Care.

XXXX