Rocky LDR...Advice needed!

[thekid55]

Hello. I'm a 19 year old college freshman. Freshman year was a great year for me. Good grades, friends, etc. I met this really fun, awesome girl in February and it evolved to being more than from March till the end of the school year (May). We spent a lot of time together, had a great time, very sexual, etc. We did everything that couple do, except have a title. I met her family, she met mine, shared a bed every night, we were both truly happy. It was a tearful goodbye when she left for the summer.

 

Summer comes along and within the first week, she tells me that she can't give me 100%. Until then, we had been talking everyday and we continued to speak everyday. As soon as she got home, her ex boyfriend had been calling her non-stop. They dated for a year in high school and broke up in January. While she is over him, but she has seen him at a lot of places because they have the same friends. He has made a huge deal because she has me now and has even got his friends to make to a big deal about it. He has pinned his drug addiction on her. He even tried to kiss her one night and she ended up slapping him and he called her a "c Unt".

 

So after sitting there and listening to these problems for 2 weeks, I tell her that she needs to do something about it because I don't want to hear about them anymore and the situation is avoidable. This leads to a huge argument where she tells me that I "lecture" her on what to do rather than just listen to her. And I tell her that she needs to do something about the ex. And we've never had an actual fight...every problem has been centered with this ex. So she ends up telling me that she can't do this with me anymore.

 

5 days go by, I call her and talk to her since I had this trip planned to come see her. I tell her that I am coming now to visit my room mate who lives nearby and she suggests that I come out to lunch with her beforehand.

 

I agree and lunch happened last Friday. It was so awkward. She wasn't being herself. And it really bothered me. At one point, I asked her if we were okay now. And that led to opening the flood gates with problems. And she said that I was trying to tell her what to do by not going where her ex is. And I simply told her that I didn't want her to be upset. And she says that he is in her group of friends so she can't avoid him. I did get a bit needy at times when I would say "Let's just go back to normal" and she would say that it is not that easy. Lastly, as she was taking me to my room mates, she tells me that she is totally over her ex, but she is not over the relationship she had with him. He has this drug addiction, gets into a lot of trouble, and is going to community college next year to be closer to her. (Our school is 2 hours away). I got pretty mad because I asked her why she got involved with me in the first place and she told me that she was totally over him but the problem came to surface when she got home. That's why she told me she couldn't give me 100%

 

Recap: She told me on the trip that she still really likes me a lot, but she can't fully commit to me. She told me not to wait for her because she doesn't know how long it'll be. She also said that she goes out drinking most nights to get away from her problems. She really doesn't talk to many of her friends from school and her job hasn't started yet. It is almost like she is in a state of depression. I told her that she just needs time to let things go and having the job will help.

 

The last time I spoke to her was on Saturday afternoon, asking about her day and she asked about my room mate's. It was an upbeat conversation, but I think I need to stop initiating contact. Maybe not to the extreme of NC, but I will respond to her if she contacts me. And just be myself.

 

I think this situation just needs time since we weren't together for very long before the summer came. Plus, I'm not going to pressure her and just walk away. I've made my attempts to try to get things to work. If anything, I would just want things to go back when we get to school. Gives her a solid 2 1/2 months to get over her last relationship and allows me time to explore other options. We are 5 hours apart during the summer rather than 5 doors down during school.

 

Advice?

[eTired]

I've never seen a foolproof and all around good way to deal with situations like this.

 

Eventually, if she wants to continue the self destructive behavior, you have to tell her that unless she is willing to look out for her own well being, you can't expect someone else to, so don't bring it up if you just want to go in circles about it.

 

You can be there for her however, you can be that one person she can go to, but I think you should also not put yourself on hold for someone who has no commitment to you.

[Lionel Hutz]

she told me she couldn't give me 100%

 

You deserve someone who will. Why waste your time with someone who will not give you their all; and also why deal with someone who says they cant avoid their ex. She will vent and you listen, but when you try to give advice she claimes you lecture. Let her know that you may have some bias when it comes to giving "lectures". Naturally you want to help her and not seem nonresponsive and un caring. Sounds like you know whats best considering you know her and her behavior well.

[thekid55]

So what do u suggest I do moving forward and what should I do when school resumes?

 

NC for now? She IMed my away message on Tuesday bragging about the Celtics winning in a joking matter since we had a rivalry with the NBA playoffs. I didn't respond to it.

[rohded]

I agree with not initiating contact for now. I was in a LDR for the school year and everything was fine until my gf started hanging out with a new group of guys. She felt comfortable with our relationship so she started doing her own thing. I didn't understand this at the time and thought it was her not having the same feelings for me anymore. I started calling her all the time thinking more contact would change how she felt. WRONG! She grew even more distant and dreaded my calls. I became jealous of the guys she hung out with and before the school year ended, she broke it off. If I would have known what I do now I would have given her some space to breathe and we would probably be enjoying this Summer together. Instead now I'm doing NC to see if she will realize her mistake in dumping me, and to see if she notices the changed I've made, and that I've realized what she wanted. Good luck!

[Lionel Hutz]

I think this situation just needs time since we weren't together for very long before the summer came.

 

This sounds accurate. Go with it.

[thekid55]

I would like to be enjoying some time with her come September so I'm just backing off to let her get her stuff together. As I stated before, I did have one tiny bit of neediness/clingyness when I saw her...other than that, the trip was just awkward. I said something along the lines of "Let's just go back to what we were" and she said that it's not that easy..

 

We had some laughs and enjoyed each other's company. We really haven't spoken too much since then. I did text her last Saturday asking about her day and all. She immediately responded to my messages and was receptive of it. Even on Tuesday, she left me an IM about the Celtics winning the title since we had a funny rivalry with the whole NY/Boston thing. That was the last I heard from her. I'm just going to enjoy my summer and let her enjoy hers. If she comes to me, I will be receptive of the conversation. If we don't talk, I'm sure we'll see each other come September.

 

Cooler heads may prevail in this situation. I think we just need some time. It's hard to solve issues when you aren't around the person every day.