just some friendly advice would help....

[carloshalfordo]

hey all, ive managed to finally sign up and post this as things are just killing me....so if any of you can spend a few mins reading my situation/problem/heartache and offer some advice id be so thankful!

 

ok so my girlfriend of 18 months broke up with me just over a week ago, which incidentally was the day before our 18 month anniversary.

 

im absolutely devastated

 

Everything was amazing, i loved her so much and would do anything for her and i felt that no matter what happened we were always so strong that we could get through anything together.

 

I started a job in february and it was only for 6 months as i was going back to uni to do my Masters. we had argued over how we were going to cope with me being over 250 miles away, and it came to a conclusion that we should get a place together. things were going ok. i was coping with work (but not liking it at all) she started a new job but things were getting a bit difficult 3 weeks before she finally broke up with me. I was depressed and really fed up about my job, and i had a bit of a blow when the course dates changed which meant the plans to move in together were temporarily off. I thought that i could just let off steam to her. i know i probably did this far too often and by doing so i kept "bringing her down" and this was something she really didnt like me doing. so in the 2 weeks leading to the breakup i was being depressed and "off" with her as i was trying so hard to do things right for us.

 

She had been planning an organised visit to China and would have been gone for 5 weeks. she so desperately wanted me to go with her but i kept saying i couldnt (as i had something else lined up). i was planning to fly out and surprise her by showing up in her 5th week so we could see some of the amazing country together. and this was the beginnings of this amazing plan i had concocted.

 

Because of the blow with moving in together, I was planning on deferring uni to travel the world with her (as SHE wanted us to), and had a load of things planned for us, which is why i was being a bit "neglectful". i had this grand surprise in my head and knew that 2 weeks of hard work would be well worth it as we would be jetsetting around the world together.

 

But on friday 9th june, i went up to see her and just like that she said

 

I breaking up with you.

 

since then ive been a state, all the plans i had, everything has just come crashing down on me and im not doing well at all. I foolishly emailed one of her friends for advice, and called in at another one of her friends houses just to talk but she has seen all this as an attempt at me trying to control her and get into her head. ive not been in contact with her but i did mention that i wanted to see her for coffee before she goes to china.

 

I am so upset that i signed into her facebook account and found a heartbreaking message that she sent to one of her friends which read something along the lines of "things were mega complicated with that boy. Its not even that I was mega in love and just wanted to be with him all the time and forget my friends....he didn't really like me going out without him, didnt like me drinking.....just always trying to get into my head and etc. I think the reason he asked me to move away was to control me and keep me under the thumb, so LUCKY escape there.

 

that hurt to read and was all lies.

 

so guys im sorry for the monster message......sometimes just writng things down is a huge help and this is helping me loads. i miss her so much and although she said those things im sure she doesnt mean them as we were so so good together. i want her back in my arms so badly, i want to be with her for the rest of our lives as we planned.

 

any help or suggestions on what i can do to get her back, or how to fix a broken heart would be great.

 

thank you so much

[ccali78]

Ok what you need to do is let her go. Do not log into her facebook account again and if you need to ask her to change the password. You do not need to see stuff that will bring you down. Let her go to China and let her be herself for a bit. If she loves you the way you thought and you have a mature relationship than you may have a chance. But if you go around calling her friends and breaking into her accounts that is going to continue to fuel her conception that you are controlling. Just remember you cannot change a person that does not want to change themselves. You have to live your own lives within reason to remain in harmony. Think about her accusations and see if there is evidence. If there was than maybe you need to work on yourself and if there wasn't than continue to grow and leave her be for the time being. You will get stronger. I am not with my ex but I am in a good place as I am working on me and we are friends and I like that. But you have to be able to be just friends and it does not sound like you are there yet. Hang in there and keep posting it will get better. You will even start giving advice

[carloshalfordo]

thank you for the quick reply. i been through her accusations over and over and over and the only thing that i can get from it is that she sent it as a desperate plee to get her friends back. making me see the ultimate bad guy was obviously going to have her friends (that she openly said were a waste of time and that she never wanted anything to do with them again) accept her back. I never once stopped her from seeing anybody, never had a problem with her drinking, (i dont drink myself but never inflicted that on her) never had a problem with her doing her own things.

 

I know i was wrong to sign into her facebook, but i guess i was just so in pieces i needed to have some closure as to why things ended up like this. ive not done it since (but have tried) as her passwords have been changed. now im paranoid that she knows i signed in as her. i need this girl in my life and wanted to be the one to put THAT ring on her finger. even though we were only together 18 months we had spoken about our future together, spoken about the memory box of our things that our grandkids would find when we were long gone, etc

 

i love her to much and just want her back and good god it hurts

[thejigsup]

You made all of these great plans for the both of you, but never told her about them. That is lame with a captial L! A relationship is team effort, not a one man show. You should have told her. She was putting up with a lot and that usually ends up in a woman being resentful. Nothing you can do now but learn from this. Feeling neglected and not included in plans is the kiss of death for a woman. I know you just wanted to surprise her, but by keeping it a secret and repeatedly disappointing her, she surprised you.

[ccali78]

It does hurt, but just remember everything happens for a reason. Woman do like to know about what the plan is for the future but we also like surprises there needs to be an equal balance. You cannot call someone lame for not telling the person the plan of the surprise. It sounds like there were some problems and that should have been discussed not the romantic surprise. I would love it if my guy said he was not going and I already was so no harm and he surprised me. The problem was not the surprise it was the relationship.

 

I have been on both sides. I have talked bad about my ex to my friends to save face. He will not let me go out, he will not let me drink, been there it was all very selfish. I have also felt controlled by this and can relate to her, give her space and do not contact her or your friends or they may be no chance at reconcilation and you will prolong your pain. I have also done some spying nothing was going on but I would put ideas in my head that were not there. Do not try to read her thoughts or justify anything. Even when you think you know a person and have discussed the most intimate details of your life does not mean you really do.... People let you see what they want you to see. It took me 5 years to see that my ex was really depressed and not crazy....

[carloshalfordo]

i guess all i want to know is if there is any hope for me at all. im supposed to be meeting her for coffee tomorrow which i dont know if its a good idea or not. if i do go i want to be upbeat, looking well, positive etc and just there for her as a friend and to wish her well on her trip. i know most of you will say dont go, but i long to see her and have this foolish idea that by seeing me she'll think about taking me back. i know its a crazy idea and i wont even suggest it, but i guess you hold on to that tiny gimmer of hope in times like this

[ccali78]

If you go be her friend and mean it. And let her move on. Just think of it this way. How often do you talk to a friend? What do you talk about? Would you be mad if your friend didnt talk to you for months? If you called a friend just to say hi or see what they were doing and they did not call back would you be mad? Would you be mad if your friend was dating? What topics can your friends talk to you openly about? If you want to be her friend and you mean it. You need to accept all the answers to those questions as you would a friend and if you cannot handle it you are not ready

[carloshalfordo]

all i want to know is if there is any chance of us ever getting back together. even the thought of her not being by my side causes so much pain its almost unbearable

[ccali78]

I wish I knew the answer to that none of us know. But if you stalk her and make demands the answer will surely be no.... If you give her space and let her know that you will be there is she needs you and let her go off and be herself you may have a chance that is all I can offer.

[carloshalfordo]

i guess that her going to china is a blessing in disguise. talk about enforced NC! im reading through the superdave posts and ive pretty much done all the wrong things up until now. she loved flowers, i brought her flowers, she loved poetry, i wrote her a poem. i wish i didnt do those things but i did. i guess that i went into panic mode. wish i got ahold of this forum first!

 

i have told her that im there when she is ready and have made no contact for about a week or so, but am dreading tomorrow and whether or not we go for a coffee.

 

thanks so much for your help. any more from anyone will be much appreciated.

 

im off for probably another sleepless night without her next to me

[ccali78]

We all do it, do not worry. Just come here for support. If you cannot answer the question ask someone else and they will help you will get good advice and not so good advise but it will help you stay in the moment instead of projecting the lonely future.... I called my ex crying in a mess. Begging him to reconsider and now we are friends so you never know. I have confidence that down the road we will work it out. Just not now. We can not make it work now. Too many issues. Work out your issues, your insecurities first no matter how hard there was life before and there will be life after.