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JSHRN
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I met my girlfriend in July and we dated for 3 1/2 months before she decided she "needed space" to focus more on school. I gave her space but the problem was -- she didn't bother to see me for 7 weeks! She called maybe 3 times in those 7 weeks with small talk. I was devastated, had major anxiety and panic attacks, you name. I loved her and she started to break my heart. The interesting thing is -- she was the one who initially asked me out and wanted to be with me, then this happened.

 

Well, the past 3 weeks she's been calling almost everyday. Mostly small talk. We haven't had "the talk" yet - she's avoiding it, saying things like "ask me when school is on break" (she finished last week). Now it's, "we'll talk after the holidays". Obviously, she's avoiding this but I don't want to play games. The anxiety attacks and puking have started again -- all because she's doing it again. This is so weird because it's a one-sided relationship with her. She never said "I want to end it" but her actions are speaking volumes. I've tried to stay busy. I've tried to move on. But, it's like she has me under a spell.

 

I know she has a busy life with school and especially her parents but it seems that when it's convenient for her to call -- she'll call. She mostly calls me at work and, of course, I can't have a heart to heart talk with her. She talks to me like I'm a friend which really hurts.

 

I know I'm crazy for still loving her. The times we spent together in the beginning and the things we've talked about made me think she was the one.

 

Why can't I move on? Why is she doing this? Why is he avoiding "the talk" with me?

 

Because of this my holidays are ruined. Sure, I'm spending it with my family but there's a huge part of my heart missing without her.

 

Damn, this really hurts.

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I am sorry for your pain. I am hurting also. I kind of know how you feel because my ex dumped me about a week ago, and then a couple of days ago he was telling me he missed me and stuff like that. I don't know what to tell you besides it will take time to get over her. I would stop letting her string you along and move on with your life. Not meaning you have to go start dating right away, but go out with friends and things like that. I hope your holidays start to look up some. Good Luck, and I hoped I helped.

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You are giving this person way too much power over you. Put an end to it immediately. You are doing yourself plenty of harm by CHOOSING to be under her spell. You can choose otherwise, my friend. I know it's hard. It's prolly the most difficult thing you'll ever do. But you're going to have to refuse to be a part of this.

If you feel hurt everytime she calls you, then you should ask her not to call you anymore. Tell her how all of this is making you feel.

If she is as selfish as you describe, then don't you think you deserve better? I think you do.

The reason you can't move on is because you haven't. She's still a big part of your life.

Take care of you and you only. That must come first.

From the sounds of it, it doesn't seem you'll be happy with her even if she came around. You simply deserve better.

THink of it this way: right at this very instant, there are probably tens of potential partners that would most probably be way more suitable for you, that would appreciate you for who you are and would never dream of stringing you along like this. Give yourself the chance to meet those people. Free yourself. No one else will. Let me know how things turned out for you. Good luck! And happy holidays.

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The most difficult part of this is she is the one who originally wanted to get together and date me. Apparently, things became complicated in her life (mostly school) and apparently I was the "easiest" thing to put on hold. She was always concerend that I would be the one who would leave her first when, in fact, she is doing it to me! When we were together we had great times together. Lately, my wall is up because of the hurt she's caused. I feel like I'm stuck here. Outside of work I'm not a very sociable person. I tend to be a loner and do a lot of things by myself. I'm 42 and not into the "high school games" anymore. She's 28 and, in a way, she's playing a game here. She obviously doesn't have the time to devote to a relationship with me. (She doesn't have time to date anyone else either). But, I find it very puzzling. Why would you come into someone's life, tell them you love them and want to spend your life with them, then say you need space, then suddenly reappear? I just don't get it. I thought when she started calling again we could have spent some time together. I called her today and got her answering machine. I find it hard to believe that her actions are going to back to square one again. Under the surface of these games is a very loving woman. That's the part I can't get past. I've been unlucky in love for so long now it's become a part of my life. I haven't spent a Christmas or major holiday with a significant other in 7 years! Maybe I wasn't meant to be married and have children. But is it too much to ask to be loved?

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I don't think it's too much to ask to be loved. but why choose the wrong person for that and end up not getting what you want? And by the wrong person, I mean someone like the lady you're talking about, who is obviously not as into it as you are. I myself haven't been with a significant other in 6 years, so I know what you're talking about. It hurts like a mother. I had a very rough weekend with an ex who just refuses to give me what I want (closure, hope, whatever...). Yesterday morning, I woke up and from nowhere I decided the hell with him! This is my christmas, and I won't let anyone else ruin it for me. Life is so incredibly short. I might not have a significant other, and as a woman my child-bearing years are very quickly ticking away, and yet this life is all I have. And it could end tomorrow or the day after. I really wouldn't want to live my last day feeling rejected and unloved. The moment you let go of unrequited love, is the moment you start loving yourself, and take it from me, it feels good! And I'll be damned if I'll let someone who isn't deserving come in the way.

 

Here's my mantra. i read it whenever I am feeling like the world is caving in.

I hope you find something in it for you, as well.

 

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesnt mean leaning and company doesnt mean security, And you begin to learn that kisses arent contracts and presents arent promises, And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really are strong, And you really do have worth."

 

Take care of yourself.

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