How I think today since it has been over 3 months now

[Vulcan800]

I hate you,

I hate the way you left me,

The way you left me here alone to sleep alone to do things alone.

I hate how you just dropped me without any feelings or thoughts about me.

I hate that you think of someone else now the way you thought of me.

I hate how you are having sex with him

The thought Of you calling out his name the things he is doing to you and the text messages he sent you saying how horny he was and knowing that you were going to go home and give it up to him

 

I * * * * ing hate you for that.

 

I hate the fact that the entire relationship was wasted.

I think about the Canada trip and the things we did and for a time there we had a decent life together. Now nothing.

 

I hate the fact that even if you did come back one-day things will never be the same.

I resent you for how you treated me, the nasty things you said to me.

 

I hate the fact you actually read the text message to me about Him and how he wanted but sex.

I hate that you had a pic of you two on your phone.

 

I hate how you are. I hate you for how you make me feel. I hate how you broke me as a person and to think the way I am was only because I loved you and you walked all over that.

 

I hate the fact that I actually thought we would get married. I was looking forward to that and then to be built up and only to be let down by you. I hate you for that.

 

I hate the fact that even if you did come back that things would not be the same because at one point we lived together shard the same bed and now even if we did get back together nothing would be right until you lived with me again

 

I don’t trust you anymore; I have no faith in you anymore.

 

I hate the way you held all the cards and called all the shots knowing that I would come running to you.

 

I hate the fact that even if we did get back together there would be soo many things that would bother me.

 

The people you slept with, I never could believe that the things you would say to me if you ever said anything sweet or sexy to me I would always think that you have said that to someone else before.

 

I think of all the time as I sit here wasted when we could have been together.

 

If we did get back together sooo much would have to be different. I could never go to your apt, I could never use or drink out of your plates or cups knowing that someone else drank and ate off of them.

 

If we did get back together, you would have to drop EVERYONE the only person that would be allowed in your phone or you to contact would be your mom and sister.

 

Any friends you did make would have to be after we were back together.

 

I would always have doubts that you even if you were with me again that you would still think from time to time about the other people you were with.

 

I feel like you are now tainted and I could never look at you the same.

 

I feel as though anything we ever did form the point we got back together would be noting new or special because you have already have done that with someone else.

 

I would never feel as though I would be getting 100% from you again.

 

I would prob hold so much resentment towards you that I would prob hate you for the things you did to me and I don’t know if I could get over that to love you like I would want to.

 

I always would be afraid that you would just pick up one day and leave like you have done soo many times before.

 

I would resent the fact that the time we were apart I could never get back.

 

You would have to buy an entire new set of clothes and prob get a new car because I could never get over the thought that some other guy either sat in your car or drove it.

I could never touch you with the clothes you own because knowing someone else had their hands on you and them.

 

How could I even find any peace or feel like I meant anything special to you now after knowing that anything you said to me was prob the same exact words you said to someone else.

 

How can I deal with the fact that if you did come back that I would feel as if I was second best. I wasn’t good enough for you to stick around but if you came back why? Cause I am second best?

 

Or to have sex with you after knowing you did the same tings I used to do to you you have done with someone else.

 

This is how you have made me; this is what you have turned me into and causes me to think this way now.

 

The hurt you have caused me, the pain I go through and these ever haunting thoughts eat at me.

 

Yet still, I want you back. I feel so angry towards you. I hate what you have done to me.

I hate how you make me feel.

 

I hate that if we were back together that we would have to start all over. I hate to think that during the time we were apart that you would have changed and I wouldn’t know who you were cause I wasn’t around to watch you go threw these changes.

 

I wanted to be with you so that I could watch you change and grow into a person and now I won’t see that.

 

I hate the fact that you and him are prob saying I love you to each other.

 

As far as I am concerned the only and last person you should be saying that to was me.

 

Now I feel all is ruined. In every sense, from the times we were together to if there were to be anything down the road.

 

I feel if we ever had another relationship that it would just be stained now form the things you did while we were apart.

 

I would feel as if I am nothing special to you anymore because everything that we shared you have experienced in one form or another with someone else.

 

So by you telling him or who ever that you loved them, have sex with them or do all the cute little things like text back and forth or things like when you text me saying I want to be your wifey or let’s go to the adult store or I wish I was doing this or that to you right now cause I m so horny. Knowing you are doing those things with someone else like you did with me.

 

So if we did get back together, what would be special about any of those things we would do again? Nothing! Because you did those things with someone else and for you to say and do those things with someone else makes me feel like I m just another person you are saying or doing those things with.

 

I feel as though there is nothing special that we would ever share again. It has all been said and done already with who ever you were with.

 

And I feel that you would always look back at some time and remember the other guy. If we went to a place to eat that you went to with him or drove down a street that you drove down with him or if I said something that maybe he would have said. I would always think I wonder if she is thinking about or remembering him.

 

I wonder if he buys you chocolate bars like I did when you were PMSing?

I wonder if you even remember me doing that for you anyymore?

 

I wonder if you think he is cute when he just wakes up and is still sleepy and confussed like you used to love how I looked when I just woke up. I wonder if you look at him and tell him he is cute like that?

 

I would always doubt if you would get close to me like you did before.

 

I would always doubt if you would ever love me as much as you did before.

 

I would never be sure if you really wanted to be with me to go the distance.

 

I would always have trust and insecurities about you.

 

I would always question myself if you were happy and if this is what you wanted.

 

It would take me a long time to forgive you and to get the thoughts out of my head that you were with someone else.

[renaissancewoman101]

I hope it felt catharthic for you to write this out.

 

I feel for you. I know how it is to get betrayed by a SO.

[Clabs]

Wow mate - that was a MEGA vent!

 

It is great to get angry - but fella - try to put some of the anger to good use. Try to use part of the anger to kick your butt and move you forwards - ok?

 

Mark

[Vulcan800]

I think Iam going to go buy a drum set so I can work out my frustrations!

 

You can only get so angry playing a harmonica LOL

 

Now drums you can BEAT!!!!!!

[Phirefenix]

Wow, all that energy could be well spent playing drums man. Kudos for getting it out there. I have been a musician for years, and it's so soothing. I never played harmonica, but drums I have. Playing a drumset can be so taxing physically when you really rip into it. You'll get in shape and get your anger out physically in an artistic way. It's perfect!

[cr44hill]

Vulcan -

 

I feel your pain bro. I'm 4 mos. post BU and I too think of the ex and the things we did and shared and now it seems like it didn't mean a thing to her, like it was all lies. Your ex sounds like a beast; to tell you the things she did and texts with this new guy; that's bs. Continue to let the anger, sadness, and other emotions flow. I cry sometimes, i throw things (pillows or baseball caps), but I try to follow it up with some forward thinking and thinking in the present. It is hard, and I suck at it, but what you're doing with the posting here is perfect, it's what we all need to do. I could copy 75% of the things you wrote to apply to my situation too. Just so you know you're definitely not alone. Reading your post is cathartic to me too because after so many of the lines I muttered in my head "hell yeah, same goes for me!" We'll get through this, we've got to.