What if someone moves on because of NC

[sf]

Hi

 

My girlfriend of three years broke up with me June 1, though she has been away since May 14. I want to get her back, and read that NC is the best way. I share a class with her but I completely ignored her. However, I wrote a letters to her saying that my life is empty without her...not long needy ones, but a poem, and a letter apologising for taking her for granted. I also asked her to come back into my life a week ago.

 

My problem is this. I want to continue the NC but I am afraid she might think I am cold and did not really care for her, and move on.

 

Any advice?

[confused85]

The more I went NC, the more I think I convinced my girl that I didn't want her. Maybe girls who are insecure can't handle NC, but others would want you more if you were strong and independent. I think it may be trickier than some on here make it seem. I feel like NC is what you do when you, yourself need to move on and heal. If you play NC when you really want to be together, I think that is called 'playing games.' I think everyone loses when games are played.

 

I dunno if that helped, but goodluck

[Stella Sleepwalks]

I went NC because my ex initiated it. Made me feel like he hated me. Finally broke it 2 weeks ago after three months and got a very sweet response and he obviously still cares and was glad I text him, however, I have more or less healed now and am moving on. If it was his idea of making me miss him then it definitely worked, but that doesn't mean I could go back to him after all this time. I felt unwanted and unloved - yes I initiated the break-up because he treated me bad, but he couldn't expect me to beg him back after the way he treated me when we are together. It shows me that he isn't willing to change, or that he hasn't recognised his problem. If by some miracle he stays away from me because, (and he said this to my mum), he doesn't know what he does that hurts me but he can't do it to me because he loves me, then he is burying everything that he feels and that makes me feel even worse.

 

We are NC again, but I think he would be nice to me again if I broke it a second time. Dunno whether I will, I think like many people on here advise, when the dumper breaks NC and doesn't want a reconcilliation, the dumpee should just retreat to NC again. I have not implied I want a reconcilliation and have told him I am doing really well, happy, chirpy and healthy, (unlike him at the moment), and have heard nothing back after that.

 

I think he is leaving me alone because I am happy - it still makes me feel crappy though, even though I know it is best.

[Ellie2006]

In my humble opinion, I think keeping in contact or going NC has little impact on how a relationship turns out -- if you are going to get back together, it's going to happen, one way or the other.

 

If you are worried that your ex might think you're cold bc you did NC, shouldnt you be equally worried that if you continue to contact her, she may resent you for holding her back from recovering from the break-up? If she doesn't want to get back together with you now, won't she get even angrier if you keep insisting on getting in touch with her, when she's trying to move on with her life?

 

I think people advocate NC, not because of its impact on the reconciliation, BUT because it gives YOU time and distance from the break-up to reassess what happened and helps YOU heal.

 

Think of the NC period as a good thing -- a time to recover yourself and think about whether or not you truly want to be in a relationship (again) with your ex. If you decide that you want to try again after a solid period of NC, then and only then, you may want to consider contacting your ex again.

 

Good luck and take care of yourself.

[confused85]

I went NC because my ex initiated it. Made me feel like he hated me. Finally broke it 2 weeks ago after three months and got a very sweet response and he obviously still cares and was glad I text him, however, I have more or less healed now and am moving on. If it was his idea of making me miss him then it definitely worked, but that doesn't mean I could go back to him after all this time. I felt unwanted and unloved - yes I initiated the break-up because he treated me bad, but he couldn't expect me to beg him back after the way he treated me when we are together. It shows me that he isn't willing to change, or that he hasn't recognised his problem.

 

Wow, this sounds eerily similar to my situation. You say he went NC on you after you dumped him, that it made you jealous, but that you still didn't want him back? So are you just 100% done with him or would you have wanted to reconcile had he behaved differently?

 

It really struck me when you said he couldn't expect you to beg him back... It's so reminiscient of the position I was in (as your dumped bf). You say you felt unloved, but when you dumped him, surely he also felt even more unloved. When I was in this position, I wanted the dumper to beg, which is what you are saying you refused to do. That kills me. Not cause I think you are wrong but because it's just sad. From his perspective, it is very difficult to keep pursuing you when you have just dumped him. But I see how it is equally difficult for you to be able to beg for him back, given how you felt when you were together.

 

Could he have changed the outcome if he didn't expect you to beg? Or have you been set on leaving him behind? And how would he know all of this?

 

Hopefully the OP can learn from this also...

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Wow, this sounds eerily similar to my situation. You say he went NC on you after you dumped him, that it made you jealous, but that you still didn't want him back? So are you just 100% done with him or would you have wanted to reconcile had he behaved differently?

 

Going NC never made me jealous at all. I have nothing to be jealous of, if he met someone who could make him happy I would wish him well, in fact the last words I said to him were, "I hope you find someone who makes you happy." He sped off in his car at 100mph close to tears.

 

I am still at a loss over who dumped who to be honest. I stood up to him, told him a few home truths after he started breaking me down again, and put the final nail in the coffin with "I love you and I don't wanna lose you but I am more scared of losing myself than losing you! I can't be myself around you anymore." He basically had a nervous break-down right infront of me. I put EVERYTHING into the relationship, and he never lifted a finger. I was supportive and loving and he was setting me up to fail. I had to be perfect, nothing less than perfect, and he was treating me like dirt.

 

I find it hard to be 100% done with him because I see him as someone who is his own worst enemy. My character is very loving and compassionate and I find it hard to accept other peoples flaws. I make excuses for them, but I am putting myself first. Up until I broke NC I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. I DON'T HURT PEOPLE. I have never hurt anyone in my life, and I ended up hurting the one person I loved more than anyone. He FORCED me to take the blame for us breaking up, twisted everything I said and was viscious. I just recognised that he was hurting me, and that it wsn't me being over sensitive and it wasn't all in my head. He told me it was over because I insulted him intitally, but then two days later, (we broke up on my birthday of all days :sad: ), he said, "I don't know what I do to make you feel like you can't be yourself around me, but its not intentional. We can't go back if you can't be yourself around me." I know that is true, and I also know that uness he recognises what he has been doing there is no going back. The whole "I don't know what I do...." Thats rubbish! He's a very smart guy, he knows what he has been doing to me, and he shouldn't push it onto me.

 

 

It really struck me when you said he couldn't expect you to beg him back... It's so reminiscient of the position I was in (as your dumped bf). You say you felt unloved, but when you dumped him, surely he also felt even more unloved. When I was in this position, I wanted the dumper to beg, which is what you are saying you refused to do. That kills me. Not cause I think you are wrong but because it's just sad. From his perspective, it is very difficult to keep pursuing you when you have just dumped him. But I see how it is equally difficult for you to be able to beg for him back, given how you felt when you were together.

 

He said I was the girl he wanted to marry, have kids with and spend the rest of his life with. He is 8 years older than me and never been married, still lives with his mother and doesn't have many single friends. He is a bit of a loner I suppose. He has commitment issues and has settled with women he knew he didn't have a future with because then he didn't have to invest emotionally. They were weak and clingy, and they depended on him for their future happiness and his approval.

 

I on the other hand am a pretty confident girl. I wasn't interested in him to start with, and he chased me, he became very emotionally attached and it scared the hell out of him. It was as if he was sabotaging the relationship in the end. Instead of me being dependant on him for a fantastic future, he kept questioning me. "Are you the type of girl who can do this with me? That? etc" I felt like everything I was doing was being ignored, he was trying to make sure I neer put one foot out of line incase it messed up his plans. I was a good girlfriend and he took everything I did for granted, didn't do a tap for our relationship, and criticised and questioned my integrity constantly. He had nothing to worry about, I wasn't going to hurt him. Some people are their own worst enemy. They want something, and when they finally have it, they ruin it by being controlling and possessive. You don't keep me by treating me like crap basically.

 

 

Could he have changed the outcome if he didn't expect you to beg? Or have you been set on leaving him behind? And how would he know all of this?

 

Hopefully the OP can learn from this also...

 

He might have been able to change it for a few weeks, but ultimately he has not come forward a changed man, so we would have broken up either way. I wanted to sit and explain what he had been doing to me, but because he has shown that he NEVER listens, and he TWISTS everything you say to him, I felt there was no point. If I was to sit and try and talk through a problem, or if he had just insukted me for example, I would calmly try and talk through it. He would scold me for "patronising" him. If I got frustrated and shouted at him, he would threaten to dump me. I had no way of expressing myself. I was dangling on a thread, constantly threatened with being cut off/ dumped, so I knew I had to be on my best behaviour at all times. That means no answering back, taking the insults, staying quiet and accepting that thats him, he's in charge. In the end the threat of being dumped was just torture so I thought, sod it! Being on my own cannot be as hard as being with him, I can't go on like this another second.

 

When we split I told him I was going to write him a letter to explain everything, but he said it wasn't a good idea. I sat down and wrote it anyway, but I became so over cautious about HOW I wrote it, and how he would read it, (he'll twist this part, he'll blame me for that etc), he wanted me to take the blame and let him punish me for the rest of our livesI honestly believe if I had chased, begged and pleaded, he would have tried again. His ex's have been violent with him and possessive, and he always yo-yoed with them. That is his idea of getting back on track. I would be waiting for him to forgive me for standing up for myself for the rest of my life, and I can't live that way.... Being treated like crap and him expecting me to adore him for it! No thanks! I put a higher value on myself than that.

[thejigsup]

In my case, going NC has brought the guy calling me and asking me back about 70% of the time. I don't know if it was NC that brought them back, or they just realized they made a mistake. I only took about 10% of these guys back because that was what I wanted to do. If I don't want to, I don't. I think you can drive someone away by contacting them (I sometimes feel they are weak and needy, Yuck!), but NC is mostly for you. If you respect yourself, they'll often come sniffing around and then the ball is in your court. It's fun!

[isoc]

im not sure on NC. I can see it works somtimes but the people i have seen go through it they stopped speaking and none of their ex's came back and they havnt heard from them since.

 

Thats why im struggling so much because my ex dumped me and she was the one who went NC on me!!! so i havnt spoke to her since. She even blocked me on facebook, put my friends on limited profiles. Thats so they cant see what shes doing etc.

 

To be honest even if she was missing me which i can pretty much make out she isnt, she couldnt eat humble pie shes too hard nosed she wouldnt contact me and i think she prob thinks i hate her and if she contacted me i would through it back in her face.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

You're analysing.

 

I thought that about my ex and I was wrong. He doesn't hate me at all.

[Mustang]

I'm in a tricky position. It's been seven months since me and my ex split. I went NC for five weeks or so in April. Before that point I was trying to win my ex back. I was always asking her if she wanted to meet up sometime and what not. In the end, I took a step back and worked on myself. Do I still want my ex back? Yes. But unlike before, I am not trying to win her back. It will happen if it happens. I am not hanging around waiting for her.

 

We're in LC now. We don't really talk in depth. It's just usual catch up sort of stuff. She has mentioned to me that she still thinks of me but that "circumstances changed". Which they did. I'm working on myself now and just living life. Part of me thinks that going NC now will not make any difference. If anything, I think after such a long time, it will just push us further apart.

 

Whilst people will tell me to go NC and stick to it, I don't feel the need to punish my ex. Plus after this amount of time, it will look weak if I go NC again. It will be like saying "I'm still not over you" to my ex and it'll look like a tactic. I don't want to play games anymore. I want to keep the door open for possible reconciliation. Going NC in my case will just make us forget each other. That said, I have to get the balance right obviously. I have learnt to live with the fact that she's with someone else. I don't know if she is or not but I have made my peace with it either way.