How do I keep the father from my children?

[Overburdened]

He's a loser as well as an abusive alcoholic pathological liar who will smoke and drink in front of them and cuss when I'm not there to see it. He will bring skanks home from bars. I am afraid of divorce court because he will probably get visitation. I have a court date next month and two child support cases to finish, but I'd really like to hit the road before he actually gets me into court for a divorce. I have family in other states that might help. Maybe they will never find me.... ahhhh what a wonderful daydream I'm having...

 

And, NO. I don't feel bad about that. My kids will be MUCH better off with no daddy. Sad as it sounds... he is a con-man.

 

And... he manipulated me into this marriage because he's a wonderful ACTOR. Broken promises...

[Mythical_Suicide]

Running with the kids will only make you look worse. If he is such a bad person take as much proof into court as you possibly can. If he pays child support he will get visitation with them unless you can prove he's unfit.

[thejigsup]

If you can prove your allegations, he will have only monitored visitation for awhile. After a little bit of time, he will once again have his full visitation. Sometimes we have to be very careful of who we have children with. The courts seldom, if ever, deny total visitation to anyone.

[just M.E.]

I agree with the above posters, and if he is all you say, he will lose interest in spending much time with his children. BUT, he is the father, so to deny visitation, you would have to prove it is harmful to the children.

 

Sadly smoking and drinking and cussing and skanks aren't always enough. I know some wonderful people who grew up in some pretty rough homes. As mother, you can give your children values that will allow them to see their father's actions as bad behavior and also build character within. Don't get caught in trying to turn them against him, his actions will most likely do that on its own.

[ImThatGirl]

Do you have an attorney?

 

I'd suggest that during your divorce / child visitation / support meetings, you make it known that you are concerned about them visiting and request supervised visitation.

 

Do not move out of state without the approval of an attorney or judge.

 

How old are your children? How long have you been married? How many police reports were ever made or needed? What proof do you have that he is "unfit?"

 

I'd also like to note that visitation and child support are completely separate issues.

Not paying child support does not equal no visitation.

[crazyaboutcats]

I agree with the above responses - whatever you do, don't take off to another state, you need to confront this. Remember that your children will grow up and decide for themselves what their father is about. you can instill in them strong values and a strong sense of self worth and in the meantime, get a lawyer who can advise you about what you can realistically do about visitation.

[Mythical_Suicide]

 

I'd also like to note that visitation and child support are completely separate issues.

Not paying child support does not equal no visitation.

 

Tell that to the judges here where I live and they would completely disagree. I have the right to deny my sons father visitation if he doesn't uphold his financial responsibilities.

[Hezzie]

If you take off. You're kidnapping due to the fact custody has not been established in the court of law, You can be arrested and lose custody. In very few states is it allowed.

 

Restraining order.

 

One - Record all phone calls - Whether you record it by using a tape recorder. Or writing down the time of the call, the date, what the call was about in a notebook.

 

Two - Witnesses - Do you have any friends/ Family that have been around during these periods of time that can testify that he's been unfit?

 

Three - Damages - If he's been damaging any property of your house/apartment /car ect.. Take pictures of the damages, use a tennis ball for the holes. ect...

 

Four - Phone Calls - Any harassing, threatening phone calls. Immediately report to the police, although they can't arrest him they can however file a domestic complaint.

 

By doing all of those steps you'll then need to go down to the court house to get an emergency temporary 72 hour restraining order , after you're granted that then you need to file for a more permanent one. It can take a few weeks for the case itself. But the majority of the time if you believe there's a physical threat to your or the children. You can be granted one. Making the divorce and custody much simpler.

 

And don't forget when it comes to custody. You CAN ask the judge for supervised visitation, It's set up through the state through social services.

If he misses an appointment, if his behavior is unacceptable. They will revoke all visitation. So you're going to want to file for a restraining order, supervised visitation and full custody.

 

It takes a while but it can be done.

 

I did it. We separated in August, Had a restraining order placed on him for an entire year in OCT. First custody date was January 4th, won temporary full custody. May second, granted full custody..Final order..He sees the kids if I want him too.

 

Now I'm just waiting for the child support case

[Overburdened]

Ut oh.

 

This man is a master manipulator. hezzie...

 

There have been three times when the police were called while we were together.

 

1: I was calling him a cheater and a liar and he got tired of hearing it and pushed me onto the floor and choked me with his forearm until I screamed for help. Meanwhile, he was saying "You're gonna act right--you hear me!" I was crying and scared. He tried to keep me from leaving but I managed to get out the door. I went to a payphone and called the cops. He was arrested for assult. He told the cops that he simply "pushed me off of him." After I found out that he couldn't come back home for 60 days after that, I had to drop the charges (STUPID) so that he could come home and take care of his dog and the bills. I had intended on leaving him, but for some stupid reason, I stayed and things seemed to get better...

 

2: One night, I was sitting on the edge of the bed and he had been calling me names. When I started crying, he made fun of me and mocked me. I told him he made me want to jump off a bridge. I was so frustrated. I really had no place to live other than with him. I wouldnt feel comfortable at a shelter. I had my own place before, but when I was pregnant, I moved in with him. Well, I decided that night that I was going to be a b*tch to him until he changed. The next day, we fought all day. I blew up and started yelling about the house because he simply didn't have a heart anymore. He turned into a monster. I was yelling at him and he grabbed me by my coat and yanked me around the room and threw me on the floor in front of our baby and she started balling. Then, I left and he thought I was going to call the cops again, so he called them first. When they got there, he told them I had been threatening suicide all weekend (LIE). They told me to leave until the next morning before he went to work. When I got back, he absolutely could not have cared less where I had been. He was laughing at the t.v. and everything. He had told the cops he wanted me gone. So, when he got home, I asked him if he had anything to say. He said "no." So, I started packing my things. Then, he came into the room saying "my aunt died today" (this is an aunt I have never met and lived in wisconson) and I was overflowing with anger and I said "why are you telling me this??" He blamed me for being careless and left for the bar. I stayed the night at my brother's. The next day, I went back to ask him to help me get the crib apart and he was really hung over. He smelled weird. Then, he started crying about me taking his babies and wah wah wah. Well, my brother's house was no home for us, so I went back. (stupid) When I asked him to hold our daughter while I got my stuff out of the car, he sat there bouncing her up and down on his lap sweet talking her and baby talking. I stood there watching him and his ego seemed to swell up and fill the room and he had the attitude as if he had gotten away with getting laid the night before. I said "look at you... all hungover." He said "what? you've never been hung over before?" wow... I'm rambling.

 

3: After two years of being together, he confessed to three things. 1. giving me a disease and blaming me for it. 2. having another woman call me on the phone and lie to me about who she was and why she had called his phone. 3. a woman kissed him at the bar in the beginning of our relationship. The night he told me #3 had me fired up. I went out and had a few drinks and a shot of grey goose. When I went back home, I started tearing up papers and things and throwing things around the house. I lost my temper and I was wrong. He chased me out the back door and locked me out. I kicked the back door and broke the lock. Then, I jumped the fence and hurt my leg. I sat in between some houses down the street and next thing I know, a cop finds me. Says I jumped my husband and destroyed property. (LIE) I didn't touch him. Well, I got out of going to jail because I got a ride out of there.

 

Since I've left him, I've made several phone calls to him telling him to tell me the truth, asking him why he ruined our lives, telling him I couldnt handle what was going on, crying hysterically, and telling him the kids were miserable. I also told him I wanted him to die because he thought it was all amusing. I told him if he tried to see the kids, he would only cause more pain. Well, he was apparently recording all of my calls. So, I have nothing basically, and he has been adding to the pile. He's been through a nasty divorce before and he knows how to manipulate. His ex hated him so bad, she would call him a piece of sh*t every time he picked his son up for visits. (this woman is a professional business woman) She's lucky...visitation's over for her...and the kid doesnt even talk to his dad anymore.

 

The only thing I can say to the judge is what I saw every day. I'm afraid it won't be enough. Even if he goes to the bar 5 nights out of the week...

I saw a video of him and his ex during christmas when he had his visitation and his kid was a baby and him and his ex were smoking right next to the kid. I wish I would have gotten a copy. I tried to email his other son's mom, but she accused me of trying to gain info....

 

I can't reach any other exes of his and I don't know what else I can do....

 

He's making my life a living hell.

 

Ohh, and he "forgot" to tell me about the woman kissing him. He just "didn't think of it." Just like he "forgot" to tell me he was doing cocaine... and he had an std.... he will never actually admit to cheating. He'll just give me innuendos.

 

He called and wanted to see his kids for father's day after having his sex buddy over the night before. He acts like he's so cool. How could he possibly have a heart for his kids when all he cares about is himself.... and this is less than three weeks of me being gone and we are still technically married.... the b*stard has it made.

 

P.S. I type fast.

[Overburdened]

Yeah, I know ~I picked a real winner huh. Why did I have to be attracted to the a-holes?

[Hezzie]

You actually don't truly need "evidence" to get a restraining order, that's mainly for your benefit for a divorce. Most of the time you'll just be required to write down WHY you want the order, you'll sit down and talk to someone.

And with the phone calls being on record at the police station and filed as domestic complaints that's actually a part of your evidence for the judge.

 

But one thing they don't want to hear is "I love him" "but..." or " I don't know" If you say those things, they'll basically throw the case out because they think it's stupid. They don't want you in there once begging for these orders..then coming back for them again because you love him and decided to give it another go around.

 

They can't deny you the emergency order, it's for 72 hours, no phone calls no visits can't be anywhere you are. they may or may not grant the full year/two year restraining order. But once it's in place YOU can't break it, don't call him, don't call his family, don't go places you know where he's going to be.

 

If he calls you or even stands outside your place, he's breaking the order and will be arrested. whether or not they hold him in jail is a different story but it really is the first steps of making it happen. you just have to stick to it.

 

doesn't matter how much you love him or hope he'll change. the real question is what type of statistic do you want to be? In these situations with men like him, you're making yourself a statistic, and so far it's not gonna be the kind that survives. They only get worse from this point on, never better.

 

start with an emergency restraining order and work from there.

[Hezzie]

Yeah, I know ~I picked a real winner huh. Why did I have to be attracted to the a-holes?

 

Honey we all get attracted to the A-holes. the real problem isn't dating the a-holes it's getting out of a relationship with them..some of them actually DO manage to change

 

I know so many women who choose to stay in relationships that are un-healthy because they love him or are afraid of him..

 

my husband threatened to kill me..that didn't make me stay with him lol..that got a bolt thrown on the door and the restraining order put in place..one solid year baby lol.

[Overburdened]

My husband threatened to bury me, too. He said it would be worth sitting in prison for the rest of his life knowing that I would not affect my kids. Of all the fighting we did, it was because he was lying about everything and our kids were there to see it happen. In his mind, I damaged the kids because I started fights. All I did was try to communicate with him, and he would get angry and blow up, telling me I didn't like his answers, I was starting fights at bedtime, and setting the mood for the whole house. The problem was, he would never talk. He would cut me off every time I tried. He always tried to escape and that's why he used nagging as an excuse to go get waisted. He told me going to work was like his sanctuary. He just couldn't hide his lies anymore. His cover was blown. I was miserable because of him and he would always come home smiling and laughing as if everything was peachy.

 

I tried to get a restraining order on an ex of mine who was stalking me and trying to molest my son. You want to know what? The judge laughed at me. The guy was outside my window with a brick in his hand, but since he had never physically punched me or anything, the judge couldn't consider it powerful enough. This guy was a complete threat and even poured lotion into my fishtank when I wasn't looking and blamed it on my son.

 

 

Anyway, my husband has only called me once and that was because he wanted to see the kids. He is leaving me alone for the most part. He is just theatening me to get custody. He knows he is wrong and that's why he is trying to gather proof wherever he can and he is using my pain to say that I am mentally unstable. He abuses me mentally and when I lose my mind, he tells me I need to be in a mental institution.

 

I never deserved this.

 

I just can't imagine seeing his face every other weekend. He caused so much pain throughout his life and now he thinks he's going to drag it out and use the kids to hurt me more. He never wanted these kids for any other reason that to "knock a young b*tch up a couple times." He asked me to have an abortion with my son and said he wanted nothing to do with us. ..but because it "hurt too much" for him. He acts like he has a heart and he is as cold as ice. He didn't even meet his son until his son was 1 yr old.

[ImThatGirl]

Tell that to the judges here where I live and they would completely disagree. I have the right to deny my sons father visitation if he doesn't uphold his financial responsibilities.

 

Interesting! Here, they say very clearly - the two don't go hand in hand.

 

Different states different laws.