Inner Demons

[simply complicated]

I named the title inner demons, because I feel I must have them. Everytime I try to better my life, I somehow find a way to screw it up.

I've been in pointless debt for five years, and have worked the same crap job which I hate, for the past five years.

 

I say my debt is pointless because I have no house or car to pay for, just rent and credit cards. No matter what happens there is something inside my head that won't let me move forward in life, I wanna go back to school, so I start taking home courses, no later than a month do I give up on that, I never finished high school.

 

I try to pay off debt, I get back into playing poker, I make 8,000 in a week, that still does'nt get me outta debt, so I roll up the stakes and lose it all, plus some.

 

This is why i'll never meet a good girl, if I did, I would scare her away, I can't love someone else if I hate my own life. I keep losing and losing and theres nothing I can do about it, believe me, I have aspirations, and have dropped everything to persue them, but something inside of me just blocks it, and makes me wanna keep failing.

 

Don't know what to do, theres not much point to this, just venting about my repeated mistakes over the past five years. can anyone relate?

[JimmerJammer]

Hey man I like the name of the title because it rings pretty true. A lot of the time in life we are where we are by choice. Some may want to dispute that and sure there are exceptions, but the exceptions can also be swayed in that how hard is that person truly trying? So again begs the question, what causes us to put ourselves in a situation where we are choosing to harm ourselves and possibly others.

 

I've been here before and I fought at it for so long that I feel only now am I really getting a handle on things. I have a job that has helped me to pay off some debt already, but I asked myself "why am I carrying this debt?" because when I work the minimum amount of hours I need to, to get by. That doesn't help me because if I worked more I would pay it off much sooner.

 

As it stands I have aim to finish paying off mostly all my debt by the end of next month. I had a credit card I racked up the first time I got one and that ended up being 1000. I had a car loan which was another 7000. So I had been paying off about 8000 worth of debt and interest and other crap when I was living on my own for about 5 years. It wasn't until very very recently did I decide to get that part handled and am well in line to reach that goal of paying off my debt. It in turn saves me more money because of the potential interest I would have been paying had I drawn it out.

 

So the point being that man I don't know how many times in life I would start something only to fail in the end. Let myself down, let my friends down, let my parents down, loved ones. I didn't understand how it was ME that contributed to it as well. Quite often because of how I was responding to these situations or callings of my needing to decide, I for the most part took a stance of feeling almost entitled with my basis. I remember that I really hated having these desires and dreams for myself, but being frustrated with not getting there. I would start something and slowly not find the energy to continue on and would eventually give up altogether or push myself to the point of hurting myself.

 

There was countless times where how I was behaving or acting or reacting was based on impulse and being controlled by emotions rather than being decided by me. The thing about this is that it felt very real to me. Getting up the next day feeling so drained it was like I didn't sleep at all IS hindering. So these things I experienced and felt I didn't feel were made up and yet were contributing to my, shall I say, lack of progress. There was some missing components though, I had not understood how it was up to me to be responsible for me. A lot of the things I was doing I played a somewhat victim role, counting on others almost to provide me with what I wasn't getting out of life or that it wasn't by my choice I was where I was. Like a poor me attitude of it's the world out to get me or I just have bad luck or whatever reason I could think of for why it wasn't by my choosing.

 

The thing is though is that it's not our choice to have someone die on us, it's not our choice to wake up miserable, it's not our choice that the other person we're meeting shows up late, it's not our choice someone is dishonest, it's not our choice to have someone break into our house or steal something of value to us. These things are very real and they happen to most or if not some of the population at some point. Yet our response COULD be that of feeling like "oh why me, god I hate my life!" or COULD be "OMG!! what the heck! I want to inflict pain on whoever did this to me!" or COULD be "Ok was there anything in my car I need to worry about aside from having it stolen. Uhh this sucks this happened to me, but it doesn't help to sit here and whine over it. That will feel too much like wanting to hold onto the loss I've incurred." or whatever other response one could come up with in those situations.

 

The choice then in which one we choose determines whether or not it's a win/win choice or a win/lose choice. Thank John Nash for that It more or less asks you whether you are winning and the other person is losing or if you're losing and the other person is winning. Or just are you winning anything from this choice or losing anything? Loss could be a feeling of good emotion, so you feel upset or angry at the situation by feeling that loss. Winning something might be winning through feeling better about what has happened because you did something about it or you handled it in a way that was providing positive progress of some sort into your life. It's as simple as the choice between feeling sorry for yourself, but not doing something about whatever it is that is bugging you or the choice of taking responsibility and sucking it up to do whatever is required of you in that situation to better your life or be more in line with what you want.

 

This is a mere start in how you go about being true to yourself. Otherwise you may feel yourself not liking your life very much, having the job you don't want, having the life you don't enjoy, not being happy at all really or just plain feel like something inside you is saying I hate this. Whatever it is you hate is really your inner self saying that something in your life isn't going the way you want or you're not being true to yourself. That's why you'll find yourself having less success when you're not being true and getting more out of life when you are. Women most of the time will pretty much demand this of you even if they don't say what it is they're asking of you. Then again it's in the sense that the women who say this are right in that it shouldn't be up to them to define that for you or tell you, it SHOULD be nature to you. Some are nice enough to look past this and pick up the slack lol and other women simply will not stick around with a guy like that.

 

It's why you can't really avoid not doing this for yourself or you will find yourself in a pretty unhealthy lifestyle or where you're unhappy. As well you owe it to women and others in your life, but you especially owe it to yourself to make healthy choices pretty well continually.

 

hope that makes sense.

[simply complicated]

Well said, I appreciate you taking the time to write that, it makes perfect sense, believe me, I've said these things before to others in my situation, it's time I took my own advice, and yours.

 

Thanks again.

[just M.E.]

I read your post quickly and please, don't think I am trying to be trite.

 

There are two ways to go about this, I often still struggle with this myself, doing the self-defeating things in life.

 

One can either exorcise one's demons or ...

 

exercise one's demons.

 

Seems I have spent too much of my life allowing the second to happen. I know self-discipline may seem over rated, but it really what saves us from this. Once you start to conquer these actions, self esteem builds, it becomes the true opposite of the vicious circle.

 

Baby steps, but no matter how you do this, you have to be your own policeman in this process.

[caliber119]

I think you should move. It will feel like a fresh start.

[Portage]

Tough love and baby-steps. And when you do falter DON'T sabotage it further. Self-talk can be beneficial, however, you only have YOU to count on.

 

Respect yourself and you will succeed.

[simply complicated]

I think you should move. It will feel like a fresh start.

 

 

I was actually thinking about doing that, seems like there are hardly any opportunities in this city anyway. A fresh start is always a good thing.

[caliber119]

try to come to Texas. it will change your life, and the living expenses here are usually way less than anywhere around U.S. and I'd assume Canada.

[simply complicated]

I read your post quickly and please, don't think I am trying to be trite.

 

There are two ways to go about this, I often still struggle with this myself, doing the self-defeating things in life.

 

One can either exorcise one's demons or ...

 

exercise one's demons.

 

Seems I have spent too much of my life allowing the second to happen. I know self-discipline may seem over rated, but it really what saves us from this. Once you start to conquer these actions, self esteem builds, it becomes the true opposite of the vicious circle.

 

Baby steps, but no matter how you do this, you have to be your own policeman in this process.

 

 

Your definitely right about self discipline, my problem is, I want everything yesterday, always looking for the quick way to success, because I screwed up so badly in the past, i'm paying for it now, and the thought of taking a few years to get it right, is mind numbing.

[simply complicated]

Tough love and baby-steps. And when you do falter DON'T sabotage it further. Self-talk can be beneficial, however, you only have YOU to count on.

 

Respect yourself and you will succeed.

 

 

I figure, I will only respect myself, once i've succeeded, that could be a problem, but I can't help it. My other problem is motivation, I don't seem to have any at this point, I've never been given any direction, my only motivation was women, I love women, and when I have one, I will stop at nothing to better myself to make myself happy, so I could make that woman happy. But I've become so jaded, I can bitter and defensive, I guess thats my way of protecting myself from getting hurt, because I know i'm failing, and don't want a person I care about to leave me for that reason.

[simply complicated]

try to come to Texas. it will change your life, and the living expenses here are usually way less than anywhere around U.S. and I'd assume Canada.

 

 

Texas? i'm trying to get away from texas hold'em, think it will be the wrong place for me..lol..

[caliber119]

I'm tellin you man, Texas is nice, San Antonio is a very chill, there's alot of good people here and you can get rent cheap. Also Austin is excellent. and San Marcos, Texas State University is a great school with cheap tuition. Also you can take CLEP exams and get alot of college credit without taking the classes, hell you could start school a sophmore

[just M.E.]

Pick one thing you know you can change tomorrow, it doesn't have to be big. Just one thing.

 

Write it down, make sure it is something you know you can conquer. Change it.

 

Do the way you want changed for a week, 2 weeks.

 

Now pick something else, again, not big. Same deal. Do it.

 

These become the foundations of new habits. Don't say you can't, that is self defeating. Say you can.

 

Or come to Colorado and I'll work you a$$ cleaning stalls, mucking manure, loading hay and you will be desperate to go home and do the little things you don't want to do now.

 

Sometimes, it is a matter of perspective. Mostly initiating action builds self esteem and self respect, but you have to do it for yourself. Moving is a great jump start, but in the end, if you don't conquer this, it will follow you.

[simply complicated]

Pick one thing you know you can change tomorrow, it doesn't have to be big. Just one thing.

 

Write it down, make sure it is something you know you can conquer. Change it.

 

Do the way you want changed for a week, 2 weeks.

 

Now pick something else, again, not big. Same deal. Do it.

 

These become the foundations of new habits. Don't say you can't, that is self defeating. Say you can.

 

Or come to Colorado and I'll work you a$$ cleaning stalls, mucking manure, loading hay and you will be desperate to go home and do the little things you don't want to do now.

 

Sometimes, it is a matter of perspective. Mostly initiating action builds self esteem and self respect, but you have to do it for yourself. Moving is a great jump start, but in the end, if you don't conquer this, it will follow you.

 

I'm definitely in need of change, a matter of harsh perspective is in order, I remember when I was forced to move out of my house a few years ago, It was a rude awakening, but something I needed to experience. I learned alot from it, but once I moved back, I carried that strict positive mentality for a little while, but it was replaced with a more carefree not giving a crap mentality.

Slowly making small changes is a great way to replace negative habits with positive ones, I just need to get the idea that I can be successful overnight. Thats the problem with gambling, you can make more money in one night then you could working for six months, but you could easily lose it to. Once I rid myself of that mentality, I know I can replace my negativity with positivity.

[drewciouS281]

i used to feel this way man but i realized its in controll of our own mind. You keep thinking in the back of your head failure, you will continue too. It took me a long time to finally brainwash my brain that when crap happenes i face it with a smile and say BRING IT * * * * * ! I big bill shows up or something tragic happens i look at it as positively as i can. walk with head high and self esteem high. Mental control!