Dumped after 4 1/2 years

[Lynn07]

7 weeks ago, my boyfriend and best friend of over 4 years broke up with me. This break up felt almost out of the blue to me. One month before the break up, we had a discussion in which he told me that he felt like after four years of dating someone he should feel absolutely positive that we would get married, and he didn’t. The fact that he had some doubts really scared him. We talked this out, and I said that four years of dating when you start at age 18 is quite different from 4 years later on b/c both people change so much during that time. I thought that our discussion went well, and I know that he said he felt relieved that he had talked to me. However, during this talk he did say that on his way over, he thought that we would maybe be breaking up, which did not end up happening. This comment of his clearly made me feel quite uneasy, and so that is the only reason why this break up was not 100% out of the blue. As far as reasons for the breakup, we had three main talks, and I learned a little more each time about his feelings, but still feel pretty confused. At first, he just said that he felt unhappy in the relationship, that it sometimes felt like a burden, that he didn’t want to be in a relationship right now. When I asked him, he couldn’t think of any specific things to tell me about what he was unhappy about, what about our relationship, me, etc. This was quite hard to accept, as I really had no idea what he was thinking. It was a week later that I talked to him again. This time he was able to tell me a little bit more how he was feeling. He said that he wasn’t sure if it was b/c we are at somewhat different stages right now (I just graduated college, have a full-time teaching job starting in Aug., and he has one more year of school) or not, but being in the relationship was making him feel trapped and that his life was narrowing. He said that he didn’t feel like he knew himself very well as an independent young person outside of a relationship. He said that he thought it would be good for both of us to live independent from each other, and that I was going to become so strong through this. He said he thought I was somewhat dependent upon him. When I asked him if this was more of a (1) "you and lynn do not work together" break-up or (2) timing/phase for mike break-up, he didn’t really know, but answered with things that make me think it’s more of timing issues he is going thru. He said that as far as the future and us, he just doesn’t know. He pretty much left it that if we are meant to be together, then sometime in the future we will get back together. He said that at one point he remembers thinking to himself, “I wish you and I would have met at age 22 instead of 18.”….I’m not sure what to take from that statement, maybe that he thinks we need time to grow as individuals?

 

Within the last year, I had decided that he was the person I wanted to marry, and so this loss bares a great deal of loss on my entire life. Because of our young age we had never discussed marriage much, but I had begun envisioning my future with him, and it brought me so much happiness and anticipation. Those great feelings for the future have now been replaced with dread and hopelessness.

I feel like I have also lost my faith in people. While I still have a faith in God, I don’t have much faith or interest in people, which is so, so sad.

 

One of the most difficult aspects has been that I have not spoken with him for over 4 weeks now. The fact that he does not contact me makes me so incredibly hurt, and I wonder how his heart is working right now. I do not know how he could absolutely grind up my heart to pieces, rip each and every one out, and then leave them all on the side of the road, without even checking back to see if I’m ok. That is what I feel he has done, and I am someone he claims to care so much about. I just don’t understand it. It makes me really question how strong of a relationship we had, or if I was just being naive and believing in my head that we were so close to each other.

 

I guess I am just looking for advice/support, anything that may help me see some light at the end of this dark tunnel right now.

[odile]

Well, it is a pretty big change. I hate to resort to cliche, but you are still very young, and I think you hit the nail on the head when you say "maybe that he thinks we need time to grow as individuals".

 

You've got a lot going for you. Marriage is a big commitment, and if he's having doubts, taking a step back makes more sense than jumping in. Give yourself time to adjust, but have faith that things will work out as they should, even if it's hard to imagine what that outcome might be.

[bellanicola003]

Hi Lynn,

 

What you're going through hurts very deeply - I think we can all attest to that. The one thing that I didn't hear you say above is whether or not he said that he still loves you or not. Did you talk about this?

 

It's amazing how some people become worried and scared when it comes to marriage. You mentioned that you had recently began envisioning your future with him - did you tell him this? Sometimes guys can start to feel pressured when we mention marriage to them. It gets them thinking and then they start questionning everything!!!

 

It could be that you are in a time of your life where you want to settle down and he may sense that and be threatened by it. You said that you just graduated and settling in your life, that's a wonderful thing. It can be very hard to to live without something you love - especially someone you have been with for so long because they become a fixture in your life.

 

You will find that with your faith in God you can do anything. Just keep praying and ask the Lord to guide you in the direction you need to go in (whether you are to be together or not). He will show you!

 

And as far as your ex not calling - guys are different than girls, they keep VERY, VERY BUSY (even if you don't think so). When they do this, they can't think, and when they can't think, they can't hurt. I mean think about this...you don't think that after 4 years he doesn't think about you and miss you?

 

When my fiancee and I broke up for a month we went full NC for that whole time. When we got back together he told me that he missed me soooo much but kept so busy. He said he couldn't eat or sleep at night. He said he would lie awake in his bed and pray to God to help him fall asleep and he just couldn't! I told him it was the Lord working on his mind and in his heart! LOL Here I was thinking he didn't care and it was hurting him more than it was hurting me and I was pretty bad.

 

Just keep your head up! Things will work out as they are meant to be - keep your faith!

 

PS. You don't want someone who questions whether you are the one anyhow...you have a great life ahead of you - you want someone who can't live without you! Hopefully, he will feel this and be back at your doorstep soon...but then, will it be too late?!

[amystar]

Hi Lynn,

 

I feel for you! I had a somewhat similar story. 2 weeks ago, my bf of almost 4 years decided he didn't want to be in a serious relationship anymore. I'm 23 and he's going to be 24 soon. We went through college together. After graduation, he went on to work on a Ph.D and I started working. About a year ago, he completely changed. Started giving me the cold shoulder. When I questioned him, he said I was imagining things, that nothing was wrong. Well, 4 years into our relationship, he said "I love you, but not the way you love me". And then he went on to say that he didn't want to be in a serious relationship.....after 4 years!!!???!!!!

 

So hun, this is my advice: You cannot do anything about this. This isn't you, it's him! I feel your pain, I'm still in it myself. And I, also, feel betrayed and have lost my faith in people, especially men.

 

But you can't let this tear you down, you have to go on. Try to keep yourself busy! Go out and hang out with some friends, do anything to keep your mind off of him. I started reading again myself. I stopped reading throughout the course of our relationship and picked up some of his hobbies. Put away the stuff that reminds you off him. And remember, you don't need a guy to complete you. You are a complete person!

 

Even though it feels like you have a huge hole in your life (I feel like that), that this time and fill that hole with yourself. You have wonderful things ahead of you and you don't need him to define a future for you, you are your own person. And if he realizes what he lost, he will come back to you. If not, it's his loss. But you know what, if he was to come back, think really hard if you want to take him back. I don't think I could take my ex back, I don't think I could live with what he did, I would constantly be questioning my trust towards him, which is something I can't live with. I can't live wondering if the man I love is going to wake up one day and decide he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

 

One day, you fill find somebody that does want to be with you. Hope this helps and HUGS.