Need advice please....

[timetoremember]

Okay, I'll try and keep this short and sweet....I have been married for nearly 7 yrs...over those years I have had several talks with my husband and three times threatened to leave him over his WoW addiction. After those threats, things improved (for awhile) then it was back to the same old thing. Over that time, I have become more and more angry and probably through some fault of my own, have kept it bottled, too scared to ruin the marriage (i've been married before to a guy who cheated on the whole relationship period). And I've suggested counselling during this time as well.

So now, comes the tricky bit. About 3 months ago, I met someone online and we started talking (all the while my husband on the other computer playing WoW), we talked about everything and I helped him out with his problems as well. Then a couple of weeks ago, I met him in person, and we CONNECTED. I was not unfaithful to my husband, (although the temptation was very strong) anyway, to cut a long story short, I told this other guy that I could no longer talk to him, as I had to sort out my marriage, but now GOD I MISS HIM!!!! I told my husband that I had met up with him, and he was very hurt. And now, all of this is on the table, I've told him that I'm having trouble getting those feelings back for him (husband) and he has said that he is sorry that his addiction has ruined us. The thing is now he has stopped playing WoW and said that he wants us to have counselling....and I just don't know if I want to keep the marriage now. Can someone tell me why I'm feeling like this? (I'm pretty sure the other guy doesn't reciprocate my feelings, but it's not even that. This is such a mess!!!

[kevinm]

Calm down. Sounds like you are not being realistic when evaluating the other guy. Frankly, there is only so much you can learn about someone over the computer. This other guy you met with... you are putting him on a pedestal. Slap yourself and wake up to the reality that you are in "fantasy land."

 

That being said, saving, or rather wanting to save your marriage is a different issue. Yes it happens to be going on at the same time as this other guy... and it sounds like that is where the conflict lies. If this other fellow wasn't at all in the picture, would you feel differently about wanting to save your marriage?

 

-Kevin

[timetoremember]

A slap in the face...that's exactly what I need, would I feel the same ? mmm....not sure. I know that i'm sick of being angry all the time about being ignored, and that's what this other guy offered I suppose. So as well as not chatting to him, i'm going to have to close down my "other account" to stop fantasy land right? and I beg to differ with the internet thing though, I think we learn (sometimes) a lot more than meeting people in real life as oppossed to the internet, as we let our guard down more and are free to be more of ourselves. Do I think that he would be a better alternative to my husband? Well, he certainly comes with his own problems as well, several in fact, but i think the real question is, do I keep staying in a marriage if I don't have that connection with my husband, no matter who else I have it with. "what i've seen that can be, I can't unsee it"

[timetoremember]

If I was getting what was lacking in our marriage....I guess I wouldn't have gone looking for it elsewhere.

[Angel_baby]

If I was getting what was lacking in our marriage....I guess I wouldn't have gone looking for it elsewhere.

 

Exactly.

 

But now your husband is getting more serious about fixing what went wrong your marriage. So if he is willing to try to make these changes... Isn't that what you have wanted all along?

 

The other guy in a way is a fantasy. You are tempted by the idea of leaving your marriage to just "get out". Not necessarily for this guy.

 

The other guy isn't perfect even though right now it seems that way. And even you yourself said that you don't think he is interested in you like that.

Take a step back and look at your situation. You are going to throw your marriage and love away for a guy that you felt something for over the internet.

 

My honest opinion is I would give the counseling a try before you ruin something that you might regret later.

 

Your husband is showing you that he truly doesn't want to lose you. I am sure he is well aware of his past mistakes and he wants to make amends to try to save the marriage before it's to late.

 

 

Also I can totally understand the feeling of being ignored. I have been with my husband for 6 years and he plays Halo like it was going to be extinct!

[amber81]

Maybe what you need is time alone... maybe you need to be separated for a while, while your husband fixes his addiction and while you think and feel what you want..... obviously you want something else from what you have now... maybe you need to restart! from 0 with your husband, and for that you need to be separated, alone, away.... if not with him, with somebody else.... but you need time... so don't rush in taking a big decision take your time while you are alone and think about it....

[timetoremember]

Thank you Amber81.....I think that's exactly what I need. It's like other people don't understand that I've been asking for 7 yrs for this being ignored for a computer game to stop and for him to come back to the real world. And now that I've brought it up, everyone is saying "if you truly want your marriage to last then give him a chance" GOD, I've given him so many chances over that time.......but yes, I think time alone is what I need....again, Thankyou Amber81 (you're pretty intuitive for a 27 yr old

[timetoremember]

angel baby...thank you for your reply (although I think you''re contradicting yourself....if you had tried for nearly 7 yrs to try and get his attention...then all of a sudden *he's" ready for it....well, that's all very well and good but now my feeelings have changed...so, now I think it's time to be true to myself and find out what i really need....it may not be the internet guy, it may not be my husband, that's what i need to find out.... and thankyou to amber for pointing it out

[Enigmatika]

The thing is now he has stopped playing WoW and said that he wants us to have counselling....and I just don't know if I want to keep the marriage now.

Sometimes the case of too little, too late.

[Excalibur]

It's pretty simple - he won't be sitting there waiting for you when you come back - you're wanting him to do what you did and sit and wait and beg - while you do your version of WOW.

 

He won't...but that'll be okay - take the time you need to figure out what you want in life, him not being there wen you're done with that won't make any real difference.

[timetoremember]

It's pretty simple - he won't be sitting there waiting for you when you come back - you're wanting him to do what you did and sit and wait and beg - while you do your version of WOW.

 

He won't...but that'll be okay - take the time you need to figure out what you want in life, him not being there wen you're done with that won't make any real difference.

 

OMG!!......this is a perfect repsonse...it's like you perfectly read the situation.... thank you for your response. We have having counselling next week and this finally for the first time in my life I'm going to be honest with myself (sad I know, but sometimes we don't because it hurts others and we swallow it), and with him and try and figure this out but I'm pretty sure it will turn out the way you have predicted.

[Excalibur]

You better get prepared to deal with two separate issues - as two separate issues.

 

You sitting there waiting on attention and to be prioritized is "your issue" - you do that because you believe that is how you should be getting your needs met.

 

When you take the reverse role and go out and be 'independent" while he's going off and doing whatever, with whoever....at some point you're going to sit there in a pool of urine going "but aren't I worth waiting for".

 

The answer is nobody is worth waiting for, time waits for no man, and to the victor goes the spoils.

 

So when you sat there in the chair waiting for prioritization dn attention - that was your way of getting the actions of someone else to meet your needs.

 

When you get up off the chair, get a life going, that is YOUR actions meeting your needs....you will sit back down in the figurative chair...and when you do and you find that you expect people, particularly him, to come running to see what you need and it odesn't happen - you get to dealwith the flip side or the "old you" issues.

 

It's easy to example this way....I very much at one point in my life wanted to own a house. I thought that symbolized maturity, independence, and success. I gotmarried to a guy thinking "marriage means we buy a house" - and that was not necessarily the case. When marriage didn't produce the house, I pressured my parents into providing it because I wanted what it represented...which they did, inappropriately.

I walked around the house after closing marveling at what was "now mine" - while turning around every Saturday and Sunday and spending every waking moment making it spotless or more upgraded..which I greatly resented having to do, that meant alot of sweating in the yard, and spending hours shopping for furnishings and accessories which was not how I wanted to spend my time.

 

I learned alot from that house - about 10 years after getting out of it. Too bad I didn't learn it at the time - so I didn't continue to repeat my mistakes.

[timetoremember]

Yes, but you see, I havent been sitting around waiting for him to pay me attention. I've spent the time bettering myself and getting to know my daughter and now the time has come when I'm quite happy to go it alone. I still care about him, but I'm not sure now if I'm prepared to slot him back into my life now that "he's" ready to join us. (and I've given him several chances over the years) Let's see how the counselling goes.