Next Move

[mandrews1119]

Hello, everyone,

I'm new but certainly not unique. I am over 45, and have been involved with the same wonderful person for the last 15 yrs. We came together as I was going through a divorce, and became friends, and lovers - although I have to say we both feel it was love at first sight. We have had our ups and downs and times apart, and it seems that life just throws curve balls at us. During one of our times apart, I fathered a child with someone I had NO intention of furthering the relationship with. In fact I was set to marry my sweetheart when I found out about the pregnancy. The mother of my son threatened to keep him from me unless I had closer contact other than child support payments, and that plus business obligations dictated that I move to the city she resided in. This, of course devastated my significant other, but after moving, we were able to maintain our relationship, and she and I were making renewed plans to marry. the mother of my son is a vindictive, mean-spirited person and began to call my other half and spread lies and sexual rumors which weren't true. My son is a special needs child and requires a great deal of medical care and attention. His mother has successfully misrepresented my parental duties and concerns enough to cause terrible friction. matters have not been helped by the fact that after 20 yrs. with the same firm, I was downsized and had to move to an area evn closer (physically) to my son's home with his mother. This woman knows I have absolutely NO intention of being anything other than a parent, from the BEGINNING of our affair, but at this point my heartbroken lover has bought into the lies and innuendo and has broken things off. We were in contact but she said the situation is too painful and is afraid that if we were married that I may leave her for my child's mother, which is not the case. I realize my parental concerns caused more of an issue than need be, and now we have not had contact for over a month, which gradually got that way from constant contact. When last I spoke with her, she was stating she was not dating, and that things were too painful for us to communicate right now. I had slipped and called her and she tried to give me a "story about dating" - but maintains contact with my sisters to give me the updates about her mother's failing health, etc. We have had no problem with the " I love you" but life, marriage and future are more than love or wishful thinking. I know I must have "no contact" for who knows how long to allow her to respond - she broke off contact with me, but it isn't easy, especially after my child's mother has (and still does) perpetuate falsehoods and lies. I will be moving back home after several years away, hopefully by springtime, and figure I should give her at least that much time and space to sort out things, clear her head, and hopefully feel we are worth going on and continuing our relationship and getting married. For those of you who ask "how long"- I have nearly 20 yrs. in and would not trade a minute of it, good and bad, and have the future to look forward to. It takes as long as it takes and as long as the two of you are in love, committed and are willing to work at things

[slider]

Wow 20 yrs.! That's a long time. mandrews1119, I'd like to ask you this: Why didn't she move with you? If the two of you are "in love" this is what two people "in love" do! Hello???? I'd say this is a big TRUST issue you got on your hands. Distance makes the head wonder and since you managed to get yourself into trouble before, that's exactly what you need to repair - her trust in you. That's why so many long distance relationships fail. You say, "It takes as long as it takes and as long as the two of you are in love, committed and are willing to work at things". Giving it to you straight, it looks like your girl is none of the above. Why? Because people who are in love, committed and willing to work things out, don't cut off contact with each other.

 

So yeah, I say stay away from all contact and mandrews1119, SHE needs to be the one who initiates the contact when you move back. Let her know when you're moving back through your sisters - NOT YOU. If you initiate the contact, it's a form of begging and begging only makes her less interested. Also, be ready to move on. You should be doing this already - even after so many years. Best of luck.

[Bluebird]

Ok..so your angry coz this woman (mother of ur child) is an inconveniece to ur life? And it has recked everything for you....

Well sorry buddy..but normally if you have a true 'love' you dont spend ur time being with other women...you try and work things out ...you know the drill...flowers, dinners and romance.

And now ur having a sook coz the woman ur slept with got pregnant and is in ur way.

 

Am i missing something here?

 

What about this poor woman who has to bring up a 'special' child all on her own??? Do you think that this is her long child hood dream?? I think she wished things were different too. What about this poor child who has a dad that wishes he wasnt born or that it never happened? You are NOT the only one who is suffering because of this...so stop feeling sorry for urself...coz i definatley dont. Grow up and be a proper parent and stop wishing that it didnt happen...coz guess what...it did.

[mandrews1119]

Dear Bluebird and Slider,

Thanks for the replies. First to you, Bluebird. I did not wish that my son hadn't come into the world, and I am an excellent parent. I am on the school board, and have a very active role in my child's life. I wouldn't have it any other way. I realize that this caused friction between me and my love, but if we are going to make it, we have to be able to work through this fact of life. I would NEVER consider letting his mom raise him alone, even if she and I have no future together.

Slider, I agree that I must back off and let her figure things out. I can only be there for her if she chooses it. I know she has been influenced by friends and family around her, and that is not a situation that can be easily changed until and unless SHE opens her eyes (and heart) at least a little bit.

Myself, I have made changes in my life, counseling, anger mgmt., etc., and have done so over the past several years, this is no 8 week "I'm ready now!" deal. I know that if we ever are able to make it back together, I must be 1000% correct, and I want to, not just for her, but to be a better person no matter what. She has had a plateful of her own, dealing with family issues (mom is gravely ill), and a high-profile job. The added stress of us may be a bit much, especially given all the circumstances. I imagine she is as committed to whatever techniques she feels will help her as I am to those to regain her trust and love. I realize that she must make the decision to try again, and that may take time. I feel we are worth it, so all I can do is give her space, and do more or less as you have wisely stated. If our love is to be, she will feel enough to let me know in some way, she has my numbers. We've been through too much for me to play the angry, childish, jealous role, and with all the time we have together, either there is enough there to rekindle, or not.

Bluebird, you are missing something; your description of me is all wrong. And fyi, things happen in relationships, that's why you try to work them out. Slider, the reason she didn't move is because she couldn't because of job commitments. She is a vested six figure earner and couldn't swing the transfer. We were planning to buy a house and marry (I was moving back home), when the other person started a campaign of lies and bs that caused the rift.(I tried to be honest and tell her I was moving and getting married, and she literally vowed to prevent this!) Oh, I forgot to mention. Before she and I , her last boyfriend had dumped her and married someone else, so I know there are issues there, that is why I must handle things with care - I am not and will not play games with her head. She will either miss "us" enough to care to see the truth, or not. I don't want to give her too much build-up, she can also be a stubborn as a mule!! You are right, if it is meant to be, she, as well as I will start to take the steps needed to get it together. My references to time other than to set the stage are to let folks know that "moving on" and moving away from love are subjective to the people involved. There are folk who break up after weeks, or months, and people who reunite after years, each situation is unique. I tjust seems that there is such a rush to break up and move on these days. Call me old-fashioned, call me a hopless romantic, but I know if we do get things together, it will be better and worth whatever it takes. Love is worth the wait.! thank you both for your candid replies.

[Bluebird]

bluebird again..well after being a little too harsh on u..i want to also congratulate you for being so dedicated to this lady. She must be very special... U just maybe need to show her how special u really are...and give her a taste of how much u love her.

I suggest not talking on the phone or seeing eachother..but i think a letter written from the bottom of ur heart would be fantastic! Tell her that u dont want to rush her...but u just wanted to let her know that she's ur girl and u will love her forever...And really try to say how u feel. And just let her read it and respond either by phone or writing back...coz in the end..love is all that can save u and ur relationship.

 

Goodluck

ps. That was just an idea... (that would send me back in a second..even if my bf had done something really bad)

Take care xoxox

 

ps. Sorry for being mean just felt sorry for this woman with ur child... (im probably too much of a feminist..always sticking up for women?) I dunno...i get very defensive sometimes. *Grrrr*

 

Goodluckkkkkkkkkkkkkk!

[Mar]

Hello, everyone,

[mandrews1119]

Hello Bluebird,

 

Thanks for the reply. I understand your responses totally, like most people, mine is a complicated, twisted mess.! You are also a mind reader.!! I know she is going through some very conflicting feelings, and this also isn't a good time in her life (she just found out her Mom has terminal cancer, ater losing her Dad to cancer several short years ago). She is also being very heavily influenced by family members who are NOT in love with me, and by other members of her religious group who I am sure feel they are being helpful. I had decided on taking your advice about putting it all on paper and then giving her "no contact" space before I read your return post - so when I saw your post it was a mind-blower, a God-send, and some positive affirmation. I think the people in the love obviously know each other best and often it is a mix of communication, expression of love, confession, explanation, logic, and romance that helps determine what form of responses (especially the attempts to reach out ) we try. Yes, she is special, I believe WE are special, and that is part of the reason that she is having a hard time of things, and leaning on people, places and things for support at this time. I'm sure my attempts at logic and love have been quite much. When we talked on the phone, she would break down and cry often questioning her feelings and decision. We've gone through it all, the anger, the reasoning, etc., and I haven't and will not use the shame or guilt methods - we've been together for too long and I have too much love and respect for that. It is the hardest thing I have ever attempted to do in my life, but I must follow your advice to the letter, and the give her all the time and space she needs to think, feel and make up her mind. Some of the usual fears and jealousies I don't feel apply to us simply because of the longevity. I am not happy or comfortable about the state of affairs, but I know she has to do whatever it takes for her to reflect and return, to feel that we are worth the effort and work to make things work, and then there is the reaching out to each other from a newer perspective and place. That I know she is not good at, because she can be headstrong and stubborn (like her Dad! The fact that she messaged me through my sisters lets me know she at this point has a problem with direct contact at this time, so all the more reason for me to back off. I would like her to realize that the major factor driving this relationship is love, not guilt, or anything else. I think she very well knows that I love her and feel that she is special, unique and worth the effort, and unfortunately, also the pain. I think it is more of a question of her regaining confidence and trust about these facts, and to be reassured that if and when we do reunite, that we will be there for the duration. About being honest with herself about our love, and making the decision to live with the on the ground fact that I have a child that isn't hers and mine. I know this can be a big issue ( I have three sisters and try to learn well), but as with all issues, when two people are committed and willing - can be dealt with and worked through. I think when I move, she will feel better and be more reassured of my full intentions. I think she is skeptical and afraid. When she decides to allow me to have more or better contact, I think and hope she will be up to it. Although I am not dating, or trying to circulate, I am honest with anyone who even attempts to enter my life. I politely decline and explain why. I could not be honest and true otherwise. I forgot to mention,- part of her hurt were the vicious verbal, psychological and calculated attacks from my son's mother that went on for a period of months which were attempts to separate us. I guess on some level they worked. That will not change my resolve, and I am confident that our love and the facts of the situation will allow us to reunite. I think she is afraid, and fear brings doubt, and that is a killer in a long distamce love. And you know there are very few people touting my cause to her. I think what we need is to be in the same time/space continium and we will begin to work it out. And the first step for that is to allow her to become strong enough to realize we are still in love enough to try to make it work. It is hard, and I am hurting from all sides, but love makes me confident and gives me strength. Hopefully more sooner than later, she will not continue to hide from her heart, or be influenced by others. Hopefully then she will realize I have been right there with her all the time. Thank you for your kind comments, and I hope the heart and soul letter allows us to move forward on the road to reconciliation, or at least be able to take the first steps, whatever they may be. Once that can be done, we will be fine. And once we can get back to level ground, a wedding won't be more than a heartbeat away. We somehow always seem not to get the timing right. Now I think we are both old enough to let timing go out the window. we've been through so much, if we can make this work, we just need to go ahead and be happy ever after. Take good care.

[Bluebird]

I think u've made the right decision. If she knew u were coming to an advice site because u were hurting so bad without her...she would know that u deeply care. And thats all it is with her. It comes down to her insecurities. And at the moment...shes letting her head run wild. So..if shes an insecure person..it will be a big step for her to take when she gets back with u..because to her...she is opening herself up to be hurt. And to avoid the pain that she 'thinks' she will experience, she has distanced herself. Thats why u have to make her feel secure in ur love.

 

And ofcourse...as a girl...u can never be told enough.

also.. Women are EXTREMELY insecure. Gtg im at work...Merry Christmas...ill post again soon. when i get home. havent finished and im getting yelled at . ARGH