chippero Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 I've been reading a lot of the threads posted on here. I see a lot of loneliness and fear of not finding that special person as time passes by. I am about to turn 40 in September and I found the love of my life last year at 38. Don't give up hope because you never know when that person is right around the corner. I recall from my last relationship that I told a close friend that there was no way I could ever love another person the way that I loved her. Boy was I wrong. However, after years of reading books and trying to find the secrets to a happy and lasting relationship, I found the key to finding the love of my life: finding unconditional love. I do not own stock in this book but I highly recommend it: Real Love by Dr. Greg Baer. Until I understood what real, unconditional love was, I had no idea that I had been seeking something that I was never going to find. I also discovered that everything we see and hear about 'falling in love' is actually the farthest thing from what it really is. Over the years, I tended to fall into the same relationship patterns with the same types of people. After reading this book about 3 times, I realized that no one, nor a relationship, can provide me with the unconditional love and acceptance that I needed to find on my own. Once I learned to tell the truth about myself, I was able to reach out to others who could accept me for who I was. After that, I was able to see people for who they really are, to accept them for who they are (faults and all), and be able to see who was capable of giving and receiving unconditional, true love. It was as if the blinds had been removed from my eyes. Life became a pleasant experience, regardless of whether I was in a relationship or not. And once I found Steph, I realized I had found the right one for me. She also understood what real love is and it has been a storybook since. In October, we will be married. If I could give any advice, it would be to never expect another person to love you. Expectations will always lead to failure and that is conditional love. Also, sex is not love. Sex is a gift that comes after love. There is so much more that I could share but there is simply not enough time and space to do so. I would simply be repeating what the book says. I hope this helps someone on this site to find the real love that all of us truly deserve. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Sounds like a great book! I think many people forget that they are dating human beings and that we are all flawed in some way, shape, or form. You will never find unconditional love because no one person can, or should, love you unconditionally. If a man hits me, I'm gone. If he drinks too much, I'm gone. If he uses illegal drugs, I'm gone. We all have things, hopefully, we would say "NO" to. Love is caring about yourself just as much as you care about your partner. Link to comment
CaptainNapalm Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Alot of people have a misconception that unconditional love is "love where you are accepted for who truly are, nothing hidden, the good, the bad, etc" Although this is true there is another part to unconditional love that people often forget and one that can't be observed until being with someone over a long period of time generally. Unconditional love also means that the person you are with will love you and stick by you no matter what, not just what you are now, but whatever happens to you in the future. Yes, they may love you unconditionally so to speak now exactly the way you are but what happens if you get into an accident and become mentally impaired or severely handicap as a result. If that person loves you and sticks by you in events like that, this is what I would refer to as unconditional love. Link to comment
CaptainNapalm Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Also, adding to my above posted, unconditional love as I described it usually takes a long time to develop not 1-2 years but more like 5-10 or so. As an example, if I'm with someone for a year or two and yes we love each other completely but I get into an accident and loose my mind as a result, chances are that the person who was with me for a year or two will probably move on as I have not been with them long enough to expect a life commitment to a handicap but someone I've been with for say 10-15 years will probably stick by me for life even in an event like this because of the long love past we have together. So I have to say that unconditional love often can be confirmed after a long time of being with someone. Link to comment
Timebandit Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Unconditional love also means that the person you are with will love you and stick by you no matter what, not just what you are now, but whatever happens to you in the future. Yes, they may love you unconditionally so to speak now exactly the way you are but what happens if you get into an accident and become mentally impaired or severely handicap as a result. If that person loves you and sticks by you in events like that, this is what I would refer to as unconditional love. But unconditional love cannot be towards others only (or towards oneself only). You have to take care of yourelf. You can f. ex. love someone unconditionally (as a person) while still protecting yourself against their negative behaviour (if they f. ex. are abusive). Unconditional love towards others without being directed against one-self sounds more like being co-dependent to me. You would drain yourself. Link to comment
Timebandit Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 I am familiar with Greg Baer and his unconditional love as well. While I sometimes feel he oversells his concept there is a lot of truth in it. An important thing is that we often confuse love with "imitation love" such as sex, power and praise, which are just feeding a bottomless hole. Link to comment
SLBG Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Sounds like a great book! I think many people forget that they are dating human beings and that we are all flawed in some way, shape, or form. You will never find unconditional love because no one person can, or should, love you unconditionally. If a man hits me, I'm gone. If he drinks too much, I'm gone. If he uses illegal drugs, I'm gone. We all have things, hopefully, we would say "NO" to. Love is caring about yourself just as much as you care about your partner. Just wanted to say, thats so true... You have to learn to love yourself before you can truly love others... But sadly Its something ive struggled with for the past 8years of my life... I think that loving yourself unconditionally is a start, and then see what happens from there... Link to comment
chippero Posted June 2, 2008 Author Share Posted June 2, 2008 If you do 'learn' what unconditional love really is, and can apply it to your everyday life, you can give it freely without fear of vulnerability. I have applied it to every aspect of my life from parenting, to family, and even to the workplace as a supervisor. The imitation love is, unfortunately, what almost every person on this planet seeks because they honestly believe it is what unconditional, real love is and it is the farthest thing from it. It keeps up in the same relationship patterns and keeps us wondering what we are doing wrong and why our relationships fail over and over. Most importantly, it keeps us feeling empty- even when we are in relationships that 'feel good', we are still seeking something more from it because the foundation is weak. Link to comment
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