I need help. I think I'm ruining it. (text wall)

[auuuuuuuuztin]

Okay, to start off, my girlfriend and I have been dating for coming up on 1 year and 9 months. It has been rough in some spots and smooth in the others. I love her very much and want nothing more than to be with her.

 

We have been having a lot of problems lately involving college. And being separated from each other. I am going to college in Wisconsin, which will be around 1000 miles from her. She has pretty much made up her mind that when I move she will break up with me, because she doesn't believe in LDRs. I can respect that.. in some ways.. But, in other ways I feel like she is just wanting to get rid of me, because if she loves me like she says, she would want to at least try an LDR. But, we have been fighting about this a lot. It gets old and tiring but it's so hard to deal with. She has told me before that she feels resentment towards me because I am leaving and doesn't feel close to me anymore, but wants to try anyways... And lately I have felt like she has been so irritable with me and resentful towards me. Anything I do or say that she remotely doesn't like she is instantly annoyed with me, and doesn't want to be near me anymore. She will just INSTANTLY not talk to me, want to leave, won't let me talk to her or touch her in any way. It hurts me a lot, because I really just want to figure things out and be good with her, but she is always annoyed with me or disgusted by me...

 

Which brings me to the next thing. I am a very affectionate guy. I love spending my time with her, hugging, kissing, and just being with her. And lately she hasn't been affectionate towards me. I feel like I am being over-affectionate and am pushing her away... But, I can't tell if it's me that's doing something different, or her that is stopping being affectionate...

 

I have been to a psychologist a few times and he told me that he thinks I might be looking into my girlfriend too much as a mom figure due to my past. My parents were divorced when I was a baby, and I had always lived with my mom. My mom is the loving, affectionate one towards me and my sister, and my dad is the hard ass, shows no emotions kind of parent. Well, in middle school I moved in with my dad, 1200 miles away from my mom, so I only saw her a few times a year. My psych thinks that the abrupt loss of my mom's presense has kind of made me crave that motherly attention from my girlfriend... which might be pushing her away.

 

I don't know how to stop.

I just like hugging her and being with her.

 

I feel obsessive and controlling and like a psycho.....

I just want things to be right again.

I just want her to want me the same.

 

How do I fix it?

Please help me.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

It sounds like she is all set to break up and is rather different from you anyway..and I have a feeling you'll find someone much better suited to you (and closer, geographically!) at college.

 

LDRs are incredibly hard work. And harder if you're young. And if one person doesn't even WANT one?

 

There isn't any hope here that you'll stay together. The only shot you have is if you agree gracefully to break up, you move on, and IF she misses you she might want to have a LDR...but I really think you're going to have to let this one go.

 

^That was blunt, I know. On a more human level, not just in cold hard facts, I really sympathise with you. There isn't anything you can really do here, just gracefully cut your losses and run. Dragging it out will cost you some dignity.

 

You sound like an intelligent and caring guy and its a near certainty you'll find someone compatible at college.

[auuuuuuuuztin]

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

I am not at all worried about finding someone else at college.

 

It's just that... I want that day to never come. And I want to be with her until it's not physically possible to be with her anymore. They way I look at it, it's going to hurt either way. And I would much rather be forced to not see her anymore, than break up now, while I still have a few months down here.. and have to see her around town.

 

Also, she is the best friend I have ever had, ever. She knows everything about me as do I her. I want to remain lifelong friends with her no matter what happens between us. Even if we don't end up being together after college.. or ever, I want to be able to email her, or call her and go out to lunch with her.

 

She is a truly amazing person, and I have become someone that I never would have if I had not met her. Which is, in my eyes, a good thing. She has opened my eyes to so many things and I love who I have become with her.

 

 

Uuuuuuuuugh... Why do we have to have emotions.

[auuuuuuuuztin]

well...

she informed me last night that she is happier without me.

 

she also said some extremely hateful things to me.

 

So.. it was pretty easy to walk away.

[Bunney]

Hey Austin.

 

It seems that you and Brooke are very very attached to eachother, so that you feel like you don't want to be with anyone else, ever. I know how it is cause I've been in the same kind of relationship when I was your age (16-18 ). Just like in your situation, I felt that he knew everything about me as I knew about him, and I thought I would never ever have that same type of connection with anyone else again and be that close with anyone else.

 

 

I agree with your psychologist, the fact that you are so emtionally dependent on Brooke might stem from the loss of your mom's presense. It was like that for me too in the relationship. Without me noticing, I saw a bit of a father figure in him (always needed affection, attention, love and care all the time) - my parents, just like yours, have been divorced when I was little and ever since I was about 11, I have barely seen my Dad again. So I've been in the same situation as you are right now. But the truth is that this kind of relationship is unhealthy, because it's going to drive the other person away; a relationship should never be mother/son or father/daughter type of relationship, but a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship.

 

I know you and Brooke have been through a lot together and thus are very close and used to eachother. When I look at your relationship, it reminds me a lot of the relationship that I had when I was your age. It was practically the same. So I understand exactly how you feel.

 

 

What I think Brooke is doing right now is growing, maturing and changing. And you know what? You will do the same, sooner or later. It's perfectly normal and natural. You were what, 15 or 16 when you got together, right? That's a long time; you have basically "grown up" with her so it's normal not being able to imagine life without that person.

But as a matter of fact, you are still in the process of developing and maturing as a person, and you will continue doing so until you are 20/early twenties. You will change and Brooke will change (or already has) and you will probably grown apart by then, because what you want/feel/need right now will most likely not be when you are a few years older.

 

You can't force things; let it all take its natural course, and if you both really really want to, you WILL find your way back together. But please please understand that Brooke is NOT the only one for you; you've got a whole life ahead of you, you will meet soo many people and experience soo many different kinds of things, look forward to that! Your world does not revolve around Brooke, you are your own person and you lead your own life, and I promise you, that new college that you're going to attend will be a whole nice, new experience to you and will open the doors to a lot of new things.

 

Give her space - insulting you and saying hateful things to you is pretty disrespectful of her, and I just wouldn't contact her again for a while. Let things cool off. Let her miss you a little. Go out with friends, spend time with your family, just do things that you enjoy - it's summer! Summer is meant to relax, party, traveling, just enjoying life!

 

Wish you all the best, and remember that life's too short to cling to one single person while you could be out being independent and happy - you've only got one shot at it, make something of it

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Damn straight ^!

[auuuuuuuuztin]

Thanks for your feedback and support.

 

Both of you.

 

After a pretty long chat with Bunney I'm coming to realize that I should just give up hope and set in for a long NC.

 

It's hard to accept.

It really is.

But, it's something everyone has to do at some point.

 

And I will be moving soon, starting a new life, and hopefully I can make some new friends, get a dirt bike and move on.

 

Seriously though, Thank you both.