Why?? :( why does making out supposedly ruin friendship??

[gigglyfreedom]

Hey! I'm a girl in college/uni and this is a VERY random and kind of stupid question I have , but its something I cant get my head past because its just so frustrating to me.. .. the times that people just dont seem to be able to talk things through, cause i think that would solve so many issues!.. the QUESTION is....

 

why is it that supposedly (its never happened to me yet but i know its 'out of bounds'), why is it that you risk losing a friend if you make out with him/her?? or like... take things even just a step beyond friendship (not necessarily a relationship - which i can se maybe cann ruin things if deep feelings get in the way)...

 

what is it exactly that changes after two friends have made-out say, or i dont know, had sex (maybe cause they were attracted to each other), that makes the whole thing 'different' afterwards?

 

What is it?? Its so frustrating to me I dont know why, almost hurtful in the sense that Ive occasionally (or actually once) wanted something more with a friend but have been stopped half way there (by them) with this whole ' lets not ruin the friendshiop'. Oh man seriously why wont people be willing to TALK things through??? What are they.. gnna fall in love with u through a kiss??

 

Am i being totally immature? I just want to know what its all about because I personally have no idea. Surely lovers are often one's best and closest friends - sharing intimate moments, i dont know... telling each other things... confiding incredibly!

 

thanks for your help with this one. hoping to hear any comments you may have.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is crossing a boundary and the relationship becomes sexual rather than strictly platonic. Why would you feel the need to kiss and have sexual interactions with them just because they are a friend of the opposite sex? Taking it that one step further can indeed kill the friendship because then it becomes all about sex rather than about being buddies.

[All That Remains]

Because once you become accustomed to being someone's friend, and then they make a move on you out of nowhere, it's incredibly awkward. If it happens, sometimes 1 on 1 time at a later date is awkward if one or more parties is hoping that it doesn't happen again.

 

It's just not something you are supposed to do I suppose.

[i_win]

It's also why generally once you cross that boundary you can't go back. And that's exactly why it ruins that friendship. The boundary gets crossed that once split the line between platonic and intimate relationship and it is not an easy line to jump back and forth because intimacy opens up a whole gammit of emotions and feelings that can't always be taken away and given at will. Our hearts don't work like that.

[Mlost]

Kissing can be an intensely emotional experience, even without you meaning it to be. It's hard to come back down from that to normal friend levels.

[CallingAllAngels]

Because usually, ONE of the two people end up feeling "more than just friends".

 

This is EXACTLY why a "friends with benefits" relationship hardly ever works out. Because one person can view it as "just sex", but the other person's emotions and heart gets involved and they get hurt.

 

Thus the old saying "you can't have your cake and eat it too".

 

If we could, there would be no ENA...

 

My best...

 

~Allie

[android]

I dunno knw if this will answer your question.Wel i believe that friendship issomethig sacred, not religious k... Frienship is more like a bro-sis relationship. The only thing is that the former is subject to change.Its a system and so everyone accepts it that way... Just like if ur my sis, i cant make out with you. Thats the way society accepts it... A friendship is seen as one that includes no sexual or physical liking for the other. At least thats the way the society or most people think it is. so it might be hard for them to see you that way...

 

The same way Friendship is a relation which everyone has, some close, maybe not physical. when it gets physical its more like changed. It becomes wat you call a personal relationship. If all friends were to make out and at least have sex among some of them, we might be calling this friendship something else. If i'm your friend and we're like physically close, i may have another friend nora who i'm close too as well and we're into making out as well. Would u call that a healthy friendship? or dont you think i'm cheating someone? or wouldnt this be a problem for nora if she knows i'm making out with you. Not everyone thinks like you. And so if i tell her that you're just my friend, we're gonna have a problem here.

 

So its basically the system. If we redefine friendship into something like you have mentioned, then me might have to redefine relationships, love and maybe a lot of things.

 

I hope you get me.

[arcadefire]

It's hard to come down from an intimate relationship. That's why after break ups it's incredibly hard to become friends with your ex immediately afterwards before the one who is hurt more is completely over the other.

 

One person would want more while the other doesn't. Rejection hurts.

[Nixee]

What are they.. gnna fall in love with u through a kiss??

 

Stranger things have happened actually....

 

 

 

Surely lovers are often one's best and closest friends - sharing intimate moments, i dont know... telling each other things... confiding incredibly!

 

This is it right here... lovers ARE often best friends and confidants... so it isn't really that the friendship will be lost... it is just that it will be taken to a new and different level, and if both people aren't willing and ready to go to that same level... well... things can get unbalanced and tricky.

 

It can be done without ruining things though... it just takes mature people, and good communication, and a lot of patience and understanding.

 

But what people have said so far is very true... often people "don't want to ruin it" because they know there might be an imbalance in feelings somewhere. If there is no potential for a relationship and it is purely sexual/making out, then you might be putting the more valuable commodity (the friendship) on the line.

[onetimepost]

ok i stumbled accross this site on accident, but your question intrigued me and so I'm gonna see if I can help you understand.

 

ok so a bit over a month ago i started developing feelings for one of my best girl friends, we have been amazing friends for close to 2 years. I found out a week before prom that she had some feelings for me too. So during prom it seemed as if we were both kinda toying with how it might work out for us. Later that night I asked if I could kiss her, cuz I didn't want to ruin anything we had. Well fast forward one month from that and we are still together, although not quite in a relationship we are definitely more than friends (its confusing and only her and I understand it, if that). Basically, I used to think that just a simple kiss wouldn't complicate things, that we could always go back to being friends. At this point we could definitely go back to being friends, probably closer friends than what we were before, but at the same time I can also see how it would be really awkward. If we continue to progress into a relationship, I can't really see how I could lose these feelings for her and go back to just friends. So now we are kinda stuck between relaionship and friendship, which although fun, we are just trying to be very careful with it. So the problem is that basically if there are any feelings, no matter how small between either one of you, then something could come out of it that might in the end ruin a friendship. It mainly depends on the people and the situation.

 

However if you are referring to just a drunk make out session, that I'm pretty sure will not kill your friendship....as long as you are both drunk

[addiemay05]

It's weird but me and my boyfriend started out as friends but every time we start dating something always gets in the way now we have been together for about four months now and I moved last week and he said he still wants to make this work... I believe it can but he never wants to talk on the phone sopposidly he hates the phone... and when he says he will talk to me on myspace he never writes me or he will say on thing and I won't hear from him again.... how do you tell someone that you want to know why they won't have sex with you... we have never had sex and we have all together been with each other for about seven months.... Why is it?

[ghost69]

making out is an intimate act. it's beyond friendship.

[Excalibur]

Because most women willing to make out or have sex are going to at some point "want more" in terms of commitment or involvement.

 

They're not wiling to be random hookups for instant gratification on a mutual agenda.

 

So rather you beginning to view them as a boyfriend, or as a soulmate, or as a "potential" relationship - they'd rather forgo the kissing and hugging and sex - based on what is to follow afterwards. "when are we going to see one another again" or showing up unexpectedly and finding him in mid-grope with someone else and having a fit.

[Nixee]

Because most women willing to make out or have sex are going to at some point "want more" in terms of commitment or involvement.

 

They're not wiling to be random hookups for instant gratification on a mutual agenda.

 

So rather you beginning to view them as a boyfriend, or as a soulmate, or as a "potential" relationship - they'd rather forgo the kissing and hugging and sex - based on what is to follow afterwards. "when are we going to see one another again" or showing up unexpectedly and finding him in mid-grope with someone else and having a fit.

 

While it's true that it often is the women who can get more emotionally attached more easily, this isn't always the case.

 

Occasionally it can go both ways - the woman can be the promiscuous one... willing to be carefree and casual, while the man is ready and wanting to commit to something. Ultimately if the friendship is at risk it will just come down to an imbalance and inability to deal with the consequences - jealousy, patience, an "open" relationship, etc.

[Excalibur]

I wouldn't see the friendship in the long term as being at risk. Obviously if more grattification and enjoyment of sex becomes involved -and that ceases to be an option at some point it is likely the two people would have to ostep back, have less association and contact for awhile.

 

It means one person wants a significant other - the other does not -and the space needs to be given out of the respect of friendship - for the person to find the person they want to date, become attached to and loved by - and make that commitment.

 

But if the friendship is originally founded in mutual respect, admiration, and trust of character, intelligence, and integrity and values - the friendship can resume at the point they have more individually fulfilled lives by personal definitions and stanards.

 

You don't stop being friends - just because you become lovers - unless the only reason you were friends was base physical attraction.

 

If you shre nothing in common once the sex is done.......then yes - the association is over, but it wasn't really a friendship anyway.