Need advice ASAP- Meeting Him Tonight

[pjbouchard]

My last post is in the "Relationship Committment" section entitled "This is a Mess" if you'd like the full background of this story....if not, here is the short background:

 

I've been dating a 33 yr old separated man for 13 months. When the shock of the divorce started, he started going through a depression and 8 months ago we got in a fight and he's pulled away. He's been emotionally unavailable, cancelled plans, distant, not wanting to talk about the future and stopped staying I love you. Ive been supportive and understanding this entire time.

 

Well yesterday we were texting back and forth and he asked me why IVE been distant. I told him that it's cuz our relationship hasnt made any progress in the past 8 months and that for me to be happy in the relationship it needs to start making some kind of baby steps in a positive direction. He said that he understood and wished that he could fulfill my wants and needs and that he couldnt- that we were at a good place at one point before "the fight" and he had trouble recapuring the same feelings he had for me before. He said he KNOWS I love him and that I've changed (The fight was about me being too demanding in the relationship and he was upset that I had discussed our relationship problems with a mutual friend). But that he couldnt change the way he felt and the way his feelings changed.

 

So I decided to end it. I told him that I loved him and that I've literally done everything in my power to show him that and show him that I've changed and learned from my mistakes. But that all I was asking was for him to work on opening back up to me so we could start making baby steps in the relationship. I told him that I'm not happy in a stagnant relationship and that it's just becoming too hurtful and confusing for me to be in one. He replied back that he cares about me deeply and will miss me deeply and that he wishes he could be the boyfriend that I deserve. That I've been so good to him and that he really did try to make us work but couldnt blame me for not wanting to wait forever for him. He said who knows what will happen down the road. I told him that I'm doing this because I'm sick of crying every day wondering why he won't open back up to me and wanting things to go back to the way they were before. He said he understood and that maybe he will come to his senses or straighten out before it's completely too late.

 

 

 

So later that night, he texts me "how was your day off??" WHAT?!?! We proceed to have a friendly conversation and then it leads to him asking me if I want to go out for a beer the next night. I told him no, that I couldn't meet up with him unless he was willing to put more effort into moving us in a positive direction. So he says "I will try to open back up to you, but I dont know if that will help". I asked him what that meant and he explained that it probably wont help since he is still unsure about the relationship. He explained that even though he was over the fight 8 months ago, and knows for a fact that ive changed, his feelings completely changed that night and he still hasnt been able to get them back...so even if he did try to open up, it probably wouldnt happen because he was still unsure about us. He said that he did care about me very much and that he wishes his feelings could change but they havent.

 

So I asked him where this leaves us. He says its a gamble on my part- we could stay together and hope that time heals us- but it's not a guarantee that that will work. I asked him if he would consider couples counseling and he said that he cant do that right now because he's already in counseling- he doesnt want to do both at the same time. My thoughts are that if he hasnt gotten over the fight in 8 months without professional help, he's not going to at all.

 

We are meeting tonight to discuss this. So I can either break it off with him completely citing that if he hasnt gotten over it by now, he's not going to at all (but mention that I'm open to counseling down the road if he's interested.) OR I can continue to stick with it, show him my love, and hope that more time will heal us.

 

I need insight, advice, anything right now......I'm so confused and love this man so much and am feeling so much guilt. I dont know what to do.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I personally think you should back off emotionally, stop talking about it so much, stop stressing about it so much, stop analysing every part of it and just .....

 

....see where it goes.

 

Lighten up about it a bit. Is there any way for you to just hang out with him in a friendly way? WITHOUT discussing your future? WITHOUT discussing a relationship?

[zb84]

Yes, it sounds like you're really pushing too hard and taking everything too hard, especially if it was driving you to tears daily. Try to relax, be natural, and just have some fun.

 

I don't know what to tell you whether you should move on, or try and fix it, but I think if all you focus on is pushing that point forward you're going to have trouble. If it's going to work you need to have some enjoyment and satisfaction from this relationship rather than just grief. Now whether it works in the end or not - I wish I could help. Anyways, there's my two cents.

[tangi39]

He still isn't divorced ?

 

Don't waste your time. Stop being his emotional crutch while he sorts out his marriage.

It is not fair to you.

He man clearly does not know what on earth he wants other than support from you than he is not willing to give you back.

And please get yourself out of being invested in him period, His marriage is his to deal with he should not be involving you at all until he has his life together.

Anything else is just shortchanging everyone concerned.

You yourself stated that you were unhappy and did not want a stagnant relationship- That is all it will be until all his ducks are in a row.

Before you even think of getting back with him- Wait for the final divorce papers.

And even then, if I may be frank- I don't think he is right for you. Why when HE is the one who is married, being selfish, unsupportive, etc are YOU the one who has to keep consistenly "proving " yourself to him ? He sounds extremely needy, possessive, whiny, immature, manipulative and bossy.

You said you want to be sure - You can't be with him. Even assuming all goes well and he gets his life sorted out perfectly (which I personally doubt he is capable of)

I don't think he is going to treat you well or with respect.

I really think all this relationship is going to bring you is more pain, hurt and confusion.

Please, for your own good, get away from this man and never look back.

There are plenty of men out there who have their lives together, who aren't a complete mess in every way, and who are worthy of your care and affection and more importantly-WILL RECIPROCATE. Don't believe his lies and empty promises. This man is a user.

[Excalibur]

Okay - you were the rebound, the relief in the storm of uncertainty and chaos....you keep saying 'if I don't see you making a commitment towards me - you can't have me" - you need to tell YOURSELF and him what that would look/sound/feel/taste/smell like if he were making those steps.

 

You're attempting to evaluate if he is - when you're not sure what to look for.

 

On the other hand, eh's telling you outright honestly - I'm in the throes of divorce and loss and transition, I am not in a position to evaluate if you're waht I want in a partner - because I am still in a partnership that is in the process of death. Until that dies in full - and I re-establish my identity - there's no way this is anything but fun, sex, companionshhip, in the moment enjoyment.

 

You attempting ot read into his actions and words "he wants a relationship" - has you in continued contact. All he wants is contact - it's distraction and relief.