Please help, cannot forgive myself and am very depressed

[Br3ttF4vre04]

Ok, so I'm just going to get straight to the point. I am only 18 but I met this amazing girl about three years ago, we started dating almost instantly. Her and I had become very close, we both live in new york but my mom and the rest of my family besides my dad lived out of state. Eventually, my dad did some very messed up things and I decided to lose contact with him, my girlfriend was with me through every second of it and I developed very bad problems from the whole situation and from my father. I grew extremely dependent on my girlfriend to make me happy, we ended up hanging out every single day. I had times where my depression got too bad and when we fought, I got psychotic in front of her and would hit things, myself, and even cut myself. We got into some very bad fights with each other and both said very hurtful things, this happened often. We both eventually became obsessed with each other and wanted to spend every second of every day with each other, whether we were fighting or not. Her father gave me a job at his business and her parents took me in when I had no where to stay. We both went to the same college and dormed there, but we came back to her house almost every weekend. Throughout the relationship I became very controlling of her, not wanting to talk or flirt with guys or anything, she eventually became the same way; i feel like this is my fault because she was NEVER like that. Once the school year ended, I moved out of her house into my own apartment, I was working for her dad 7-5 monday to friday and 7-1 on saturday. He gave me his old car once he bought a new mustang.

 

Now this is where the problems come in: about two weeks ago it was a while since one of my episodes and I thought that I had it under control. Earlier in that night, I wanted her to leave because we began to fight, she wouldn't leave and eventually I wanted her to stay, that is when she decided to leave. I ran out of my apartment grabbed her, picked her up and took her back in, she pushed me, kicked me, hit me, slap me, and i ended up shoving her back. I then took her phone and took a knife to my chest and told her if she leaves or calls or tells anyone that I will keep cutting myself and will kill myself. Eventually, I let her call my best friend to come over and talk to us about it, we all decided that I needed help and that is when I hit my realization and decided I could not be like that anymore and something is wrong with me. Ever since then, I felt bad for something that I lied to her about for the past year and a half. This is what I lied to her about: I was talking to one of our friends that was a girl when our relationship was shaky, she was not attractive and i was not attracted to her but eventually i asked her to come over to my house and i told her that i would give her a massage; while she was on her way over i realized what i was doing and knocked myself back into reality and realized that i did not mean anything that i was doing or have ever said and that my girlfriend meant wayyy too much to me for me to do something like this, when this girl showed up to my house, i told her this and then we talked about why my girlfriend and I were fighting that day. My girlfriend decided to surprise me that day and come nap with me, but as she walked in she saw the two of us sitting there talking to each other. My girlfriend ran into my room crying, i told the other girl to eave and then I lied to my girlfriend and said that i never talked to the girl without her knowledge and she just came over to ask for math homework. The next day i ended up telling the girl that i do not wish to speak to her ever again and i regret anything i ever did and i don't know why i did it and to please leave me alone. She thought it was only because i got "caught" but that is not the truth, and she was also concerned with my girlfriend now hating her.

 

Up until a few days ago, I have lied to my girlfriend about this. I have been seeing a psychologist ever since what I did two weeks ago to her and I was going to ask him today how to bring the truth to her... the only problem is that on sunday night, while we were at my friends party, she decided to ask her friends and her friends told her the truth, making me look even worse. She came out of the house and flipped out on me repeatedly screaming, crying, and hitting me. I have confessed everything to her and i feel like a total a-hole and i am just so very depressed because she really is such an amazing girl and i brought her down so much from what i have done. There was also a rumor going around that I cheated on her with her best friend, which I was shocked to hear and never happened; but because of my lies to her, she can not believe me or trust that that is the truth, it really is though. She decided to tell her parents, who were also just like my parents as I became very close to them and have no parental support from my dad and very little from my mom. Two days ago, her father asked me to come over and talked, i talked with them and apologized for my actions and let them know how terrible i fealt. They were not mad at me, they just wanted me to get help and for his daughter and I to stop talking for a while, to take a complete break from each other. He said it would not be smart for me to work for him because he fealt that if i was around him, her uncle, her brother, and her cousins everyday, that I would not get over her. He does not believe in kicking people whne they are down and knows of my financial and life problems, so he gave me a thousand dolalrs which he made me take but i fealt like i did not deserve. My ex and I only talk whne she calls me to put me down, scream at me, and threaten, which I feel she has every right to do ebcause of how much I have put her though and how much I have hurt her. I just really do not know waht to do with ymself as I am very very depressed and very very sorry, I get so depressed and just cry all hte time wishing I had one more chance to treat her how she does deserve to be treated or to atleast be friends with her. Almost every night she will tell me that she does not mean to be so cruel to me and doe snto want me to suffer btu does want me to feel some pain but that she does care about me. Then every morning she will call and bug out on me and threaten her being with other guys and them kicking my ass for what I have done, and telling me to do her a favor and move to my moms house which is out of state. I try and tell her not to put me down anymore because I feel it soooo much already and feel like im at riock bottom, but she doesnt listen and I just let it happen. Part of me feels like having contact like that is better than no contact at all. I am also extremely scared about her and other guys, even though I know eventually she is going to move on.

 

Sorry for the long post, I am just very hurt and have no idea what to do and am looking fro help anywhere I can find it. Thanks.

[mca1975]

My god, what a terribly sad situation. It all seems like a huge big mess of emotions and has become very confused.

 

You and your girlfriend have definitely been very close but to the point of it being "unhealthy" close, as you say, you have become totally dependant on her and she has, in turn, become dependant on you. Her family sound like good people. It sounds like you have been treated very badly by your father/family and it has affected you big time.

 

Im not able to reply very much right now, but I will come back to you and try and help you sort this out.

 

Please for now stay calm. Can you try not to answer your ex's calls if you can. She is just feeling very hurt and messed up, like you are and is finding it hard to let go and wants to punish you for how she is feeling, but its the situation that you have both found yourself in that is making her angry, not you.

 

Please do not beat yourself up anymore than you have already. What's done is done, you cannot change it. You are very sorry and you have made this known. You do not need to keep saying it. You must look to the future now. Now you must concentrate on looking after yourself and once you are feeling calmer, you can figure a way to resolve this/put it to rest. I think you both need emotional distance right now as that is the only way to read your emotions clearly. I know this from when I broke up with my boyf. It was a complete mess, different to this, but still a mess and it went on for a LONG time and the reason it went on for a long time, was because we could not stop contacting each other, we were prolonging each other's agony by staying in contact. As long as there are emotions running between you, you will not be able to see clearly. You need to go NC.

 

Speak again, please take care until then xx

PS. STOP beating yourself up NOW!!!

[headunderwater]

Keep going to your therapist if you can. They are extremely helpful. She needs to see one too. You have both learned to be abusive to each other and this relationship will never work. You both need to heal. I'm sorry you are going thru this. Her father is right, and it was nice of him to help you. One step at a time, you will be ok.

[Light Monster]

Sweetheart, You must feel terrible! I'm so sorry for you.

You may want to see a therapist as soon as possible. I don't know much about this (not a therapist) but there's something called Borderline Personality. There's information online. Surf the net check yourself for symptoms and please get help. Your girl can get help too. Please, this issue won't go away with your relationship, you need (and her ) to get help.

A big warm hug

[Br3ttF4vre04]

yea, everyone keeps telling me tp stop beating myself up about it and to give her emotional distance. it's just so hard to do either of them... i feel like i cant forgive myself for waht ive done, and imjust so scared about her and other guys... i know shes talking to some kid who's my old roommates friends but she knows how dirty he is, hes always talked a lot of crap about the girls he either got with or was currently getting with, hes been around a lot, and my old roommate has told us plenty of times about how he has had sex with girls not using a condom when they definitely have STDs, i just thought she was smarter than that but whatever.

 

last night i asked her to please call me and she did and we talked a litle then she yelled then said she wanted to hurt me so i said w.e then just come to my friends house so she came, i went outside and up ot her car like she said to and she started smacking me scratchign me hitting me all sorts of stuff, she then apologized and later onw e talked on the phone adns he said she was sorry but she really cant talk to me and stuff, its just so hard idk how to get through this