Why do men cheat?

[allypally]

One of the fears I had about my bf that lead to one of our break ups, was that he spoke about other women a lot.

 

I'm trying to overcome my fears and heal from past hurts ...

 

One evening we were out he mentioned that a number of yrs ago, he had started talking to 2 women in a hotel bar. He was staying at the hotel for a work course. He bought them drinks and was surprised that they left afterwards. What did he expect? a threesome?

 

He has told me about another work course coming up in the city. He will be staying at a great hotel we both stayed at one weekend. It has a great bar, and there are lots of attractive single women who go to the bar and for the atmosphere.

 

I fear he may cheat on me as the opportunities are too good.

 

Why do men cheat? I know the answers to this really, but am still asking.

[sharsachan]

why do men cheat?

 

the same reason women cheat.

 

there is something lacking in the relationship and they are too immature to confront the issue or end the relationship.

[hamsalad]

I think it could be a number of things.

 

The relationship they are currently in is weak or having problems.

They are just weak-willed and would never actually cheat unless it dropped in their lap.

They are players at heart and love having a relationship with one dependable girl, a home base of sorts, but still go out as if they were single.

They are just jerks. No other reason.

[allypally]

I realise we are all capable of cheating.

 

But its because he is a closed book that we don't have the intimacy we could have - he might see it that we don't have a good relationship and justify cheating - he is someone who happily talks to strangers and never misses a party.

 

Now I'm worrying again.

[hamsalad]

I realise we are all capable of cheating.

 

But its because he is a closed book that we don't have the intimacy we could have - he might see it that we don't have a good relationship and justify cheating - he is someone who happily talks to strangers and never misses a party.

 

Now I'm worrying again.

 

Ha...Ally,

 

I wondered if these responses would make you worry. I'd hate to see you hurt. When I referred to "he" in my response, it wasn't towards your current guy.

 

What do you honestly think when you look deep in yourself regarding him?

[allypally]

Its a tricky one.

 

When I asked him what he wanted in a 'serious' relationship he said:

 

1) To grow together

2) someone to talk to

3) someone to hug

 

He has his own issues to sort within himself and I think he wanted me to act like a therapist to him, so i suggested he see someone neutral (a professional) if he wanted to do that as I didn't see that as my 'job' as his girlfriend. Just as I wouldn't lean on him in the way that I do with my therapist confronting my 'issues'.

 

Maybe suggesting to him that he do that was overstepping the mark?

 

Anyway, I haven't answered your question Hamsalad

 

That I don't trust him fully yet because he has said a lot of things that would suggest he needs women to pay attention to him. He has said he has trouble getting close to people and letting them in, which is why it is easy for him to have flings or one night stands and flirt with women as there is no emotional investment but he gets an ego boost from being with them.

 

This worries me in terms of our relationship as I think if he was after a boost to his ego he would take the opportunity.

[hamsalad]

Ahh, and I thought things were going better for you and you bf. Well, he sounds conflicted to me. He wants to solidarity of a committed relationship, but has these desires for freedom to bounce from girl to girl. That's not fair to you!

 

It is solely up to you to determine if you can trust him long term. Don't expose yourself to getting run over by him...or anyone.

[hamsalad]

 

This worries me in terms of our relationship as I think if he was after a boost to his ego he would take the opportunity.

 

That says a lot of what you are thinking in the background. Consider it further and you'll see it might be a set up for you to get hurt.

[allypally]

Well, he does talk a lot (hence him mentioning what I can only describe as being conquests), and he is a flirty guy and likes to party.

 

I think he probably does like the idea of having something long-term. I said to him on tuesday morning jokingly ... "last night you said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me ... so why don't we get engaged?!" I then said I was a little bowled over about him having said that since we have been going through a rocky patch. His reaction was that he had been thinking about it.

 

Now whether its my mind playing tricks on me and taking what he has told me and blowing it out of proportion I don't know. But do men normally boast about what can only be described as past conquests to their current woman??

 

Whats the best way of fishing from him whether he would cheat?

[hamsalad]

Well, cheating is done by those who deceive and lie. The reasons are varied an many. It will be a tough job to fish an admission from him. If he wants to preserve any kind of relations with you he'll most likely tell you "No, I would never cheat on YOU".

 

As for boasting about past conquests, yes, men do it a lot. I am guilty of that, as well and it was a stupid, stupid thing for me to do. I was trying to stroke my own ego. Dumb! It was many years ago.

 

I am not saying he will cheat, but you describe some promiscuous behavior from him.

[allypally]

All I am saying is that he hasn't made me feel secure in the relationship and that spouting off about his past conquests (if they were true in the first place!) is a little worrying.

 

The fact that he is going to be going to the city for this course and staying in the hotel we stayed at which was a really fun place with atmosphere, and given that he is outgoing and has approached women on his own before whilst staying at a hotel gets me very worried indeed that he could cheat.

 

One minute he is saying he wants to spend the rest of his life with me etc etc. As you say he is conflicted. This is why I have recurring doubts about him because he doesn't seem to know what he wants. Those 3 things he wanted in a 'serious' relationship were pretty lame if you ask me.

[Enigmatika]

I fear he may cheat on me as the opportunities are too good.

How many opportunities could you create for yourself?

Would you cheat?

 

 

Don't worry about HIM...he will do precisely whatever he wants. Let him know that this sort of thing will be the ax. Finished.

 

If he cheats: He self selects himself out of your life. The sooner the better. Game over.

 

Nothing to worry about...as you just rid yourself of one definite loser.

[allypally]

If I am in a serious relationship I have no interest in doing anything with anyone else.

 

I certainly wouldn't mouth off about how many people I have dated and what we did.

[m12988]

The key to understand is that the reason your spouse cheating on you is NEVER your fault...they can sit back all they want and tell you that "oh you didn't show me enough love" or "you rarely wanted to have sex with me". In my eyes (and should be in EVERYONE'S eyes) there is absolutely NO reason that justifies any cheating whatsoever.

 

I believe people cheat because they are immature, not ready for a relationship (even if they've been married for years), and too chicken to confront 'problems' in a relationship as one poster said.....or just for the heck of it, no reason whatsoever. There really is not a universal answer even though we wish there was, but the universal answer to victims of cheating is that it's really not your fault one bit. If they cared enough about you and your feelings, they would have tried working out any problems they claim your relationship had, not go off and try to form a relationship with someone else.

[m12988]

No, it's not normal for a man to go around boasting about their past sexual relations. He would probably get flat out jealous and upset if you did the same. But yeah, when most people get into a relationship, they most likely don't even like to TALK about their past sex because they fear it will interfere and make the other party jealous.

[Sunshine311]

In reading this thread, it sounds like other posters know a history that I do not, however, I'll throw in my two bits anyway.

 

My impression while reading this is that the problem is really with you, not your boyfriend. You have expressed your worries over getting cheated on and hurt based on your past experiences (nothing to do with current bf?). It's not really fair to bring baggage from previous relationships into your current one. You also said he's done nothing to make you feel secure in the relationship, but how so? Why do you worry he'll cheat?

I get it that he talks about past experiences with women, but is that perhaps because he feels comfortable and secure enough with you to share these stories? I know all about my husbands history with women - he's muscular, good looking, and can charm the pants off of anyone - which he usually did! LOL. Lets just say he was a player who has been with A LOT of women. Sure I don't like to think about him with anyone else but me, but does it make me worry he'll cheat on me today? Not a chance. Our relationship is solid, the past is the past, and I would trust him alone in a room full of models.

What would it take for you two to get to that place?

 

 

(I'd just like to note, my husband never 'boasted" about conquests, it's just that we know about each other's past)

[m12988]

If I am in a serious relationship I have no interest in doing anything with anyone else.

 

I certainly wouldn't mouth off about how many people I have dated and what we did.

 

I imagine that's how most people feel. He is definitely a really insecure person and being engaged is not going to change that. He has this need to make people think he's something else. He will need to get over that. It sounds like he wants to keep you to have someone to fall back on, but still wants the freedom of a single guy. He can't have both. It sounds to me he still has some growing up and maturing left to do before he's ready to commit to one relationship.

[Wolf_22]

why do men cheat?

 

the same reason women cheat.

 

there is something lacking in the relationship and they are too immature to confront the issue or end the relationship.

 

D

I

T

T

O

 

[george237]

I think your more worried about if your man is cheating on you. I would say more no then yes. Reason being if he was cheating then he would be lieing about his business trips not telling you there are loads of women there. He would be very careful not to say anything that would make you suspicious of him being unfaithful. This way you can feel safe when he goes on trips and not worry why you got a good night call at 7 p.m. instead of 10 or 11.

 

I think he is trying to impress you some way or show you he can get other women. A friend of mine would do this to his gf who he loved and would never cheat on.

[Gracelove]

"Why do men cheat?"

 

I think it's in their nature.

[allypally]

I know the hotel that he is going to stay at - I stayed there with him one weekend, and he said he liked it so much he would return if he was on business in the city.

 

Call me paranoid, insecure, whatever you wish - however, I think if a man really loves you, the last thing he would want to do is say things that would cause his woman concern.

 

Maybe he is just boosting his ego, I don't know, and I am not in any way suggesting that over the last 6 yrs I have been cheated on, because I haven't.

 

What I am looking for is a stable relationship. This means work on my part not to get paranoid and change my mindset, and I am asking my bf for more openess in our relationship and that we talk more because we don't - he is a closed book which makes it difficult.

[allypally]

"I imagine that's how most people feel. He is definitely a really insecure person and being engaged is not going to change that. He has this need to make people think he's something else. He will need to get over that. It sounds like he wants to keep you to have someone to fall back on, but still wants the freedom of a single guy. He can't have both. It sounds to me he still has some growing up and maturing left to do before he's ready to commit to one relationship".

 

I think your comment m12988 is spot on - he wants to look see what else is out there and have a woman in the background which is why I need to get out of this relationship. The things he says cause me to be concerned and feel uncomfortable in the relationship. Then he'll throw in a "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" remark which makes me feel even worse because things are not good between us. Its up and down with him.

[Taylor527]

A couple reasons :

 

1) they are unhappy in their current relationship.

2) the sex isn't satisfying in their current relationship.

3) think its cool to mess around.

4) they are immature and don't know how to end a relationship with someone they fell out of love with.

5) they need variety.

 

I have come to a conclusion myself - most guys are just dogs... they like to just F anything and everything because it feels good.. gross.

[booyah00]

Well I suppose some guys just find it impossible to be with one girl and like the idea of a "variety" ... but there are those of us who are differant..

 

I don't think I have it in me to cheat... The guilt would consume me forever .. whether my other half found out or not... I would be to my partner what I would want done to me.. to be absolutely truthful and loyal. That being said.. in some situations I can see why one would cheat. Don't get me wrong.. I think cheating is an awful thing to do to a person. However I've been in a relationship where I had given it my all ... emotionally, physically and whatever else. I really felt like I was trying to give my partner everything she could ever possibly want and if she were unhappy about ANYTHING I would want to know and I would try my hardest to please her. Sadly she didn't have the same idea about a relationship. I tried to explain to her that as my girlfriend that she is at least half of my social interaction.. 3/4 of my emotional and 100% of my physical and that I felt like she wasn't interested in me physically even though she claimed she was. Also, she was the type to NEVER make the first move.. thereforeee it was left up to me to either initiate physical.. or else it wouldn't happen which left me to feel like I was begging for attention.

 

For about a year I sat and contimplated how important the physical connection was and meanwhile grew tired of being the one to initiate it and what happens.. the physical comes to a stop. I sat and thought what if theres some girl out there who will be more physical with me.. who will desire me just as much as I desire her? How much happier would I be? If I was a cheater I imagine at that point in the relationship I would have started to look elsewhere to fullfill my needs. But because I am not I made one of the hardest decisions of my life and chose to end it and look elsewhere for someone who would be more compatiable with me. It hurts a ton still... but deep down I suppose I made the right decision.

 

So a differant personality type .. the "cheater" would have come to the same conclusion I did.. but would have chose to keep his partner as backup just in case he or she couldn't find something better for fear of being alone. Obviously cheating comes down mostly do being all about sexual doesn't it? If you needed more social then it would be just a friend.. if you needed more emotional then it would be just a .. closer friend. I know there are types of girls out there (I've dated one) who can be extremely selfish when it comes to the physical part.

 

I had a girl who I would please by any means whenever she wanted.. but if I hinted that I wanted her to be physical with me she would just laugh and say that's too bad go take care of it yourself, or shrug it off and say wow your frisky and then go about watching 7th heaven. Doing it once ... fine... twice.. great.. a few times a month ok.. but 1 to 2 times a week hearing that got so old I couldn't help but think that there were better girls out there. She would be physical with me maybe once a month.. which left me to be physical with uhhh myself? maybe another 10 times that month.. and I'm left wondering.. why is she not more physical with me? I dunno maybe some guys are differant then I but I want my girlfriend to be physical with me on a semi-regular basis.. show interest in me.. and if I don't see it happening.. I start to get distant and question it all.

 

The world is filled with temptation.. in real life.. on tv.. it's everywhere, and in a relationship both partners have a huge responsibility which is being their other half''s "Everything"... Emotional, Social, Physical, Sexual.. each person is differant so some of those are more important then others to people but if any one of those are lacking .. then the question lingers what if theres someone out there who could be all of it. But then again that still gives no one the right to cheat... I guess maybe they are scared... scared to leave what they know and try and find something better and end up failing. I left her.. I tried to find something better.. I have yet to find that person and it hurts.

[allypally]

Its interesting, because we are sexually compatible and have pretty high sex drives. Even when I have asked him about doing a bit of light bondage he has never done this before so he seems to be quite conservative when it comes down to it and doesn't initiate different positions or anything.

 

He has said he wants to 'grow' with me, in the sense that the relationship becomes stronger and we work on improving ourselves etc.

 

He has said he isn't good at asking for what he wants in a relationship. If that is the case, how will i ever know if something is missing for him if he never tells me??

 

People who don't communicate only have themselves to blame, as the other person can't mind read.

 

If he felt inclined to cheat because he wasn't getting something out of the relationship, then it is likely I wouldn't know about it because he hasn't told me.

 

He said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that he has been thinking about it. If that is the case, then cheating wouldn't put you in the right mind set to embark on spending the rest of your life with someone would it?? or do some people do it for the go boost??