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I'm just a body of diseases.


leftovers of me
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Hi, I'm a new member here. I guess I'll give a little intro of myself. I'm 18 and am posting in this particular forum for obvious reasons. It's amazing I've actually not killed myself yet. In elementary school, I was always alone and wanted desperately to die. I started starving myself way back then. I still starve myself. The first time I tried to kill myself I was 15 in Germany on a foreign exchange trip. I tried to overdose but just ended up passing out. Last time I seriously attempted was 2 years ago. I tried to starve my body to death. I went several days with no water or food and was simultaneously working out every day. I'm not sure why it didn't work because I honestly don't remember what happened. A little over a year ago I met this "great guy" and was quite happy ... for a little while. It was only a few months before my depression came back. Then, I found out this guy wasn't as great as I had thought. We're no longer an item, but because of that, I'm in terrible shape. He was the only person I could talk to. I have no friends at all. I make small talk with people at work, but that's the closest thing I have to an actual friendship ... actually any sort of relationship whatsoever.

 

I don't really care about anything anymore. I dropped out of college because there's not really a future to plan for. The only reason I still have a job is to be able to afford my car -- my haven -- which is now inoperable anyway. Life at home ... well, let's not really get into that one. I'll just say it has always sucked, currently sucks, and will only continue to suck. That's why my car is my haven. I don't even really care about my appearance anymore either. I showered for the first time today in I think 4 days. I've gone over a week before. Disgusting, isn't it? I only look good enough to get by at work. I say anything that pops into my head without hesitation (i.e. I ran into my former best friend from high school, and at the end of a short conversation, she said "See you around maybe!" and I said "You may have to look in the obituaries." Even I was shocked I said that out loud.). I spend money like there is no tomorrow. It seems like I either don't sleep at all or I spend twice as much time sleeping than being awake. I have no real interests unless counting calories is considered an interest. I am no longer a person; I am a body of diseases.

 

I would very much like to die. I know no one is going to tell me to just get it over with or how to get the job done. I suppose I just want the attention. How selfish of me.

 

-- the anorexic, lonely, and depressed leftovers of me

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Well hello leftovers of me,

 

Welcome to eNotalone. Well you are right about one thing, nobody here is going to tell you have to kill yourself. I'm afraid we care too much about our members to give them the easy way out like that. No, we won't do that. What we will do is kill you with kindness. Are you ready for that? I hope so, so sit back and read:

 

Most of the people here in this forum either feel the same way you do right now, or they have felt that way in the past. I am one of those people. I went through a horrible time where I really couldn't care less what happened to me. Killing myself looked like a great option, because it was the only way I could see to stop the incredible pain I felt every single day. I figured nobody would miss me. Does this sound familiar?

 

You see, I have depression. And the thing about depression is that it whispers little lies to you all day every day. It keeps telling you how worthless you are, how nobody cares, how ugly you are, how fat you are, and on and on. It does this until you believe it. And the more you believe it, the deeper into the depression you go. And then you are so deep into it you can't climb out.

 

But luckily, I got help. I went to a counselor and I went to a doctor. It took me a few tries before I found a counselor I liked, but I did it. And I got on some depression medication. Between the two of them, I was able to climb out of the hole I was in.

 

Have you been to a doctor? Would you be willing to go to one? They will not think you are stupid or crazy. They see people with depression all the time. And they can also refer you to a counselor to talk to. You have mentioned that you really do not have many close friends, so I suggest you talk to a counselor. You can say ANYTHING thats on your mind, and they will listen to you.

 

I hope this helps you at least get a start. I would like you to keep talking to us here and perhaps we can continue to help you. And also, I do not believe you are posting here just to get attention. I think you are posting to get some help. And that is a very good thing indeed.

 

avman

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hon i told this to another person who felt suicidalsomewhere in this world someone needs you ther eis someone who cares like i do don't end your life because of a down fall have you seeked help? i have manic depression and bi polar and i have thought of suicide lots of times the only thing that stops me is the people who care and people who need me. don't give up you still have a lot to live for as hard is it is it will get better in time just it did for me. you are worth living and don't let anyone tell you differnt

 

*hugglez*

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Thanks for your replies. I really appreciate both you taking the time to write what you did. Avman, you made me laugh with that "killing you this kindness" comment. Well, if you have to go, that's a very nice way to go. Lol. Eppenta, I understand what you mean about how a person should not end their life because of a down fall in their life. The problem is, however, my entire life is the down fall. I'd be ending it simply because it is my life. I'd like to believe I have a lot to live for, people actually do care about me, and things will eventually get better, but no offense, I'm having a hard time believing it at the moment.

 

I was seeing a psychiatrist up until a couple of weeks ago. She decided that I was fit enough to no longer see her. Though, I was there for my eating disorder, which is actually still a very large issue for me. I mentioned that I get depressed quite often, but she never treated the matter like it was important. It makes you wonder if schools just hand PhDs to anyone walking down the street. To her credit, though, I did lie about my ED only at my last appointment. Though, she really shouldn't believe anyone under 90 pounds at 5'6" with years of problems with anorexia. I'm not sure if I'm going to search for another therapist for a lot of reasons: 1) I hate therapy. 2) I hate being put on medication. 3) I fear if a doctor sees how much weight I've dropped, I'll get stuck in In Patient care at some hospital. 4) Assuming #3 happens, I'll likely lose my job. 5) My parents are completely oblivious to my situation. I told them once that I had an eating disorder, and my mother finally arranged with our insurance to get a family physician. She never found out if I even made an appointment. My father just didn't care at all. If I tell them that I have a problem with depression, I know their reaction will be the same. I couldn't possibly deal with that. That would probably be the thing that would tip me over the edge. 6) I'm getting dropped from my parents insurance plan in the next couple of months, and won't have a chance to be insured until September. Plus, if #3 and #4 happen, that chance of being medically insured will not even happen. I think I could get over #1 and #2, but everything else prevents me from getting treatment.

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Well unfortunately in every profession there are those who are really good at what they do, and there are those who are not so good. You may have run into a psychologist who just isn't very good at what they do.

 

I can understand your reluctance to go to therapy if you have already had a bad experience. But before giving up completely I would try another therapist first. Sometimes it takes a few tries before you find someone who really helps. I also found this. The first person I went to was completely useless. I may as well have been talking to the wall, she offered no feedback to me whatsoever. SO I understand what you are saying.

 

Regarding medication, I know it seems like a pain - but it really does make a difference. It can take the edge off of your feelings and keep you from spiraling down into that black hole I talked about. It doesn't make you happy, and they aren't crazy pills either. They just adjust your body chemistry so that you can focus. I would ask you to reconsider and just try it. Give it a month or two to work on you. And let them find the right dosage. If after a few months its just not working - well ok at least you gave it a shot.

 

Your fears about #3 and #4 are completely understandable. It must be very tough to try and hold up that appearance of being all fine while inside you are falling apart. I get that - believe me. However, if you don't fix what is going on inside of you it is all going to fall apart anyway. Its only a question of WHEN, not IF. Perhaps you could discuss a leave of absense from your job for medical reasons? And even if thats not possible, there are other jobs. Your health has to come first. Being employed is not of much use if it ends up hurting your health long term.

 

#6, well that is difficult. I'm not sure of the circumstances regarding losing your parents insurance. But is there any possibility of extending your parents insurance for this situation? Also, there are many therapists out there who will provide their services on a sliding scale basis for those people who do not have insurance. But please do not neglect your health (emotional or physical) even due to finances. If the costs spiral out of control there is always bankruptcy that can clear up the bills. I don't recommend that people just go out and blow money and declare bankruptcy - but if it is dangerous to neglect the situation I think money needs to take second place.

 

I had a friend who delayed his treatment for cancer due to insurance issues. Well he delayed it so long, he died. So he didn't incur the expenses - but the consequences were disasterous.

 

Does this help?

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Thanks for all of the advice. At the moment, I'm just kind of chilling. As much as I'm sick of this life, I don't have the heart to ruin the holidays by killing myself. I have been trying extra hard not to do that this year. For the first time in ... lots of years, I was not told that I had ruined yet another Thanksgiving. If I can just hold a straight face until mid-January, I don't think anyone will associate "Merry Christmas" or any other bit of holiday merriment with my death.

 

As far as finding another therapist goes, I'm not sure what I can do. I know I have to have one recommended to me by my doctor, whom I hate. He's a pervert. One time I had 2 infections and the flu simultaneously and absolutely refused to see him. I tried to tell my mother that he was, but she just responded that Eric (one of my brothers) liked him. Since Eric is the super-athletic one, his physical state takes priority over everyone elses'. Until I'm on my own insurance plan, I can't go to any doctor I want. That means I can't get a different therapist.

 

Assuming I can find some way to get a therapist, I've decided that medication wouldn't be so bad. Besides, I've done worse "stuff."

 

I'm currently evaluting your suggestion of taking a leave of absense from work after the holiday season is over. That's something I need to think longer on.

 

Actually, it is all a lot to consider. Thank God I'm in one of my more "considerate" moods. I realize I see things in very dim lightings, but fortunately, today has been one of the more brighter of the dim days. That's kind of strange considering I haven't slept in about 40 to 41 hours. I think normal people get grumpy, but I become more pleasant?

 

And yes, everything you've said has helped. The content is a great part of that help, but also just knowing that someone is actually listening is also a help. Thank you much!

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  • 5 weeks later...

I have once been in your situation, except the whole eating disorder. I have tried killing myself many tiems, because of crap that has happeneed to me in life. But tthen I watched friedns go thru it, and I felt like I was being selfish and just wanted attention. So I got help. ZOLOFT is the best thing that happened to me. Just a week ago, my friend committeed suicide, he was only 16. He had alot going for him and had a dream. When I was in 10th grade, my other friend killed himself on homecoming night. Please dont even think about doing the bad. Only the good.

Dawnyale

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  • 3 weeks later...

well, lets see, young lady wants out of life. i have always thought of such things and i know a lot of my friends who attempted suicide too. i think the only difference wiht people who commit suicide and those who dont is knowledge. well if i thougth that life was unfair to only myself then i would find it easy to commit. but if,say for instance, i know someone who has it rougher than i do and still lives, that is a source of encouragement to me. and secondly, honey, i dont know for sure what awaits us in the life after so i am not in a hurry to find out. you might wake up on the other end and find it is hot even in winter. so while your still living, try your best to get the best. i havent seen you, but from what you have writen, you seem to be full of potential. please start taking a shower, eating right, sleeping well, maybe with your teddy bear, and all that good stuff. finally, i know that there is a lot of good in you, discover them, it is a life long process, and share them with the people around you. i hope i havent been insensitive, all i just want is to let you know that there is hope.

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Well, I hope leftovers of me is still reading this thing. If she is, I'll say this:

 

You are a good writer. And I don't say that to everyone. I like to write. I'm too scared to publish yet. But I will. You can't tell me that coming up with your screen name didn't provide some excitement for you.

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