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A "battle" i would rather not fight.. (LONG, but i need your help.)


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hi everyone,


i woke up this morning desperately needing advice. my head is killing me, i dont know what to do, and im quite a mess. let me begin..


so i was in a 4 yr relationship and just got out of it (well, it was figuratevly over for about a year and a half) -- and it was messy. i was ready to get into the dating scene. i am 24, content with most important parts of my life, and was ready to see what was out there. i am not a fan of dating multiple people at a time, but decided i should see whats out there.


many wanted to set me up.. but i was just not feeling it. so i met someone online that we corresponded via long emails everyday. we were very much on the same page, and decided to meet. our date was amazing-- it was 6 hrs long, we were honest, had fun, and instantly connected. it was as if we had known each other for years and years. amazing. we already planned out our next date-- me cooking him dinner that coming friday (the date was sunday). his schedule is insane as he is a doctor- a resident, so he basically works 20 hrs/day with just a couple of days per month.


the days between the date and the next date, he, despite his hectic schedule-- called me every night and emailed me at least once a day. it was so sweet.. a breath of fresh air, really. we got along on so many levels and truly appreciated each other's differences. friday rolls around, dinner was great, and we had an amazing time. we had deep conversations but at the same time laughed ALOT. he spent the night, and the next morning we had brunch. brunch was good, he was just put off for a little bit about how i mentioned to my mother i was dating him. it was an od response but later i found out hes had some VERY negative experiences with the latter so it was just a flight response for him. we got over it.


the next week he was very busy.. craziness at the hospital, we spoke a few times that week and he emailed whenever he could. friday, he ended up breaking his foot and when i finally spoke with him he sounded a mess. saturday i emailed him to tell him about my day. later on in the evening, he emails back reflecting on some of what i said.. and then basically tells me that he got an email from a really good friend who revealed some things to him and its causing him internal confusion and that he and i needed to talk about it soon.. it was very important.


well youre probably guessing what it is, and youre right, because i guessed what it was and it was right. so he gets home from the hospital at 1230a and calls me. we make small talk and then get into the situation. basically.. a girl hes been good friends with for a while, since he was about 12 (hes 27 now) wrote him an email. she currently lives in CA (he and i are both in NY) and the email started out updating him on whats going on with her.. she then proceeded to tell him that the relationship she was in for a while has ended, and she is hurt by it. she then says how shes been thinking about him (my guy) alot lately and has feelings for him. how they have been through thick and thin and how she wants to see if they could give it a try because hes been through all this with her and has always been a constant in her life.


so he and i discuss this.. and i was grateful he told me (he told me before he even emailed or called her, whch im still not sure he has done yet) but asked him what else it was that he expected from telling me. he says.. 'i dont know.. but i am so confused now. because i really, really like you and we were going somewhere special, but i dont want to hurt you because i dont know what to do with this piece of information from her'. we chatted about it for 2 hrs... he told me normally, in a situation like ours, where we have only been dating for 2 wks, that he would tell the person he is dating that he needs to end it. but since he likes me so much and its been so intense in such a short amount of time, he wants to tell me an work through this with me in the picture. when i asked him if he ever thought about being with this girl, he replied 'yes, we get a long very well, have a lot in common.. shes been there with me for so much.. when my friend passed on... its comfortable and familiar with her. but with you its great because i love spending time with you, i wish i could spend all my time with you, wish i was there with you right now but i cant because of my foot.. so i dont know. its crossed my mind in terms of being with her before but it never came up bc we were always dating people'. and i even told him.. for me to agree to wait this out is a big deal because im taking such a huge risk in getting hurt and he acknowledged that and kept saying 'but i dont want to hurt anyone'.. and i had to tell him, 'look.. in this, at least one person WILL get hurt'.


so basically, he is going to talk to her later tonight or something and then let me know how it goes. he has no clue what hes going to do.. he doesnt know if shes just tryng to make him a rebound, or if shes exhausted all her options and is running to him now, or if shes truly genuine. i like him so so much. he is good for me in so many ways and i was really looking forward to spending more time with him and getting to know him more, and possibly cultivate a strong relationship. now i am just a mess- nervous, anxious, hurt, ready to be hurt.


any thoughts.. advice.. suggestions? should i say good bye or wait? if i wait, how do i deal with this? how do i deal with him.. gosh, i am so afraid.


thank you in advance for your help, and thanks for reading such a long tirade.



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I am in a similar, but not identical position. I am in the position of where someone a girl I have been friends with for a very long time has expressed interest in me immediately after ending a 5 year relationship.


Conventional wisdom would tell you that the position you're in will only lead to you getting hurt. Sometimes it's much easier said than done when it comes to following conventional wisdom. I think what's important for you to realize here is that he has confided in you with this information and by doing so made it clear to you that you are an option to him.


This may have come out of the blue for him, but it sounded like you felt that you had something special with him. You need to realize that you're sitting here asking how you should deal with this situation while he is more than likely sitting somewhere deciding which is his best option.


My advice to you is that you don't do anything as drastic as saying goodbye. Instead communicate your concerns and make it clear what you will and will not tolerate. If you feel something special with this guy then don't allow him to make you an option. Focus on yourself and take a step back from it all. If he thinks you're worth it then he will soon realize you have stopped being an option to him and that he needs to make his mind up and respect you.

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hi somerandomguy:


thank you for your response, it was very well thought out. i definitely dont want to be looked at as an 'option' i hate feeling like this whole '1 of 2' situation.


curious, are you pursuing the person who wants to be with you now?

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have you been to his place? Any affirmations of him being a doctor? I am always suspicious of men online. You would be surprised what good game some of them have. Don't get me wrong, I met my current bf of more than 3 years online, but he too, pretended to be more than he was. Be careful with your feelings.

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We are trying to keep some type of a relationship with the hope that when it's time things will work. In reality it's me recovering from the spiteful words and abusive relationship I had with my ex combined with her recovering from the roller coaster of ending a 5 year relationship. We are still trying, but it certainly makes it much harder on both ends.


I wouldn't recommend adding these complications to a relationship for anyone, but you're the only person at the end of the day who is in the position to decide whether or not something is worth fighting for despite conventional wisdom and the obstacles involved. Doing things the way I'm doing it now certainly makes it much harder than it would be if it were the right time with no added complications.

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It sounds like you chose to take things very fast sexually (I am reading into the "brunch the next morning") even though you only knew him two weeks. While I believe he received an email from an old flame and that he is confused, what I would do is back off and if he "chooses" to keep seeing you decide whether you're willing to risk being this intimate this fast when he is keeping his options open. I wouldn't assume that some woman from his past contacting him is that unusual an occurrence.

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If someone is confused after 2 weeks when some old friend emails him out of the blue, i don't know... i'd say good bye.


I may be a brat but I'm not going to wait around for someone to decide if they want to be with me or not. If they can't decide what they want, their feelings can't be very strong, no matter what they say....


Sorry to be so blunt

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