crossing the line in the workplace ... success stories of inappropriateness

[Lucy__lou]

I am well aware of the wise words 'don't mix business with pleasure,' and 'don't go flirting, let alone dating or sleeping with colleagues.'

 

Rules are good, as guidelines, and can keep you out of trouble, but life isn't black and white, so has anyone ever broken that rule and lived to tell the tale?

 

I'm interested to hear success stories of people who've admitted they were attracted to a colleague, and actually improved the working relationship, rather than creating trouble.

 

My reason for being interested in all this is because I swear, sometimes when you stick rigidly behind the safe line of appropriate conduct when there is an indisputable attraction there, you can offend the person who also feels that there should be more than polite, distant strictly work oriented conversations taking place. Sometimes behaving appropriately is a cold wall erected before universe that's trying to work it's magic...

 

As for me, well there's a colleague of mine who I am practically avoiding, or at least keeping interactions very minimal, in order to stop myself from flirting. Strong instincts I'm trying to hold back here. And it's certainly not doing our working relationship any good. So I'm wondering whether a taste of truth might actually improve the working relationship...

 

so has anyone done what they shouldn't have and actually improved the work dynamic?

[thejigsup]

I have dated in the workplace. I wouldn't recommend it at all. It ended in disaster.

[Frame]

Hmm - it didn't improve the work dynamic but it also didn't damage it. I've had two work relationships, one in the past and one current one.

 

So - the first time I was in a relationship with a guy from work, it lasted under a year, and we continued to work together for two years after that. In fact I did some consultancy work for him about two years later again when his business was in start-up mode and he couldn't afford full time staff. We always had a very close friendship, before, during and after the relationship. Maybe it brought us a lot closer in ways. I know he absolutely trusted me to quote him a fair price and do a bang up job for him. I always keep my ear to the ground for him too - if there's any openings or opportunities or anything I happening that I think might interest him. Yeah actually - I revise my first statement - I've been close to other guys at work, but I don't have that same closeness or ongoing care and interest in them like I do with him. It did improve our working relationship.

 

In my current relationship, I have been promoted over my boyfriend and so I am his line manager now. It definitely caused problems at the beginning. I've been his boss for almost a year now. First his supervisor, now his manager. The first few months were the worst. We've learnt a lot from the mistakes we made - but crucially we got the foundations right I think. Firstly - I made sure all of our superiors and HR knew I was in a relationship with him before I took the role. Also - we have scrupulously talked all our problems through - sometimes it's been difficult but mostly it has gone well and we are closer now than ever. It definitely has improved his attitude to work - he is much more committed and far more of a team player now. Happier in his job - feels much more recognised. And for me - again I absolutely trust him, and I know when I ask him to do something it will get done. Also we have made sure that our relationship to one another in work is 100% professional, and kind - even on the days that we have been dealing with the fall out from non-work related arguments we have still been rock solid in terms of team work and productivity.

[Lucy__lou]

Thanks so much Frame.

 

Your post confirms my thoughts about how it could/should be.

 

so from your experience, I'm guessing some important things to have in place would be:

- strong foundation of a close friendship

- lots of communication

- willing to be open about it to colleagues once it might effect them

- commitment to professionalism on the job at all times

- it's not a walk in the park so be prepared to work through issues.

 

In my situation, at work there's a few people who I could imagine myself developing a closer relationship with. And my approach so far is that the relationship (i.e. the working relationship, and friendship to the extent that it has formed) needs to be positive and dominated by good will (love), and I'm also practicing caution, that I want friendship to have a good run and have more weight and significance than any kind of sparks/ romance.

 

My strategy at this point is to observe, but not fuel the romantic flames, but keep pushing for the friendship / friendly colleague vibes and keep it friendly, and keep the emotions from getting intense where possible.

[Frame]

Yeah you sound like you have a handle on it Lucy Lou. It takes a level emotional control really - it's not that we don't have just as many issues as any other couple, it's just we have learned to turn the volume down on them in work.

 

It's true that a of people will be horrified by the idea of relationships at work. However quite a significant proportion of long term relationships being at work - I think I've read something like 25%?

 

The biggest key for me I think was going very very slowly. My boyfriend and I were really good friends before we got together. He walked me home from work every day for 6 months before we got together. He became part of my non-work social scene about 3 months before. By the time we were together, we were already in love and we really knew each others stories and histories and could judge how the other person was in themselves.

 

I think that is an amazingly good thing about a work start to a relationship - you can see the person handling their lives up close beforehand. How do they react to setbacks? How do they deal with stress? It's not that my boyfriend or I are perfect - it's just that maybe we understood each other's imperfections a little better than most when we started out.

 

In my previous relationship, which didn't work out the most important thing was to not to let the inevitable 'awkward stage' get the better of us. I know it was hard initially, but we kept communicating with each other. And actually, the fact that we kept our cards close to our chest and didn't acknowledge the relationship publicly meant we didn't have to acknowledge or discuss the breakup either. My advice to you would be - tell whoever absolutely needs to know, only when they need to know, and otherwise keep it completely quiet.

[Lucy__lou]

25%! very interesting. I agree with the thing about how you get to know a lot about someone's character by the way they handle work challenges. Thanks again for all the advice.