unrealistic expectations

[pivotal]

Ladies and gents,

 

My own ideas of who suits me well are ruined by the idea of perfectionism and the possiblity of finding a mirror image of myself.

 

I find that when there's a connection with someone I am constantly comparing them to other people and myself. Knowing that no one will have the exact same interests, my thoughts still wander in this direction. Unrealistic expectations you might say.

 

It's as though I can't invest all my feelings in one person as each is unique. Bits and pieces of individuals and variety is what, in the big picture, I am in love with. Yet I seek only one who completes me.

 

Please bring me to level ground before this logic ruins me.

[jettison]

Isn't that some movie quote? "You complete me"? In any case, I think it's brainwashed the masses. Only you complete you. If you run into someone who informs you that you complete them, contemplate running. You may want to go to Footlocker first, and buy their best long distance running shoes because you're going to want to run far and fast.

 

Only you complete you. Others don't/won't do it, ever. Some people do go their whole lives looking for that special someone to complete them, and in the process, they lay waste so many loveable, vibrant, intelligent, entertaining, nurturing, smart individuals, all in the name of some kind holy quest for a holy grail that never even existed. Actually, that's not true. The "Holy Grail" does actually exist in two forms.

 

First, it was a spectacularly funny movie made by Monty Python.

 

Second, it the "Holy Grail" may be found in you. You've had it all along, and if you can become self aware enough, you may even find it.

[Lana0120]

I think you analyse too much. Concentrate on the feelings. If you don't have the feelings, you haven't met the right person yet. That's all there is to it.

[red_fox]

you are definitely over thinking what it is to find something you will truly love, or as some call a "soul mate"

 

when you find that person, you will know. you will accept their flaws, and learn to live with them, and connect with who they truly are. love will never be perfect, but its about loving an imperfect person, perfectly.

[JimmerJammer]

you are definitely over thinking what it is to find something you will truly love, or as some call a "soul mate"

 

when you find that person, you will know. you will accept their flaws, and learn to live with them, and connect with who they truly are. love will never be perfect, but its about loving an imperfect person, perfectly.

 

red_fox,

you stole the words from right out of me I swear.

 

pivotal,

I will add to what they said. The thing is about dating that makes it so alluring and enticing is the seemingly never ending supply of people that closely resemble someone fabled to be your "soul mate". The problem being that often times it become easy to be short sighted and to quickly dismiss someone because they don't reflect enough of what you want or they begin to demonstrate character aspects or personality traits that are undesirable. There's also the matter of how it really takes both people working together to continue having a healthy sex drive. That spark? That chemistry? the sexual attraction? often will falter and so it takes both people to make it work.

 

Now when it comes to figuring out who that person is one may either need to date a bunch of "losers" to zone in on what it is they find desirable in a mate as well as what I like to call absolutes. What that means is that generally it will be damn near impossible to find someone perfect that agrees with everything you say, has the same feelings and emotions as you, same style of communication as you, same sexual desire and mental state as you as well as any other perfect, ideal trait or characteristic you could imagine. It's not practical and is left at best as a dream/fantasy.

 

I can help provide a guide to use that has helped me to become aware of what works for me and what doesn't. First and foremost an individual is best at taking any need they would want someone else to fulfill for them and to work on filling it themselves. There are things that another person can help you to fill up on, but it's not their responsibility to as it's only from a desire to express themselves in such a way that provides that fulfillment. It's their choice and not an obligation. I want you to next consider something else. Look at your life and see what parts of it you feel are complete and which parts you feel are missing, or lacking. Try to figure out ways on working on those parts.

 

Finally when it comes to dating and relationships and even finding someone who is a "soul mate" it's important to consider this. Anyone remember Venn Diagrams? I do as we had to do them in our class several times way back when. The idea being that you took two or more things seemingly unrelated to each other and overlap them. In this overlapped, almond-shaped, part known as the mandorla, contained the parts that the two or more things you were comparing had shared qualities or aspects. It's important to consider this because if you find yourself idealizing someone you're falsely placing someone in a spot they're not in as well as not investing yourself merely closes people out. The only answer is to be fully "complete" yourself, have aspects of your life that overlap theirs and thus you share intimacy, and finally have your own, contained life that is separate from theirs.

 

When I had a lot of time to myself due to not getting involved with girls; due in part to knowing better and because I also had a hard time finding a girl that I was looking for. So I often would think in my head what parts were deemed very important(or absolutes), somewhat important (take or leave), mildly important (may have some bearing.) and to really figure out what things you absolutely want to stay true to and to help define what person would work well for you. Next I would consider my life and the things I enjoy doing on my own; seeing my family, my friends, enjoying my hobbies, keeping active, partaking in interests/pastimes I love, etc. Then, using a Venn Diagram, I would consider a future partner and to ultimately think of what parts of my life I could include them in and yet be able to do on my own if they didn't share the same desire and vice-versa. I would split it up into roughly 3 categories. Work, Play, Rest. I would consider say working out together a shared moment of work, watching a movie together a shared moment of play, and becoming intimate as a shared moment of Rejuvenation/rest. Those are examples of sharing intimacy with someone, being independent would be me finding a moment to go golfing with friends, to work on music or a car, and relaxing by myself outside or going for a walk by myself.

 

When it becomes unhealthy is when you take too much time for yourself, deny sharing in moments with someone else unless you get something out of it, or resting when you see your partner breaking her back doing something strenuous. The other form of unhealthy is when you agree with everything they say or ask with the inability to say no or stand up for what you believe, when you rationalize parts of their behaviour because you want to deny their imperfectness, when your life becomes their life and when there isn't an opportunity for either of you to feel like they can have personal space or privacy because you two share that too.

 

That would be an example of the circle containing everything you are being overlapped with the circle representing everything they are. Again unhealthy. When you are able to have parts of your life you keep to yourself (healthy ones though as one needs to think morally here) and ones you share together, you manage to find something not many of us have an easy time with. Often we'll love someone to their core, their being, but go beyond what is acceptable because we feel entitled to it. Then you become overbearing and start to wear the other person out. It's also something that is fortunate to have found in someone else when they have the patience to help you to overcome this desire and want to control them or to idealize them. When you are able to come to realize what qualities and traits and aspects of personality you truly desire as well as being mature yourself, it then becomes a matter of finding that person and helping to accept them as they are and allow them the same patience to grow. If it is a healthy relationship where both loving people are determined to make it work by helping and encouraging each other to grow together, understanding each other, respecting each other, embrace each other and to accept each other. Then it really becomes a matter of not just loving an imperfect person, but to love that imperfect person, perfectly.