How do I end it?

[mrjonathandude]

I have been dating this girl for almost two years now, since senior year in high school. I went to Washington State University, and she followed me here. I have tried to break up with her in the past. Maybe I just am not man enough, and if so, I'll accept it, I just don't know what to do.

 

She followed me here, and she has no friends here. She is such a homebody and I am sick of being at home all the time. I think of what else is out there and hate being trapped in this relationship.

 

When I try to break up with her, she does several things. First thing, she balls her eyes out and tells me how stupid I am. Whatever, I know that she will say that and I will accept it.

 

Then she says: "You can't end a two year relationship in one day" as if there is some process which I should take. I try to initiate this process, and then she says no, Jon, you don't know what you want, you don't want to end this.

 

I feel so sad for her, because she is so alone. She has invested everything in me and I am afraid she would turn suicidal when we end. I am not on an ego trip here, I don't want that from her, I know I'm not worth it. But she has done some stupid things and said some really horrible things after our talks.

 

Last time I told her I wanted to be done, she had a panic attack, and fainted in my car. I want so badly to take her to the hospital but she won't let me, because she doesn't have insurance. She has done this twice now. What am I supposed to do? I feel I have to take care of her, and when I do, she says that if I wanted to be done I wouldn't take care of her.

 

I don't want to hurt her and I don't know how to get away from her, because she will not let me go. I try and stand my ground, and she refuses to leave my car.

 

Any advice would be appreciated on my situation.

[browneyedgirl36]

Wow...I feel for you. This same thing happened to me, except I'm a woman, and I was the one doing the breaking up. My high school boyfriend and I didn't go to the same university, but we were about 2 hours away from each other. In our first year of university, I felt we had grown apart, and I tried to break up with him, and he got so worked up -- crying hysterically, begging, etc., that I felt so guilty that I told him I was "confused" and that I didn't mean it. Inside, though, I was SICK. I HAD meant it; I didn't want to be with him anymore. It felt like he was my brother -- there was no attraction on my part, and I knew he wasn't the person I was supposed to spend my life with.

 

It took me another 18 months to work up the nerve to break things off, and I finally did it when I couldn't stand it anymore -- I was at the point where I didn't even want to see him anymore, I actually resented him for not "letting" me break up with him; when I did see him, on breaks from school, etc., I could barely stand to be around him, everything he did bugged me, I felt totally trapped.

 

Finally, after making myself sick over the guilt, not sleeping, not eating for ages, I knew I had to break up with him. I did it over the phone -- something I'm not proud of -- because I knew that if I tried to do it in person, he'd get hysterical, and I wouldn't be able to go through with it, AGAIN. He DID get hysterical, crying, etc., and we talked for about 2 hours before hanging up. I felt HORRIBLE, but I knew I had to do it. He called me two days later to tell me that he thought it was really crappy of me to break up with him over the phone, and I agreed with him and agreed to take the train up to where he was and talk to him in person. I did, about two weeks after the break-up, and it was fine. We actually ended up keeping in touch sporadically for a long time after that; he's now married and has two kids, so I doubt my breaking up with him back in 1991 had any significant damaging effects on him.

 

In your case, I understand why you feel so bad, but it sounds like she's being really manipulative -- refusing to leave your car, becoming "ill" when you try to break up with her (I put that in quotes because, quite frankly, I'm not convinced she really had a panic attack); then, when you feel guilty and take care of her, she takes that as a sign that you don't want to break up with her -- she's taking any act of kindness from you as a sign that you want to be with her forever.

 

You need to break up with her and stand your ground. Keep repeating, if necessary, "This relationship is not working for me; I do not see myself with you in the future." When she cries, say, "I am sorry you feel badly, but at some point you will realize, as I do, that this is for the best for both of us." If she asks why, tell her -- be honest - you've grown apart, you don't see the two of you together forever, etc. -- whatever your reason is. Be tactful, but firm. Don't be overly apologetic. You can be sorry that you are hurting her without conveying that that you aren't confident in your decision. Be sure that you convey that confidence. If she has a "panic attack," even if you're not sure if it's real, then you certainly should make sure she gets to a doctor, but...beyond that, she's not your responsibility. Ultimately, she has to learn to stand on her own, and any "sign" from you that you are "taking care of her" may just keep her hope alive and keep her manipulating you into staying with her.

 

The bottom line is that most -- if not all -- of us will be dumped at some point or another in our lives. It hurts. It can be devastating, but if a relationship isn't working, it isn't working. If both peoples' hearts aren't in it equally, it's not going to work. If one person wants out, there is nothing the other person can do. Sometimes, we're just not right for someone -- or vice versa -- and the kind, courageous thing to do is to not only recognize that, but to end the relationship and let both parties be free to find the one who IS right for them.

 

Keep us posted on what happens. I hope you are able to resolve this.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone - i totally agree with browneyedgirl. don't let her emotionally blackmail you. find the number of the counseling services on campus, and give it to her. she can't trap you in this relationship forever, it takes 2 people to make it work, not just one person who really wants it. hang in there. break it off, be firm. don't let her manipulate you.

[mrjonathandude]

So when I talk to her about this and tell her I'm done, and she passes out next to me which I am almost certain will happen, what am I to do? She has no one here except me. Do I just leave her be and walk out? Or take her to the hospital? honestly, it scares the crap out of me when she cries herself to unresponsiveness but I don't know what to do...

[Dioufy]

I would just try to make it as painless as possible for her, as you're in that stage where it wouldn't affect you as much as it would her. If you do do it though mate, please consider how they will feel and explain everything in a nice way.

[annie24]

hm, maybe break up at a cafe accross the street from a hospital? if she starts acting wacky, call 911. don't let her emotionally blackmail you.