Does this make a breakup harder?

[jd21]

Do you think that it's true that if you have had sex with your ex it is harder to get over them when you break up? I was with my ex for almost three years and we didn't have sex although we were very close to it before he broke up with me. We are both young and I just wasn't ready yet until recently. I also thought we'd be together for a very long time so I felt no need to rush things. He wanted to since we were together for a few months but he accepted my decision and never once pressured me. As soon as I was ready it seemed that things went downhill. I do regret not doing it with him since he was my first love and I still love him more than anything. The thought of him having sex for the first time with someone else kills me. I can not possibly imagine this being any harder than it already is but do you think that had we done it, it would have made a difference? Also, do girls get more attached after doing it then guys? He says that he has hope for us and you never know what will happen in the future but if he is intimate with a girl before then, won't it be so hard to get back together? Any advice would be so helpful.

[Vi]

Umm...personally, I don't think so. In my situation it didn't help at all that we were each other's firsts

[neva_black_n_white]

hey.

i guess it is obviously what your personal view of sex is and upon what level you are considering this to be.

some people see a difference in having what could be said as 'just sex' and then seeing more importance as such things as 'making love' there are as i can see, many different levels upon which you can take this.

 

i believe that you personally may find in difficult as you say:

The thought of him having sex for the first time with someone else kills me. I can not possibly imagine this being any harder than it already is

 

i believe in saying this that you will find it difficult if given the chance to get back with him, as it is seen through this that it is very important to you, and also the aspect of waiting so long. with him being the 'love of your life' as such this will be a difficult aspect and area to get your head around anyway.

 

personally i feel that it could make it that little bit more difficult dependant upon the situation.

 

as for th do women become more attatched afterwards. then i believe that both men and women were given the same empotions and are therfore equal to how they feel afterwards. it may be seen more that women seem to be attatched but im guessing it is very likely in men also!

 

just my opinions for you.

kel

[Vi]

*nods* I agree, my ex and I "made love" and "had sex" and I believe it's too different things. Towards the end of our realtionship it was just sex, and that (i believe) doesn't hold any meaning.

[jd21]

Thank you for all of the advice. Now that I look back I regret not having done it with him and I think that if I had this would all be easier. Does that make any sense? It's just one regret I have.

[neva_black_n_white]

hey.

im sorry that you regret that one aspect. but think to yourself, at that moment of time you were true to yourself and the belief on that one particular aspect. you may regret it now, but you also may have regretted it then if you had gone through with it.

 

good luck in life, if there are any other questions im willing to attempt in answering.

kel

[jd21]

I think I may have made a big mistake the last time my ex and I talked. He was saying how we may get back together in the future but I told him that if he did have sex with someone in between I don't think I'd be able to get over that if we got back together. As soon as I said it I realized I shouldn't have and that it's unfair to him. I was being honest though. If he is intimate with another girl I think it would be so hard to deal with if we were to get back together. Does anyone else agree?

[avman]

"If you love something set it free, if its yours it will come back to you"

 

This quote has been repeated many times on the site and its a good one. What it means is to set it completely free - not set it free with conditions.

 

I do understand that you were just being honest with him. But now you've planted that seed of guilt in him that he gets to carry around with him everywhere he goes. So he's not actually free. He is still tied to you. Because if he has sex with someone else you will consider he has "cheated" on you. He is being judged as someone still in a relationship, when in reality he is not.

[jd21]

avman, you make a very good point. I don't want him to feel as though he is still in the relationship when we obviosuly aren't together. All I can do is apologize to him and tell him that I shouldn't have said it.