thinking of calling it quits.

[postscript]

Anyone who has read any of my threads probably knows that I am deeply in love with my partner, whom I have been with for two years now, and I want nothing more in life than for him & I to work out. He broke up with me and over that month I spent the whole time fixing my life, and now I am exactly where I want to be. We got back together, but perhaps it was too soon. I don't think it changes anything, anyway.

The only thing keeping me down is him.

Tonight I am honestly contemplating calling it quits - something I have not contemplated in the whole two years.

I am petrified, I am heartbroken, I am hurting... so much.

He leaves in five days to travel around the country for a month, and I figured since there's only a few days left, he'd want to see me, spend some time with me.

Basically the last four days has been me asking "Can we hang out sometime soon?"

I asked him tonight the same question (over text) - he replied:

"I already said yes to that."

That kind of hurt me. To me it shows he doesn't want to see me.

Why should I be with someone who promises me all these things: Tells me he loves me, that he wants it to work - yet his actions show the EXACT opposite.

I feel I deserve better, and I feel like every word that comes out of his mouth is nothing near sincere.

I want to call it quits. I want nothing more than to yell, to scream, to cry, to tell him how hurt I am - To ask him why he can sit at home night after night doing nothing -- Yet he can't spare me even an hour.

 

I feel so confused. Half of me is saying that I deserve better, that I should tell him I never want anything to do with him ever again, that I don't even want to hear his name again -- and half of me is saying that I need this, I want this, I want it to work, I want him in my life.

I am exhausted, and so hurt that he can tell me how much he loves me, and he promises me that he wants to be with me... yet doesn't bother to show me the slightest bit of attention or care.

He has totally defiled the word 'love', and ruined my trust in other people.

I constantly question people's sincerity now, in anything they say.

 

I just need to vent guys. I'm not even sure if you can give me advice - I think it's clear what I SHOULD do but it's not what I WANT to do.

[kuiks8]

have you had a discussion with him regarding how you feel?

[postscript]

have you had a discussion with him regarding how you feel?

 

Yes. Many.

Last night we had a GREAT conversation for about an hour over the phone.

He told me that he "knows" he has been treating me badly, and he said that he honestly does want to be with me - and I believe that much. I know if he didn't want to be with me, he would break up with me again. Which is the part I don't understand.

It drives me crazy.

He tells me he does want to be with me, that he wants nothing more than for us to work - but he can't even be bothered picking up the phone to say hi, or reply to my messages which I send probably every two days. Sometimes one a day (and once he doesn't reply, I give up).

I've told him everything. He knows how hurt I am. He knows I am exhausted, and my depression is now at an all-time low. I ask him if he cares - stupid thing to do, of course he will say yes, but now I no longer believe that.

I've asked him what he wants, I've asked him what I should do now (I've tried leaving him alone, that didn't work, I tried being in his life, and talking to him, that also didn't work) and last night he said that I just need to keep doing what I am doing - and he will change,

I know that can't happen overnight but it just hurt me that today he said he'd most likely see me tonight, but then tonight, said he was seeing his friend who he's seen the last five days in a row. (Not that I'm counting.)

[postscript]

He's going to be home in about fifteen minutes, so I'm going to call him then.

I think what I'm most scared of is that he will take the break up very lightly.

But the angry, bitter and hurt part of me wants him to hurt just as much as I do.

I know that's probably not healthy.

I just know that he'll say, "Well Kim, if that is what you want then so be it."

When deep down I just want him to beg and plead like I have so many times before.

[kuiks8]

well wanting to be with you and putting effort in to being with you are two different things. You can't stay with someone because you don't think they will hurt like you do. That's unhealthy for you.

I think you really need to look at what you are getting out of this relationship and if it is healthy and nurturing for you or if it is causing you more pain.

[Clabs]

Hi Kim

 

You know my views on this man and on your relationship and I think you would be doing yourself a great favour by walking away from this. How many times have you broken up and got back together gain? he tells you this and tells you that but nothing ever changes, does it? It is just the same crappy cycle over and over - rinse and repeat.

 

Do you remember these words?

 

"As hard as it seems I would back right away now. Look at his actions and don't listen to his words."

 

It is advice I gave you before and you bolded it because you thought it was good advice. Does that still stand?

 

I know you want him to hurt and to beg - like you have done - but it ain't gonna happen and even if it does - you'd just be going back to the laundry again.

 

I do think you deserve so much better than his treatment of you - he just can't be bothered with you - or he can - when it suits him.

 

Good luck honey.

 

Mark

[Litgirl01]

Without a doubt...you deserve better! Sounds like he is just not commited to the relationship! He is more commited to HIMSELF! A man who is commited to you and the relationship would have time to spend with you! I think you are settling for less than you normally in order to hang on to the relationship and put off the pain of loss! Loss hurts but it also opens you up for the relationship you deserve! (((hugs))) I'm right there with ya!!!

[postscript]

Guys I haven't called him.

I know he's home but I just can't call him. I don't want to pour my heart out to him, because I know he won't have anything to say - or worse...

I'm thinking if I do tell him I'm breaking up with him, that he might suddenly turn into the "victim" and he'll start begging and pleading - promising me this and that, and for the 50th time I will give in, believing in what he says.

I don't want to be weak and give in.

He messaged me an hour ago asking me if I wanted to talk still.

I just said that I wanted to have a proper talk about everything (something I know he hasn't been willing to do), and that I would call him in the next few days.

If curiosity gets the better of him he will most likely call me tomorrow, and if I am ready I will bite the bullet and just tell him how exhausted I am, how much I need to leave him, because he's only making my life worse.

 

Mark: It's true, I have broken up with him so many times in two years, every time he would come crawling back, promising me the world, and we would be the perfect couple for a month, maybe two at most, and he would revert to his old ways (the "real" him, I suppose)

 

I guess I have finally realised I deserve better, and I know a lot of family and friends would say "Thank GOD!" right now if they knew I had just admitted that!!

[Litgirl01]

I went through that with my ex ex! I suppose I should be glad that the current ex just broke up and stuck to it! It hurts now...but better in the long run!

[postscript]

He called me this morning at 5am. I'd taken sleeping tablets at about 2am so I was feeling very groggy and dazed, I was surprised I even heard the phone.

After awhile of small talk, I asked him why he called, and told him I'd really like some sleep. He said he'd been up all night going crazy, he read my mind and knew I wanted to break up.

I didn't reply because I didn't want to pour my heart out right then, and then he told me he was outside in his car and he had been contemplating coming in for ten minutes. (He only lives about 2 or 3 min drive away, so it didn't shock me that much)

I told him not to come in (quite frankly I knew I looked like crap and didn't want to see him! hahaha) but I was willing to talk considering how upset and worried he was.

Straight away I felt guilty. I felt bad. I didn't want to hurt him. He has hurt me so much but I can't so much as lay a proverbial finger on him because I care for him too much.

We spoke for about an hour, and during that time he drove home because he couldn't sit outside my house any longer and not see me.

I told him how I felt, how exhausted I am, how hurt and heartbroken I am, how I no longer even trust anything he says. He has been sober for four days (not a long time, but amazing for him) and he was thinking very clearly for the first time since our breakup, and I think I actually hit a nerve with some things I said to him. I think he really realised what he has done and how broken our relationship is.

He told me he wished we were back to how we used to be, and I simply said that we could be, but instead of talking through our problems he chose to simply run away, take the easy way out, and break up with me - which in the process really really hurt me.

At the end of the conversation he asked if he had another chance.

I told him that because he was going away soon, I wasn't sure what I wanted.

I told myself I would never be in a long distance relationship, and six months isn't a long time I know, but I need more than a few phonecalls every week for six months straight, I'm not like that, I can't deal with distance.

He told me that he didn't deserve another chance, that I had given him so many over the past two years, but he honestly said he wanted us to work.

I'm still very undecided, I feel weak. I don't want to give in, but so much of me really wants him, and wants this to work, and wants the old boyfriend back, the one who treated me like a princess, didn't do drugs every day, never raised his voice, never swore at me, never hurt me, and treated me exactly as I treated him. I feel he has gone entirely off the rails and now with everything going on in his life, and his addiction back, that he cannot commit to me anymore, and he doesn't have the capacity to care about anyone else now. For the past few weeks he has shown that all he cares about are his wants and needs. He couldn't spare me even an hour of his time to hang out, knowing full well he has five days until he leaves for a month.

So yeah, I am still undecided. He said he'd call today, and we might meet up.

I guess all I'm wanting is for him to prove to me that he means all this.

I'm praying to god that when we meet up he shows me something, shows how serious he is, and that he is committed. I know he can, he's done it before and if I mean everything to him like he says, he should know that all I want is effort, and for it to be 50/50.

[Nola]

I dont know if I can help, but I felt exactly the same, he had no time for me, and I always made time for him in my life. I feel like such an idiot doing everything I could to make him happy but it still didnt seem enough. He said he loved me more than anything but he didnt really act it, so you do begin to believe that words mean nothing. He has totally ruined my trust in people (I wasnt very trusting to begin with) Obviously his cheating has really screwed that up but the fact he is still saying he loves me makes me think he doesnt even know what love is.....For a while, I kept thinking 'If I was rational, Id break up with him' but love isnt rational, you cant just cut off your feelings. I hope you can come to a decision, whichever one you make, you will probably feel it was the wrong one for a while but you just have to go with your gut instinct. Good luck xx