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No blame split... opinions required pls


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Hi everyone, this is my first post so hope I don't do anything wrong!


Me and my boyf lived together for five years until about a month ago, when he ended the relationship during a row. We had just finished four months of relationship counselling which we both thought had helped - but the week we stopped going, he went back to his old ways (irresponsible with money)... which led to the row and split.


He said our relationship had not been going well for 18 months - I'd agree with that, partly due to outside factors, partly due to 6 months of anxiety attacks I went through, partly him being rubbish with money and responsibilities.


BUT I was optimistic about the counselling having helped matters, we'd made exciting new plans for holidays etc and (up til the fateful day) he had been making an effort to be more grown up with money. I guess it was the straw that broke the camel's back. We just didn't know where to go from there...


One of our biggest issues is our difficult age gap: I'm 34 and he's just turned 28. I'm looking to buy a house, while he still wants to spend all his wages on partying all the time.


Anyway, he packed some clothes and moved back to his mum's house the next day. I work from home and obviously now live in our shared flat alone, so I took the split really hard, I felt terribly lonely and everything reminded me of things we'd shared. I called him up a few times upset and crying (oh no!), he admitted he is finding it hard like I am, and that he has made 'no plans' to move out from his mum's yet. I would like us to reconcile, but we need to find a way of sorting our issues out first, considering our track record. The problem is I can only afford the rent on our flat for another four months. That kind of puts a time limit on things!


My situation feels difficult because there is no blame - we still love each other as much as day 1, we just can't seem to stop going round in circles. He feels that he can never be the man I want him to be, while I just don't want to have to act like his mum dishing out pocket money.


Despite orignially saying he needed a break to recharge his batteries, he now seems happy to have made the break and doesn't reply if I say I miss him. I am less stressed too, to be perfectly honest, and four weeks in I am now concentrating on doing things for me - joining the gym, signing up for a training course, weekends visiting friends etc. But I can't help wanting us to give it another try. We are still in LC (both him and me) and he is coming round this week to pick up a few more bits.


Wow... what an essay, sorry!


I would appreciate any advice.... thanks

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Hey Panda - welcome to ena - and no - you didn't do anything wrong!


Five years is a long time to be together so it is going to be hard being apart.


It seems like you have had problems in the past and it is good that you tried to sort out your differences with counselling, but he doesn't seem to want to sort it out really, does he? He goes straight back to his old ways. It is all well and good wanting to go out and let your hair down once in a while but going out partying all the time can get through some serious cash.


I don't think your age difference has much to do with it - it is more your levels of maturity or in his case his immaturity. He should be looking to grow up a bit and instead of that, you feel like mum, doling out pocket money. God knows, finances are hard enough to balance these days and it is sure to put a strain on your relationship with him likely resenting you for holding the money back.


You seem to be on completely different pages in your life - and going back seems to be going back to the same old crappy cycle, doesn't it?


He went back to his mums to recharge his batteries and now seems happy there. You say that you feel less stressed since this all happened. It sounds to me that there is a sense of relief on both sides that this has happened.


I know that you feel that this is worth another shot, but do you miss him or do you miss the familiarity of a relationship? It sounds like it may be the latter.


You are starting to go and do things for you and this is a great move - we often neglect "our" stuff when we are in a relationship.


The question is, what are you going to do about living arrangements assuming this is a done deal? I think you really do need to think about that seriously. I also think you really need to think about what you want. You know what you want but you weren't getting it, were you? Aren't you better off looking out for someone who does share your values - who doesn't stress you out? Don't you deserve a relationship that is not such hard work? I think you know this answer.


It is sad when things come to an end but it is important to realise that things will not change and you'll be stuck in the same old same old. Only you can sort that out. You are still young and you can and will do better than this.


Take care - i know it is tough.



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Hi Mark,


You speak a lot of sense! One of the reasons I 'hung on' so long was because I went through a similar stage of irresponsibility as my ex in my 20s, which made me think he would grow out of it. I guess I should realise now that waiting for him to grow up is just a dead end for me.


I have good days (like yesterday when I wrote my post) and bad days (like today when I woke up feeling like it was the end of the world) and I guess this is not helped by having all his stuff around. I need to draw a line somewhere. Maybe the end of the month? Oh god but it's so HARD!!


Thanks for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it.


Panda x

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Hey Panda


It sucks - doesn't it - the non-linearality of all this stuff - up days - down days - throw you around.


It doesn't sound like he is going to sort himself out, does it? That is sad because it is so hard to find the right partner in life - people all too easily throw it all away. But I have learnt that you sure cannot change people - they are either in or they are out. You tried with councelling and that didn't work either - I guess it is called flogging a dead horse.


Things will be hard for you - particularly with all his stuff around as a reminder but you are right - you do need to draw a line somewhere - for your own sanity.


Try and keep strong hun - better days will come, but for now, try and keep yourself really busy - if a crappy day comes along, try and get out of the house - go for a run, go for a drive, go out with the girls.


Come back here as often as you need - it really will help you.



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Hi Panda,


Perhaps pack up your things and move overseas to be with your previous boyfriend who still loves you... Wishful thinking for me with my previous ex...


I'm with Clabs on this one. I think that the break up is timely. With all the money and time spent trying to fix it, then to have it fall back the same way. It's time to move on and start looking after yourself.


Start looking now for a new flatmate or a room in another flat that you can afford. Give yourself some time to reflect on the realtionship, the goods and the bads, and spend some time with us here on ENA for support.

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