Am I going crazy over nothing? Is it really nothing?

[lissa23]

** I am copying and pasting this for a friend of mine**

 

Am I overreacting? or do I have something to be nervous about... My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 5, almost 6 years!! I am two years older than him... He is 25 and I am 27. Recently he has been hanging out with this girl from work a lot. He says they are like best friends at their firm and that there is a lot of office politics and because they get along and they do majority the same kind of work they tend to float to each other and that is why they are so close. They eat lunch almost every day and I've started to realize that they have started to text message each other (a lot of it has to do with work but there are some flirtatious jokes back and forth). I also have notice that they go for coffee on the weekends and things like that. I know about a few occasions but there are times that I don't know about. I don't live with my boyfriend so there are days where I'm not sure where he is - whether he is with his friends or with her. I know that he would never cheat on me and I've met the girl before and she honestly seems like a friendly girl who wouldn't do that to another woman... even though I do feel threaten by her. But not as much as I feel threaten that my boyfriend may have feelings for her.

 

I know that I don't trust him right now... and it drives me insane because every time I think something is happening and I snoop or try to figure things out and question him, I come out with nothing. But recently they have gotten fairly close and I know he talks to her at night. My boyfriend had gone through a tragic time about 2 years ago when his mother passed away and he had always told me the last couple of years have been blurry and that they seem almost at a standstill. I know that this girl and him talk about death a lot because recently her father passed away and they *click* that way. I just don't understand why he can't talk to me about it and how he is opening up to this other woman.

 

My worst fear right now is thinking that I am just making excuses for him. Saying that he is only confiding with her because they have common ground and really just dusting the dirt under the rug. If it is plain obvious that my boyfriend could possibly be in love with another girl... I need to know. Because it is tearing me apart...

[Censored]

Well, i believe your friend should be concerned, however the more she snoops and becomes paranoid the further she will push him away.

 

It is also not good for her to be doing any of these things. She needs to ask her boyfriend to ease it off with this office girl. If he doesn't respect that, then there is a problem.

 

I am basing this on the assumption that this is the first time he has started being emotionally close to another girl whilst they have been dating.

[orangesoda]

I'm sorry but I think that 9/10 times, the more involved 2 people get emotionally, it eventually leads to attraction, and if one or both are in a relationship, invariably, that relationship suffers as a result.

 

If anything, an emotional affair is worse than a physical affair, because emotional affairs are incredibly hard to break off - you think about this other person more and more, and soon they become a priority over others in your life.

 

I think that your BF is treading in dangerous waters - unfortunately you are caught in the middle. Honestly I don't know how to advise you except that you need to protect yourself.

 

Try to communicate your concerns to him in a non-threatening manner. You don't want to issue an ultimatum because you will be forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do - lose this connection he's spent so much energy and emotion cultivating.

 

Talk to your BF.

[lissa23]

She writes in response.

 

** I have spoken to my boyfriend and he ASSURES me that nothing is going on. He says that she is a great person to talk to and is just all around fun at work so that is why they are so close. They consider each other more of a brother and sister (???). I'm trying to protect myself. I'm extremely close with his family... and I see his siblings and cousins a lot. Nothing has changed from that, but I think in the last few months it's just been noticeably different in the fact that he still acts like he's 22 (he's 25 going on 26) and he hangs out with his "buddies" a lot and now this new girl and him go for coffee and talk late at night. I see him probably once a week. And to be honest, not only am I completely heartbroken about the fact... I am getting OLD. I thought by now we would be getting married. And now I feel like this is just another hurdle to get there.

 

I've been having dreams that we are going to break up. And I keep seeing this scene that he breaks up with me and leaves me for her and tells me because when his mum passed away I was his crutch.

 

I guess this also plays into my trust and insecurity issues... but she is quite a bit younger than me... and she is a few years younger than my boyfriend.

[orangesoda]

I think your friend should reconsider if this relationship is what she really wants. And I've heard that line before 'oh we're like brother and sister'. Maybe in a blue moon, it's completely platonic, but I think the majority of these 'just friends' situations come with a bit of attraction and some sexual tension.

 

The fact that your friend sees her BF like 1x a week but he's going out for coffee with this girl and spending hours on the phone with her, late at night, is a BIG. RED. FLAG.

 

Either your friend puts her foot down (and it will be hard to do without starting a fight) or she's going to passively let this new relationship ruin the one she has now. She has to be more proactive with this - she's being shut out (maybe he's doing this consciously?) and the relationship is dying.

[Hope75]

If your 'friend's' boyfriend has been honest with her than I would trust him and relax about his friendship with this woman. How is this 'friend's' relationship with her boyfriend?

 

I have a very close male friend whom I work with and whom I went to school with. We were very close in school and went on to work together, and I consider him one of my best friends. He is recently married and has been with his now wife for 8+ years. I am getting married in a few months and have been with my fiance for almost 6 years. Both of us live with our S.O.'s and have for some time.

 

This friend and I will have lunch (or supper) together at work depending on our shift, go for a few drinks after work, usually with coworkers, and we will hang out outside of work, both with and without our S.O.'s, and we talk on the phone on a regular basis. I love him as a friend but have no desire to have a relationship with him, I love my fiance dearly and am 100% faithful, and my friend feels the same way about his wife.

 

I believe men and women can be just friends and unless this guy has a history of cheating or is acting shady or hiding things from his gf or treating her badly, he deserves the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like this 'friend' of yours and this other woman have met so he's being honest on both sides about the friendship.

 

Has this guy ever cheated?

[Girl79]

I'd be worried about this guy. There are huge red flags here. You are his girlfriend, yet he seems you once a week and hangs out with her all the time? Why isn't he confiding in you instead of this other girl? They are developing a strong bond and you are being left out and that is NOT right. Not to mention you have been with him for 5 years and you still don't even live together. It sounds like you two are not on the same page when it comes to settling down and building a future together. Have you talked to him about what he wants out of the relationship?

I'd think seriously about leaving the relationship if you find out he doesnt want what you want. Don't you want someone who wants to spend his time with YOU instead of some other girl?

[Shann0n]

I thought I post my own response... and really come clean with MY problems in a new thread...

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

They'll end up together. People are MIND numbing predictable.