How can I stop?

[darkness1235]

ok, well, I dont cut... Im gonna start it off with that. But instead of cutting, I do something differently... I scratch my arm repeatedly until my skin peels off. Ive done it at least eighteen times (I got eighteen scars on my arms) and the scars look like I burned myself... Im basically dissappointed in myself, because it had been at least a month or more that I hadnt done it, and about a week ago I did it again. I have two injuries now, and my dad asked what happened, and Im pretty sure he has SOME idea of whats going on but still... I dont wanna do this anymore, but its what I resort to when Im feeling low... It was either this or drinking pills (which I did last about... 2-3 weeks ago, but I dont take that many... just 12) but either way I wanna stop. That way I wont feel like a hypocrite when my sister cuts and I tell her not to. Can anyone help me on how not to do it?

 

-TATY-

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Hey Taty,

 

I know its hard and you did so well to last an entire month! Over a month. Thats really something to be proud of okay?

 

I know how hard it is to fight this. Its an addiction, it will never be easy. But the thing is if you made it over a month you can do that again and then make it a little longer. You can fight the urge. I believe that you can do it.

 

When your low is there anything else you can do to distract yourself? Come online and post to us? Write someone a letter or write more poetry (your quite the writer =]). Anything at all? Calling a friend or family member?

 

Is there anyway you could talk to your dad? I only ask because you said you think he knows whats going on, and he asked you out of concern right? Maybe he could help you.

 

You can PM me any time you feel you need to. Im on here pretty much everyday so i will do my best to reply to you as soon as possible.

 

Stay safe darkness.

 

ABD xx

[darkness1235]

ok, well... today my mom asked me about it (we dont live with her, but we went today as it is mother's day) and I had no choice but to tell her about it. I guess I feel a bit better now but I dunno. She asked me to promise her I wouldnt do it anymore. As for the talking and writing yeh I do that, and my friends are there but, not everyone answers when u most need them, regardless of what they say, I dunno they're probably busy, so it's not like im left with no other choice but sometimes writing isnt enough, or I just dont have the inspiration... btw thanx ABD, for the compliment and thx both for the help ^^

-TATY-

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

I understand that smetimes writing isnt enough, in fact sometimes writing can be quite triggering for me. It gets out how your feeling and then reading it you want to go through with the actions written.

 

Friends aren't always reliable. I know that too. Its hard when the person you need most just isn't around or doesn't answer the phone. But it sounds like you have a decent relationship with your parents, sorry if im wrong, talk to them next time?

 

Im glad you told your mum, and that you feel a little better. Try and keep your promise to your mum. It will mean alot to her. The urges really are the hardest to fight. But each time is a little easier.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[Jeen]

I do understand when you say you sometimes don't feel like writing, things that helps when I feel this way are sometimes to just sit and listen to every sound I can hear and to know where and what are making them. To take a object and think of different ways to use it. I have one of these little zen gardens "Everyone calls it my sand box" where I have these minuter tools to make patterns in the sand,it sometimes help as-well. One of my favorites is to beat the crap out of my pillows, or to put some elevator music on and to make my body flow with the music, to take a long walk to clear my mind."window shopping", or to go to my favored coffee shop and to have a cup of coffee and to be between people to keep my mind and thoughts somewhere els till the urges are gone.

 

It all depend where I am when everything go's "bad"

[darkness1235]

Its just, Im usually alone at my room when suddenly I just feel the weight of the world drop on my shoulders, even if for no reason. Like yesterday, I had an urge very badly to cut, I mean, I just started crying out of nowhere, then stopped, then started again, and I dunno... Maybe it was the pressure of school... At least I didnt cut. I just wrote an email to my bf, though I find it pathetic, and got my mind off of it. But I just, I find myself so pathetic at those times, I dont even WANT TO write him an email every time it gets to me... Besides, it happens a lot...

-TATY-

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

I really do understand. I get the same way. One moment i will be the happiest person in the world the next i will be down. And nothing will have happened.

 

Have you ever seen a therapist? They can actually help, its good to get everything out.

 

Dont feel pathetic about emailing your bf im sure his happy to get your emails and know that you will be okay because of it. Rather then have you hurt yourself more.

 

You are not pathetic. You are a strong, talented girl. A great writer and a brave fighter. You are far from pathetic.

[darkness1235]

Thanks ABD, you really help a lot but still, I dunno. Ive always found myself pathetic, and Ive always thought I wasnt worth anything, always had self-confidence issues, usually Ive had my self esteem like low on the floor... and I dunno how to fix it. And I dont know why Im like that. Like, no matter how many ppl say Im beautiful and that I mean everything to them, that Im worth a lot and that Im awesome, I seem to think the contrary. I know thats a very common problem with women, especially around my age, and it sucks a lot. I mean just waking up in the morning, and weighing myself, to see if Ive gained anything, and like seeing that I weigh 116 (which is actually good for my age & height like, Im not overweight or underweight) kinda breaks my day... I dunno, basically every little detail sorta overpowers everything and becomes one big giant ball that falls on me... and I still need help on pushing the ball away...

-TATY-

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Im glad im being some help. I really am. You seem like such a lovely person darkness, i wish you could see the good things you have not the negatives. I kind of understand how you feel though. Its so hard. When people compliment me a negative runs straight through my head that contradicts that compliment. I also have self esteem and self confidence issues and they are hard to break out of.

 

As for the weight i suggest doing your best to stay away from the scales. I weight myself whenever i enter my bedroom and whenever i leave. If the scale goes up i feel so physically ill. I have had problems with food in the past. Its not the way to go. You are an amazingly beautiful girl from the inside, and im sure from the outside too. Try to listen to what they say. Try to believe us. Because when its yourself thats the only person your fighting it sends you in circles.

 

I hope you feel a little better soon hun. Keep fighting sweetie. I believe in you.

[darkness1235]

Thanks... and believe me I try, but its like, unconsciously, I wake up, go to the bathroom, and I weigh myself. And I dunno, everytime I look in the mirror, I hate what I see, and Ive tried to like, believe what people say, and I admit, I have my "pretty" days, but all in all, I think I'm ugly. Im sure if I post a pic of me, ppl will be all "omg, youre so pretty, why would you feel that way?" but I find it SO hard to believe. And, my head is driving me nuts... like Im getting headchaes every day, and my legs hurt every day, which drives ne nuts-er. I dont know whats wrong with me, but sometimes I wish I was sick just so I could make it better. Like Im really am tired of taking pills (which surprises me because I enjoy it) but at least they help, and I dunno wats wrong anymore, and that bothers me. *sighs*... Dunno, feeling frustrated lately...

-TATY-

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Heyy,

 

I think you need to find a professional to talk to about all these things. Have you been to a doctor about your headaches and leg pains? Leg pain could be cramps, in which case if you take magnesium it should help you after a week or two. Thats what they gave me and it really did work. The tablets were just big so i stopped taking them lol. Also my mother and grandmother take 50g of orginial chips a day and say that that works. Because of the salt.

 

Drinking more water can help with headaches. But its better to talk to a doctor about it.

 

Remember that you are you every day. So if you have pretty days, it means your generally pretty. You just lack the confidence to believe it every day. Do you notice that you feel alot happier on your pretty days?

[darkness1235]

thx... it really helps to have someone there... but Ive been so frustrated lately... like just itching to hurt, but thank God Ive been clean for... like two weeks I think... I dont remember. *sighs* My legs hurt so much right now. usually, the stop after I take pills, but the headache left, but the leg pain is still here... (I suffer from pain in my legs since I was like.. eight. Not everyday pains, but lately they have been. Though I havent gone to the doc yet.) I promised my aunt I wouldnt do it too... so thats two ppl already, and so far Ive kept it. Like I havent hurt myself, since before mother's day... so... progress yay! lets hope I stay like this

-TATY-

[darkness1235]

oh and yeh... I do feel happier on them

-TATY-

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Im glad you have kept your promise thats awesome!! Really proud of you. Its something really hard to do and to just stop for two entire weeks is great. That means you can keep going now. I believe in you.

 

Okay well what you have to remember is that you are the same person every single day. You don't look drastically different on certain days. If you agree you are pretty some days, then you are pretty all days. Perhaps you just don't have the confidence on those days. Its more likely for you to have a few bad days then a few good days. So your beautiful, remember that

[darkness1235]

thx, but I dont feel that way... I know my face doesnt have plastic surgery on soma days, but I see myself differently. LIke, my opinion of myself is differently on my pretty days. Lately Ive been having pretty days, but they change... The promise is hard to keep, but I try... lately my body's been hurting soo much, I cant afford to bring any more pain to it... I saw that you've been hurting urself again... you shouldnt do that hun, it doesnt help. You can always pm me if you need someone to talk to, Im here for you, just like youve been here for me. =D. Take care hun luv ya

-TATY-

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Well im not glad your bodys been hurting, but i suppose its good that its helped you stop for now at least. I know the promise is so hard but you are strong. Stronger then even you know, this can prove it to you.

 

Could it be perhaps on the days you are happy with life you can see the good in yourself, and the days where life seems to get you down makes you feel like you don't look great? Its like with eating disorders, its never only about the weight, theres always the underlying issues. Perhaps if you can find the root to your unhappiness you will be able to see yourself for who you are everyday.

 

But thats just some random thoughts.

 

Thanks for your concern hun. It means alot. But i'm okay really, gotta stay strong

[darkness1235]

*sighs* well havent been here in a while... but sadly the other day I CUT! >.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Im so sorry life is hard at the moment darkness, you deserve to be happier and one day i assure you you will be.

 

I know what you mean, i live with my grandparents, they drive me up the wall!

 

But its good that you're ready to start over again, a slip up is simply that. If you lasted almost a month before, means you can do it again. And this time you can last longer. You can beat this. I know you can.

[darkness1235]

Thanks. But there are moments (like right now) when I just feel so crappy and on the verge of crying for no apparent reason. I get shaky and I just, I dunno have a mood swing. Though Ive been like this the whole day today, and lately too. Problem is I also keep it inside usually, I find it so pathetic to be ranting on and on about stupid things you feel for no reason when there are other things and other ppl to be worried about. To me I dont matter, so I dont really see why I should be bothering someone else with my problems, or my feelings. I will continue trying to not hurt myself though, kinda makes me a bit more pathethic (not calling people who SI pathetic, just me).

-TATY-

p.s. srry if I might seem a bit moody and b****y, if Im bit*** means there's something wrong =D

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Your not a bit** at all.

 

How about you tell us why your down.. It will get things out which always feels better.

 

I can honestly say you wont be bringing me down. I want to listen to you.

 

What ya think?

[girl friend]

Such a heart breaking question

How do you stop?

 

Theres some techniques which can help though, ultimately it is your own choice. The first is to intellectualise - to understand what self-injury is, why you're doing it, what it represents, and what the problems are 'behind the injuries.' Chances are the scratching gives you some feelings of relief.

 

What pain is there in your past that you are not dealing with? Do you feel lonely? Afraid? Miserable? Depressed? Do you hate yourself? Whats been going on? Do you blame yourself? Is this all rooted in your past? Is it a cycle of abuse once started long ago?

 

Understanding that the self injury is working for you can help you to realise what it is really about. Then you just need to find adaptive ways of dealing with those emotions. How about an online journal? How about talking to someone - yes even a therapist.. IT can be v helpful to get an objective perspective here.

 

Its basically about learning new ways to handle those emotions. I know i've made it sound so simple here - its not. ITs hard, self-injury is addictive. IT gives a release. Instantly. No other coping mechanism gives the same 'high' almost as SI. But you must remember as im sure you know from your talk of shorts in summer, that SI is at a terrible price.

 

This thread might be of some help also:

 

 

Good luck.

girl friend

[darkness1235]

Thanks Girl friend thats helpful, though reading ur post I was like "Do you feel lonely? Afraid? Miserable? Depressed? Do you hate yourself? Whats been going on? Do you blame yourself? " reading that and in my mind going, "yes, no, yes yes yes yes yes" I do have a lot of unresolved issues, besides myself, that could possibly be leading to my SI. Ive just never been the type to rant on and on about whats wrong and why I dont feel good. Gives me a sense of being pathetic for some reason. It all kind of revolves around each other. I guess the only people I occasionally talk to are my sis, and a couple of friends, and its not even always, and I barely ever tell my bf that theres something wrong. Ive always been the type of person to pretend Im fine to hope to convince myself I am (which we all know never works). Its just to me, people have better things to worry about than me... Though for some weird strange reason, I feel like talking to someone now... Dont think I will though, maybe later I'll write...

-TATY-

p.s. about two weeks withoush SI yay!!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Talk to us hun. We are always here. Always.

 

I hope you do begin to talk about things because only when we accept that things arent okay. Only when we acknoledge that can we move on and be a happier person.

 

Congrats on your two weeks darkness thats awesome!!

[girl friend]

Why do you hate yourself?

Do you want to talk about those 'unresolved issues?'

 

Talk to us yeh? I know the feeling, ya know? The one that you must always be the strong one, and be there for everyone else without ever showing any sign of weakness yourself... but thats not true. you've gotta fight it. And take time out to deal with yourself yeh? Cuz you deserve to be happy and just like your there for ur friends you deserve to be listened to yourself. You sound an ace person! Sorry if my questions were a bit intense. Sometimes it helps people to start talking..

 

girl friend

Ps:

2 weeks! Fantastic FanTAsTic FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Talk to us..

[darkness1235]

*sighs* Sorry its just, its a long story... sadly Ive done it again, but its just the past week things in my house got unbearable. My sister gave me the same crap as usual, but hey it still hurts... it sucks that I quit for like two weeks and then start again... Right now I just feel...bleh! Im sure you all know the feeling... I feel so, indifferent to anything, like what happens to me when I dont feel anything at all... only now I just want to cry for some reason... Lately Ive been wanting to do that a lot... Like last time I just started crying a lot! for no reason at all... I feel, not ok... and right now I just want to talk to my boyfriend, and it pisses me off that I find something worthwhile and my sister always finds a way to make that suck. She keeps saying that Im too dependant on him but who is she to tell me how I love someone?? That bothers me a lot, but besides that theres the same things as before that still kinda bother me, like the fact that my mom is moving to NY with my litlle sibs and I wont get to see them, as if not living with them was enough... And my grandmother drives me as nuts as always maybe more these days especially with my aunt coming here tomorrow, and well SHE, she drives me nuts-er... Yeh... Don't feel like talking at the moment maybe I will another day =)

-TATY-