I just need someone to talk to..Plz help

[Justaman1979]

OK. Its a long story so I apologize, but without the whole story nothing will make sense.

 

I am a 28yr old recent college grad. I met my Current girlfriend at college 5yrs ago and we have been together since then. I am in love with her and I care for her very much, but recently there has been a situation that has came from the introduction of an old girlfriend of mine who I still hold feelings for. We will call the old girlfriend Jane D. for now.

 

Me and Jane D. were in a relationship before I came to college and the only reason we split was because we did not think that a long distance relationship was going to work for us, we tried and it got harder and harder. So we parted as good friends with lots of great memories together. I loved her then and will always hold a place for Jane in my heart, she is a great person.

 

after about a yr at college Jane moved to East TN where she met someone and got married, and by this time I had met my Current Girlfriend. Jane and I have kept in touch over the 5 years as friends always chatting about how we are doing and just keeping the friendship alive cause good friends are hard to come by.

 

NOW. After 5 yrs with my GF I hear from Jane D. that she is not longer married and has moved back to our home town, but now there is a twist, she is pregnant and scared, so I start talking to her more to help her through the pregnancy (the father is an ass who did not want to take responsibility). So here is someone I care about who is scared and in a tough situation.

 

I went home to visit family and go see Jane and give a little support to her and let her know that I still care. I think this was my first mistake. Seeing Jane after all these year brought a Flood of memories back to me, all the good times we shared the love we had for one another and even with her bulging from the child in her she still looked stunning. We went to get some food and talked about how we had been over the years it was a good time out with a friend. Later we were at her house watching a movie and we kissed, I know it doesn't sound like much but a kiss triggered a flood of emotions within me that I cannot explain

 

Since then we have been together again, she had her baby a beautiful girl, and she wanted to go out and celebrate, but she didn't know anyone in town anymore that she could trust and asked if I would go out with her and be the Designated Driver for her, so I did. That night was amazing we had dinner we ate and drank it was just like old times. We went to a local bar and danced and all was fine until she started kissing me and I kissed her. I know its wrong but it felt so right. I took her home and we made out. She wanted me, I wanted her, but I held back and we decided to stop before something happened. She understands that I am in a relationship and doesn't want to do anything to mess that up, she knows the position I'm in and respects that I do love my GF and am in a hard spot with all of this.

 

Since then she has expressed her love for me and how if I were to find myself in a single position again that she would love to rekindle what we had before. Here is where it gets difficult for me. I love my GF without a doubt, but I also love Jane D.. I have had thoughts here recently of leaving my gf of 5 years and getting back in a relationship with Jane d. Now I don't know if its our current situation of low income and lack of things to do in this small town or if I just want a change in my life, or if I'm just falling out of love with my GF. I don't know, Im only human and I don't know everything. What I do know is that either way I go in this decision I am going to hurt someone, and either way I go I am going to risk losing something great.

 

I just needed an outlet, thats why I'm here. I know that my feelings and thoughts for Jane are wrong. So say what you will I know that what I have done and the thoughts in my mind are wrong. I do not want to hurt my GF but a part of me does not want to miss out on the possibility of something great with Jane D.

 

BTW. Its not physical attration both women are beautiful, neither of them has more to offer than the other. I think I may just be looking for a change in my life. I dont know.

 

If nothing else thank you for reading this Im sorry it was so long

[Justaman1979]

Some detail I forgot to mention...

 

Me and my GF live together and have been for 3 years, she does know that I am friends with Jane D. she has even met her. I do not hide this factor from my GF. She just doesnt know about the feelings and thoughts I have about Jane.

 

sometimes I feel trapped in this relationship because of our financial situation I cannot afford to move out and if I leave she will have to move back in with her mother. She cannot afford her current bills and stay where we are now. Without the other either of us are in a difficult financial situation.

[george237]

Wow. I think you need to figure out who you are more compatible with and passonite for. I would not tell the GF only because it was only a makeout session.

[cs90453]

I feel that you're looking for a right or wrong but it's ultimately a choice you have to make. I wouldn't want to steer you in either direction. But I'd advise you to stay away from this other girl in any situations where you would be alone. You may end up doing something you regret.

[kuiks8]

I think everything happens for a reason as cliche as that sounds, people are brought in to your life to help you grow and change and learn...it sounds like you have a decision to make and some serious thinking to do...and the decision needs to be made because there are two women who are going to be impacted either way and now a baby...

You have to follow your own path but try to do it in a way that hurts the least amount of people...

[Justaman1979]

It feels really good to have some feedback on this situation.

 

Yes I do have a decision to make I know this and it scares the hell out of me. I know that this situation is going to hurt someone and I do not want to hurt anyone. I care for both of these women greatly, hurting either of them makes me feel sick. I know that my GF is a good person and that we could have a bright future together, but with what I have seen by being around Jane is how unhappy I am in my current situation.

 

The little amount of time I have spent with Jane has been so happy. NOW with that said about my current situation I don't know if it is being with my GF that is making me unhappy or if it is just the current situation we are living in at the moment (low income, the area we live in is crap) and the idea of going back to Jane is just a change and that is why I am happier around her.

 

I didn't say it before but thank you to all who have responded. Im not looking for an answer in here I know this is something I have to do, as the title states I just needed someone to talk to about this. I have made myself physically sick with all of this pent up inside, just posting my thoughts on here has felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

 

Thank you all

[kuiks8]

No problem at all...with what you just said you should be careful that you aren't falling in to the grass is greener...maybe take some time to evaluate and make a list ( i am a big fan of lists you will find out) list what you currently have in your life make a list of the positive and the negative and then list what you would like to have your life be like and then see if you can see your current girlfriend being part of the journey to get there of if Jane would be better suited OR door #3 should you be alone while you try to get the rest of your life figured out...

You sound really decent and you can tell you have no ill intentions so i hope you figure this out...If you ever need to talk...i am here

Blessings

[Excalibur]

I wouldn't see it as the situation hurting anybody - if done responsibly.

 

You're obviously not wanting marriage and commitment at this point. So breaking up with the fiance that does - allows her to heal and move on, find someone that wants what she wants.

 

As you're not ready for commitment and marriage - you'd want to be very ethical and straightforward with yourself brutually - and Jane D tactfully - that ou're not ready to make commitments in the heat of the moment, in uncertainty and choas - given that she has a child.

 

If she'd like to indulge in flirtatious and sexual interaction that isn't involving her child, her family, or any structure beyond gratification in the moment - that'd be fine...but until you're in a lifestyle and personal position of stability to offer her a partnership, ethically you're not goingn to engage in any semblance of a relationship - you're not goingn to lead her on and to believe at some point you'll become the step parent ot her child, and her partner in life.

 

Nobodys' hurt in that situation....inconvenienced yes - hurt, absolutely not.

[tangi39]

Do you want to jump from being engaged to being with a woman who has a child ?

That's just one big committment to another. Which, if you are this unsure, you shouldn't be with either. Why do you feel the need to be this woman's savior ? Be careful, she could just be looking for someone to be a father to her child. Maybe not even consciously, but this is a dangerous game you are playing.

Personally, I would break up with the fiancee AND stop hanging out with the other girl.

I don't think you love either IMHO. Or you wouldn't be leading both of them on so callously. If you loved your fiancee, you should have stopped seeing Jane after the first kiss. If you loved this other woman, you wouldn't be rushing into a relationship while she has not yet settled into her role as a single mother. Plus, you do NOT want to get attached to this child- I think you're in love with love.

Figure out why you can't commit and move on. Don't drag these women down with you.

[tangi39]

Besides, this woman says she respects your relationship but then keeps accepting you in her life with her new child and making out with you ?

 

Not only does she not respect your relationship, she does not respect herself or her child with this type of behavior. Harsh, but that's what I think- sorry.

[tangi39]

I'm sorry to tell you but you are hurting both of them already. I think you like the idea of her, but are you ready to be a father figure ?

How are you gonna deal with the real father- he'll be in that child's life forever.

You are having fun with Jane, but that's not real life.

When it hits, will you still be happy ?

[Enigmatika]

She understands that I am in a relationship and doesn't want to do anything to mess that up, she knows the position I'm in and respects that I do love my GF and am in a hard spot with all of this.

LOL....she is jerking your chain! Has you wrapped around her little finger good and tight...

I know that my GF is a good person and that we could have a bright future together, but with what I have seen by being around Jane is how unhappy I am in my current situation.

"Messing" with Jane and her insta-family is messing with your head.

The little amount of time I have spent with Jane has been so happy. NOW with that said about my current situation I don't know if it is being with my GF that is making me unhappy or if it is just the current situation we are living in at the moment (low income, the area we live in is crap)and the idea of going back to Jane is just a change and that is why I am happier around her.

Seems to me you have hit the nail on the head.

 

IF you went with Jane D. it would be less than a year that you would be regretting ever letting go of your GF. First Loves always hold a special place, but they in no way shape or form usurp the present reality. Never bank of "Fantasy"...you'll always go bust.

[j0shua]

"Messing" with Jane and her insta-family is messing with your head.

 

Never bank of "Fantasy"...you'll always go bust.

 

aye.

 

you're going from something real into something 'remembered' and if you dont want to be serious and gain a child why end a good 5 yr relationship for that?

 

think long and hard, the grass is not always greener (and it certainly doesnt seem that way in this situation.)

 

you do sound fairly innocent, but also a little oblivious. would you be upset if your girlfriend of 5 years had a 'make out session' w/ another guy? thought so...