letter

[pumpkinmoon]

Ok, sooo last night I was thinking about writing a letter in advance incase LC takes me nowhere and came up with this... it's a rough draft really but just wanted to get some opinions on it.

 

here goes...

 

 

This is a hard letter for me to write and I dont even know where to start.

 

I thought with what happened with *name* (my ex) I knew what heartache was but I couldn't have been more wrong.

 

I have learnt a lot in this time since our break up. I am in no way writing this letter in an effort to get you back so you can relax.

 

As you probably already know, I was absolutely devastated but have realised that it was necessary and needed to happen. I had so many issues from what happened in the past that I just found it hard to cope and I never had time to deal with them. I remember you saying to me a long time ago that you would give me all the space I needed and I wish so much that I had taken that time and maybe we would have had a better chance.

 

I lost sight of myself to the point where I didnt even know who I was anymore. I don't want to talk about blame but I do take responsibility for most of, if not all of the problems we had, and whatever part you think you played in it, I believe you were merely reacting to my actions and the way I treated you.

 

So as ironinc as it may sound, I would like to thank you for doing this as I am rediscovering myself again.

 

I'm not going to tell you I love you because there just aren't words to describe how I feel about you. I cant tell you how many times I have wondered if you miss me or if you even still think of me at all. I sometimes wonder if you still love me even but try not to think about this often as the thought of you feeling nothing terrifies me.

 

I miss the times we shared and I miss you but most of all miss our friendship.

 

I would be lying if I said that I wasn't interested in having a relationship with you again someday but I can't hold out hope for that and wont put my life on hold waiting for something that will probably never happen. But if you did ever consider trying again I can assure you it would be very different.

 

There are so many things I want to say to you and I hope I get the chance to say those things someday.

 

I hope this letter hasnt ruined the chance of building a friendship. I don't need you in my life but I would like you in it if only as friends.

 

I would still like to be able to do things with you sometimes if you would like that too.

 

If after reading this you decide that you want nothing more to do with me for whatever reason then I will understand and wish you all the best in everything that you do.

 

You dont have to reply to this letter, I am not looking for any kind of reaction but if you would like to catch up and do something then that would be nice.

 

 

Thats all I go so far, opinions would be appreciated

[NoPainNoGain]

Its a great letter but I wouldnt send it. Im sure he knows how you feel already.....

[Illyria07]

This isn't really the response you're looking for, but I'll offer it anyway...

 

I think this is a good letter to write - for you. I've found that writing those kinds of letters (but never sending them) has helped me enormously every time I feel that I want to talk to him. However, reading through them again later I'm always glad I've kept them to myself.

 

The thing is, even though you give him the option of not replying, or even cutting you out of his life completely, also saying that you would like to spend time with him (if he wants to) and indicating pretty strong feelings for him still, will come accross as some kind of expectation on him. And if he doesn't reply - how will that affect you?

 

I recognise a lot in your letter from my own feelings, and I really understand how you feel - and it's so, so hard!! I SO want to tell him too, but honestly I don't think he's ready to hear it, and I know that no matter what I tell myself, I'm not REALLY ready for any other response than "Ok, I understand now - let's get back together!". My advice would be to keep writing, whatever you feel, however stupid you think it may sound, and keep the letters. At some later point, you may be in a position where talking about these things with him will be appropriate; when you're both ready. And I believe that having processed everything for yourself first through writing in this way might make it easier to have that conversation then.

[pumpkinmoon]

hey, thats for the replies, I dont think Im ready to send it yet. Will just be hard to know when he is ready to hear it. Myabe that time will come and maybe it wont

[Illyria07]

I think that's the hardest thing - having patience while knowing that it may never happen.

[pumpkinmoon]

Yeah, Im trying LC atm and although I prefer it to NC its driving me a bit loopy. I have heard people here say that it's exhausting and never really understood why but now i do.

 

I think that of the LC leads me nowhere then I will send a letter, after all I will have nothing to lose, cant lose what you havent got.

[Illyria07]

I think that of the LC leads me nowhere then I will send a letter, after all I will have nothing to lose, cant lose what you havent got.

 

Yea, that's my thinking too...but it will be a last resort.

Sorry, I haven't kept up on all your posts; how long since you split up?

[Brokenhearted87]

Hey shoefairy, you're dealing with all this a LOT better than I am! At least your ex is in touch because you went NC!

 

Anyway, I think the letter is good. I have thought about sending one pretty much expressing the exact same sentiments myself, but I won't do so for some months, because 1. he isn't talking to me, thinks I'm nuts, and 2. I need my emotions to have simmered down. And I need to honestly send it with no expectation of getting back together.

 

Do you feel if you sent it now you would be disappointed by/ready for a cordial but very much "friendzone" response? I think that's what we have to keep using as the benchmark for being ready to reach out like that: when we honestly can say that it won't hurt or set us back if we get a chummy, emotionless response and a "Let's just be friends"....then we can send the letter!

Yeah I think I won't be sending it for a LONG time in that instance!

[TAB1234]

Been there, done it!! Only send the letter if you want more pain and to go back on your healing because that's what it will do i'm afraid!!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Shoe, people write these kinds of letters when they are desperate to get back with someone and they think it will someone change things. It screams out I WANT YOU BACK and will do ANYTHING even hate and blame myself if it gets you back.

 

You keep saying it is OK if he doesn't want you back, but it is screaming, NO IT IS NOT OK.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but the point is if you feel you NEED to write such a letter, it is usually a sign that it is over, and you are driven into this corner and desperate to establish communication that you don't have. Otherwise you would be talking to him about this rather than writing such a letter, and he would be responding positively to those talks.

 

You are writing this letter because it is the last avenue open to you. When it gets that far it is usually done.

 

So i suggest that you see him and say these things to him, without the sugar coating that it is 'OK' if he doesn't want you. That isn't being honest. It is not OK with you, and you are not accepting that it is over, and you don't want to just be friends, you want him back. And it won't be OK to be friends, because it will tear you up and you will keep hoping he will be more than friends.

 

So be honest, tell him you want him back.

 

But the hard part is, if he says no, or refuses to see you to talk to you, you have to accept it is really over and move on. Talk to him, give it your last shot, but understand that you are so hung up on him that being friends just won't be healthy for you.

 

If you are going crazy without him, then the appropriate thing is to get some counseling to deal with that, not look for more ways to AVOID dealing with that. All the pleas in the world won't bring him back if he's decided to leave, and you need to take care of yourself so you can find someone who really does want to be with you.

[pumpkinmoon]

I think that of the LC leads me nowhere then I will send a letter, after all I will have nothing to lose, cant lose what you havent got.

 

Yea, that's my thinking too...but it will be a last resort.

Sorry, I haven't kept up on all your posts; how long since you split up?

 

 

Yeah me too, a very last resort. Problem is the texts from him are making me crazy but I will have to just stick it out. I keep trying to decifer them and look for clues but I cant see much. But I suppose there is no way I could figure out what he is feeling from texts. Just like I am hiding my feelings in my texts he could be doing the same. The only hope i kinda have from them is that he keeps texting and hasnt mentiioned returning my things since.

 

We split on the 8th March. I know it isnt long and It takes months sometimes to get them back and I need to be patient but I'm really not a patient person lol.

 

How long has it been for you? What have u tried so far? Are you in LC?

[pumpkinmoon]

yeah I understand completely. I dont think I could handle the response if it wasnt a positive one so I will not send it yet. I was upset last night and felt a bit desperate. I'm not sure why he is in touch though and that makes it hard.

 

The letter will def be the last resort, and I have to be willing to walk away if i dont get what i'm hoping for, and I'm not ready to do that yet.

[Illyria07]

Yeah me too, a very last resort. Problem is the texts from him are making me crazy but I will have to just stick it out. I keep trying to decifer them and look for clues but I cant see much. But I suppose there is no way I could figure out what he is feeling from texts. Just like I am hiding my feelings in my texts he could be doing the same. The only hope i kinda have from them is that he keeps texting and hasnt mentiioned returning my things since.

 

We split on the 8th March. I know it isnt long and It takes months sometimes to get them back and I need to be patient but I'm really not a patient person lol.

 

How long has it been for you? What have u tried so far? Are you in LC?

 

We split up about 6 months ago, and it's definitely easier now, but (obviously) I am not 'over' him. What makes my situation difficult is that I have to see him for work (regularly, though not every day), which makes NC impossible. We are very cagey around each other, although contact recently has been slightly easier. Also, I'm also in a different situation to you as our break-up was pretty much mutual, and the actual decision to finally break came from me, but as I've been hoping to one day get back with him ever since I still feel like the dumpee!

[pumpkinmoon]

No dont worry about being harsh You have made me realise something with this post.

 

NO I am not ok with being friends, and I dont think I could cope with that so If and when the time comes when I need to send the letter then I will put that in there too. I will have to be ready to walk out of his life completely to do so and I dont think I can yet so not a good idea to send the letter.

 

He is talking to me quite amicably atm. And I dont want to ruin it if it has the potential of going somewhere with a letter just yet.

 

I think you are right though. I will try LC first to see where it leads but if it doesnt go anywhere I will have to tell him I want him back and if the answer is still no and he isnt willing to try then I will have to walk away forever.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Good! that sounds like a very rational plan. All you can do is plead your case, and he goes for it or not.

 

I do understand though... sometimes you are just not mentally ready to let him go, and you need to work through that. But recognizing that is the first step towards healing yourself.

 

Many people throw all their efforts into 'getting him back', digging deeper into the dry well looking for water. But if you consciously know you are working up to being able to let go of him, that is huge progress because you are focusing on the real issue, that he is gone, you are not happy with it, you are struggling with it, but recognize you do have to eventually let go if he doesn't come back.

[pumpkinmoon]

yes very much so Thanks for the advice. I will just have to cope with driving myself crazy at the moment until i can take no more lol

[pumpkinmoon]

and just as im typing this he just text me with yet another question on the end to maybe keep the convo going?

[misshim]

Hi Shoe

 

I just wanted to tell you i know exactly what you feel. The waiting is awful its been NC for 2 months from my side but i get random texts from him nothing major...........i feel he still has feelings for me but he also feels he needs to stand by his decision he is quite stubborn that way and sometimes i think he wants to prove a point..........some days are good but i feel the pain comes in waves and whilst the crying has definetly subsided it has not ended....sometimes i wander if i will ever feel better again.

 

take care and dont send the letter

hugs

[Daria_Lane]

Yeah me too, a very last resort. Problem is the texts from him are making me crazy but I will have to just stick it out. I keep trying to decifer them and look for clues but I cant see much. How long has it been for you?

 

That's the problem with LC, you end up looking for clues and tryingb to decipher things. You even start making up stuff that isnt even there cos it's what you want to BELIEVE he thinks. Plus the fact that you have to walk on eggshells cos you dont wanna "upset" them and have them run off again. It's irritating really. At least with NC, you cant really do anyhthing wrong and dont have to worry about everything you say or do

 

I did NC for 3 months with my ex and then in March I called him for his birthday and we talked every now and then, it was very limited contact and 2 weeks ago he sent some random email saying all sorts of crap that frankly I didnt even care about. I knew I was just fooling myself wityh teh meaningless messages and the "how are things going" crap. So I ignored the email and havent heard from him since and im ffine cos if he were to contactg me, im sure he'll ask why i ignored it and what will I say "oh cos that is not the kind of stuff i wanna be hearing from you"?? Nah, Im stubborn so I rather just keep my pride and stay away from him

 

I just think the contact you are having is abit much. letting him go on and on with texts, I've said it ebforem, you need to start cutting him off mid way and leaving to be busy else he'll just chalk it up to you not having anything to do but reply his blue moon texts.