trying to move on from abuse

[Violet538]

Hi,

 

I recently ended a three-month relationship with an extremely charming and extremely abusive man. Emotionally, psychologically, verbally..

and just last summer I left my boyfriend of 5 1/2 years, also extremely abusive in the same ways...My childhood was also very, very abusive, my mother severly abusive, my father was in deep denial and abandoning...I left home at 15, was addicted to heroin, I've done prostitution and everything...basically I am beginning to feel like I can't be fixed.

 

I am in therapy, but I can't seem to feel positive about myself for any length of time...I start to have hope and then I feel despondent. I feel so lost, I am almost 29 and I feel so totally weak and inadequate. I have such a hard time feeling good about anything I do, although, I know I can't really be that bad...I just feel so much anxiety about my life. I so much want my life to be good and fulfilling.

 

I struggle so much to remain strong and sometimes it feels like it working, only to feel myself crash into disparagement that is paralyzing.

I work so hard on my healing, reading self-help books and saying affirmations, that do seem to help sometimes...but I feel tortured still.

 

And I actually miss the last abusive guy I broke up with...what's wrong with me?? I actually wish he would try to get back together with me even though I know I should never be with someone like that again.

 

I know he made me feel horrible (under the guise of being supportive, "just honest") about myself, but I guess part of me believes he was being honest and I do need guidance from somebody stronger, and maybe he was just supportive, even though it hurt...but I know that can't be true...I'm so confused...

 

Thank you for any words of wisdom, or even just for reading :sad:

[kuiks8]

you are stuck in a pattern of thinking about what you have to offer and what you are entitled too...if therapy isn't helping you need to find a different therapist, it might help to look in to CBT-cognitive behavioral therapy which will help you deal with the tapes you have created in your head about yourself...

[Violet538]

thanks for your reply...yes, I know you are right about the patterns of thinking...it is just such a struggle it seems for me to change them on these deep levels....maybe a different therapist is a good thing to try.

[kuiks8]

As hard as it and as hesitant as people are to do so you need to find a therapist that you click with. I only know this because after over 10 years of therapy i finally found a therapist i actually connect to and it has been life changing so for people who are sticking with the therapist they started with even though they don't think they are getting much out of it you need to shop around!!!

[jenny_mcs]

thanks for your reply...yes, I know you are right about the patterns of thinking...it is just such a struggle it seems for me to change them on these deep levels....maybe a different therapist is a good thing to try.

 

I think that sometimes all of us can confuse what is familiar with what is right or healthy. So you lived through a lot of abuse- and when you get into a relationship with someone who starts the same kind of abuse, it probably feels very familiar to you, and that sense of familiarity makes the situation feel "right"- even though it is not good for you.

 

I think finding a different therapist is a good idea, but also try to find some positive relationships outside of a romantic relationship- whether it's a friend, a co-worker you click with, or a relative, like a grandparent, aunt, or uncle who has not been abusive to you.

 

Once you have more positive and supportive people in your life, these kinds of relationships will start to be the norm for you, and you will crave that in a romantic relationship also. Then when you enter a romantic relationship, if there is abuse- it will not feel as familiar or OK.

 

I realize this is all easier said than done, but I do think these patterns can be changed. You can write very clearly and coherently about your situation, so I think you are already on your way. Good luck-

 

jenny

[Gracelove]

Awwww, it'll be okay. It really will.

 

I can definitely relate to some of your feelings, sometimes life just seems like hell. But let me tell you, it gets sooooooo much better! It really does.

 

Yes, you'll have some hard times, but things will get increasingly better.

 

You've been through an awfullllll lot. You can't just expect things to be "all better" so quickly.

 

I mean, abuse in your childhood, that was huge. Prostitution! I mean, that in itself is a huge thing to cope with. Two abusive relationships, running away from home at a young age, and heroin!

 

You've been through a lot girl!

 

Give yourself some credit, you're.still.here.

 

That in itself is such a wonderful thing. You should really feel proud of yourself. Really, you're a survivor, you really are, although it may not feel that way most of the time.

 

Stick with therapy, that helps a lot.

 

Don't beat up on yourself for wanting to be with your abuser. That's what you knew in your childhood, so in a strange way that may provide you with some sort of comfort, it's familiar.

 

Recovery is a tough thing. It really is. Sometimes you feel like you take a step up a ladder, only to fall 10 rungs down.

But things do improve. They do.

 

Just hang in there, k.

 

If you're angry, let it out. If you're sad, let it out.

 

And sometimes you get so sick of the same 'ole crap, yet you need to talk about it anyway.

 

Those feelings are normal.

 

Hang in there, k.

 

*Lots of love*

 

~Grace

[Violet538]

Thank you for your compassion...it has really touched me. I appreciate your feedback and encouragement. It does really make a difference to share and be heard. This is the first time I have ever posted anything like this....I really appreciate such warmth.