Saygo Posted April 27, 2008 Share Posted April 27, 2008 Hello everyone, I am 21 years old. 2 years ago, my boyfriend and I moved out from our parents' home to go study elsewhere in a city together. We have been living together in an appartment ever since then. This year, around christmas, my boyfriend started saying that he might want to move out to go study to another university next year. That university is in another city... This would leave me alone where I currently am... We went back in our families for the xmas vacations and hardly saw each others during that time because it caused a lot of friction between the 2 of us... I was trying to find alternatives and he just didn't seem to want to talk about it and kept telling me that he wanted to avoid thinking about it for now... We fought a lot over the last 5 months for a lot of stupid reasons. Deep down, the true reason for our fighting is the stress that has been building up because of the potential physical separation.. He also applied to the same university I am going to but in programs that do not interest him as much as what the other university has to offer. So far, he has not gotten news from any of the universities... I tried to discuss the issue with him pretty often. Whenever I ask if he will be leaving or not if he is accepted at that other university, he says he doesn't know, but he is tempted into doing so... Lately, another problem surfaced... His brother is also moving to that very same city so his mom went to rent an appartment for him(his bro). She asked my boyfriend what his decision was and he replied that he did not know yet what he would do. The appartment she rent for my boyfriend's brother is a 4 1/2 and she told my boyfriend that she is renting it may he be moving or not. Now, my boyfriend feels even more pressured to go that way and he was already tempted in the first place... That is if he is telling the truth, because he may actually have told his mom to rent it and that he is going and he just isn't able to face me with his decision... On my side of the story, I have 2 years to go to complete my bachelor degree and I cannot move out until I do complete it... If he stayed with me, he would more or less "waste" his time until I complete my degree... Also, he keeps me waiting for his decision, but I need his answer very soon so I can look for an appartment for myself if he does leave, because right now, I have nowhere to live for the following year... Do you guys think he is really confused or that his decision is taken? Also, do you think it is possible for us to keep our relationship alive if we only see each others a bit on weekends for as long as 2 years with the honesty part that may be lacking on his side...? I don't know if it's honesty he is lacking or that he just fears my decision... I am really confused and I don't know what to do. Any advice and/or comments would be gladly welcome. Thanks everyone Link to comment
schueysgirl Posted April 27, 2008 Share Posted April 27, 2008 I understand you wanting to stay together and the hurt it will cause you to separate. But i think you have answered your own questions when you say things like "he has applied to the same uni as me but on courses he is not interested in...." and also "he could stay around here pretty much wasting time until I finish my degree...." etc. It is not really fair to expect him to stay anywhere just for you...if he cannot benefit for it. Yes i do think people can cope in LDR and not see each other all week and just at weekends etc, but no one can tell you whether your relationship can survive this as we dont really know you. One thing I can tell you is that your relationship will NOT survive you forcing or guilting him to stay with you and not letting him do his own thing, as he will come to resent you. You talk about honesty worries on his side, which does not sound good. Ultimately the decision about his future is his. Yes he should take yours into consideration, but 2 years is not really that long, and if it means him having a better career, and you having a better career so in the long run you can havea better future and life then it is a sacrifice. Also have you thought then when you both graduate, you may not be able to get jobs close together in the same city etc, and this could cause similar problems... Link to comment
Saygo Posted April 27, 2008 Author Share Posted April 27, 2008 I guess you both are right... I know I cannot stop him or try to force him to stay because it would just ruin everything. Deep down, I know he has probably made up his mind, but I have trouble accepting it. Despite that, I would really want him to be honest with it and to tell me... I think I deserve that much... I wonder how I can get him to be totally honest with me and not fear the way I react... Sitting down with him and asking the question once more won't do any good. Also, he says he feels guilty thinking about moving so there is no way he would actually tell me what's going on in my mind with all that... Link to comment
schueysgirl Posted April 27, 2008 Share Posted April 27, 2008 Well if he is an adult and mature and respects you and believes the relationship has a future then yes he should be able to sit down and have a convo with you about he wants to do and how it will affect the relationship. I think it is a major problem if he cannot sit down and discuss things with you, is this because he fears your reaction or that he just simply cannot be open and honest with you? You guys obviously have communication problems, which would indicate that a LDR would definetly not work.... Link to comment
Saygo Posted April 28, 2008 Author Share Posted April 28, 2008 Yes we do have communication problems because he has problems communicating... I guess we might be due for a big talk about all of this. So far, I tried talking to him a bit and it went well so I'm hoping that it will continue. He surprised me, he actually took time to tell me about his fears and what he thinks... He expressed his fear that if he is away and we can't see each others a lot, that it might not work. He told me that he might not be able to come back on weekends for us to see each others and that, no matter how much he looked at it, he found no solution. In my opinion, he isn't trying too much because as I told him, we could both work during the week to see each others on weekends? He said it might not benefit him a lot if he has to spend what he gains during the week to come see me... Also, he could work more during the weekend back in the city where we can meet up but that would give us little time... I wouldn't mind paying part of his gas, but I have to pay for my own to to come back to my hometown so it's a little tricky... I know he has to pay more though since he would be further away. Am i just giving him bad intention or is he really just lost and sees no way we can keep up with the relationship? Link to comment
Excalibur Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Just reading the OP's post - I wouldn't be inclined to have an honest conversation with her either. It sounds as if he says he's going to this other university to pursue his goals and aspirations, she's going to tell him why he has no right to do this, or how wrong he is to do this, or what he stands to lose by doing this. That'd be very parental in dynamic. It'd be better to realize that you two having not completed your education, are in a transtional phase of life. while you've shared a roof and a bed and bills.....each of you have been independently pursuing your goals, priorities, and achievements. At the piont where you two are more complete and secure as individuals - then you could offer one another something to share as a life together. Right now in transition - you have offered emotional support and to share bills, while each of you individually evolved and matured. You're wanting to keep a relationship alive in long-distance, that is really only a product of necessity, convenience, and security while in close contact proximity. That's just not likely to work. Link to comment
Saygo Posted April 28, 2008 Author Share Posted April 28, 2008 It is much more than that... We have been close friends for 5 years and we have shared each other's lives for the last 2 years in a relationship way... We do support each others financially, but it's not the only point. I love him a lot and I do believe that he loves me too even though we are very different... Even when we were separated last summer, we talked to each others a lot on internet, but we did know that we would be re-united the next year which is uncertain for now. Also, yes I do feel bad and sad about him leaving, but I have no intentions of making him feel guilty about it or telling him how much he is losing by doing so. I know he is doing it in order to have a better career that he would really love and I understand that, no matter how much it hurts... Despite all of that, I still wonder if it could really work though... Link to comment
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