How do you choose?

[KamiT]

I think I'm crazy for even posting this, but here goes...

 

When you have feelings for both sexes, how do you choose one over the other? I spent all of my life with people of one gender but have recently come to realize that I am attracted to both (for reasons I won't discuss here at this point in time, and no, it doesn't involve any cheating on my part), and in fact I seem to be increasingly attracted to the gender I have never actually been with.

 

I had a very LDR (another continent) for about three months with a person of this gender until recently when I discovered they were blowing me off to pursue other online interests.

 

I have another sort-of LDR of the other gender, which is not nearly as LD as the first, whom I have actually met in person and really like a lot. This person knew about the other and told me of their feelings but we agreed that we would not go anywhere with it until I saw where my very LDR of the other gender went. This person knew I was exploring my sexuality and preferences and respected that, and I respected my very LDR.

 

So now, I am no longer in this very LDR of the gender I am very curious about but I still want to explore that aspect of my sexuality. And I do like this other person a lot but they are still LDR and in college with no chance of us being together IRL other than a weeklong visit, for over a year.

 

I want to explore the other side of my sexuality and could see myself possibly in an LTR with the right person, but I don't hold out much hope for finding someone who isn't half a world away. I have found LDR's to be very draining emotionally and I want to spend time with someone IRL, not on the phone wishing they were with me or chatting and emailing online, knowing full well we may never, ever be together IRL, so what's the point?

 

I have a lot to offer. I have a good career, I am intelligent, I am active, fit, cute, not psychotic, mentally fit (though I admit I do have issues with certain types of people), and though a bit moody at times I am actually quite stable. But why does life have to be so complicated? I'm not even sure what I'm asking with this thread or why I am posting it.

 

I have been seeing a therapist to help sort all this out and they seem convinced that I am of the orientation that I have not really ever explored yet but have never gone there because of abuse when I was a child and the resulting issues with that particular gender. They are happy that I had decided to pursue someone of that gender, though skeptical of the LDR.

 

I am sorry for being so cryptic in my wording.

 

Like I said, I'm not even sure what I'm asking here, but if anyone has any thoughts or similar experiences, maybe you could offer some insight.

 

- Kami

[shes2smart]

So....where's the idea that you have to choose coming from? Because if you change that idea to something less black-and-white, some of the dilemma here ceases to exist. Maybe you start to change that idea by considering sexual orientation more of a spectrum than an either-or-proposition. Just so happens you tend to be more toward the middle of that range rather than either end....and it might well be that you move around in that spectrum as time goes on, too.

 

I think it's quite possible to be attracted to both genders...but that doesn't mean you're going to be attracted to everyone you meet. There will still be things about certain individuals (of either gender) that will be turn-ons/attractors for you.

 

What I think is your bigger challenge is figuring out why you have gotten involved with people who are geographically undesirable. If you want to have a relationship with someone that involves f2f interaction on a regular basis and doesn't involve a lot of travel to do so, then you have to have some self-discipline to pass on those who seem very attractive from afar. The internet makes it far too easy to meet the most interesting people....5 states away. And the internet also makes it easy for someone who may not be so compatible with you in real life seem to be the perfect match.

 

You mention you've been seeing a therapist. Perhaps you should spend some time discussing/pondering why it is you've gotten into LDRs when you say you want something closer to home. If we are being brutally honest with ourselves, much of the time things don't "just happen." At some points we made a decision or two that put us where we are now -- even if it was simply thinking something like, "There's no one who lives within an hour of me that I'd be interested in anyway."

[KamiT]

So....where's the idea that you have to choose coming from? Because if you change that idea to something less black-and-white, some of the dilemma here ceases to exist. Maybe you start to change that idea by considering sexual orientation more of a spectrum than an either-or-proposition. Just so happens you tend to be more toward the middle of that range rather than either end....and it might well be that you move around in that spectrum as time goes on, too.

 

True, but that doesn't work well if you wish to be monogamous. Or maybe I'm missing something.

 

What I think is your bigger challenge is figuring out why you have gotten involved with people who are geographically undesirable. You mention you've been seeing a therapist. Perhaps you should spend some time discussing/pondering why it is you've gotten into LDRs when you say you want something closer to home. If we are being brutally honest with ourselves, much of the time things don't "just happen." At some points we made a decision or two that put us where we are now -- even if it was simply thinking something like, "There's no one who lives within an hour of me that I'd be interested in anyway."

 

Oh, believe me we've covered that. My therapist has said I shouldn't give up so easy on local people. Your last sentence is pretty much it. I hesitated to tell this part but I will, as it changes everything I think. I am trans. Very passable, very cute (many people say I'm very pretty but I've not gotten to the point where I feel strongly about that), very female, but once you tell a guy you're trans he goes running the other way.

 

I don't believe in being dishonest, nor could I be, as my co-workers, my friends, and my family are well aware of this fact, though most don't think about it a whole lot anymore. I have yet to meet a local guy who could go past being friends and I have had some pretty harsh, nasty reactions, so I am hesitant to even try at this point.

 

I am also weirded out by the idea that one of my male co-workers might see my face on a local dating site, mostly because I don't want to look like I'm desperate or weak, since I am a manager in an (almost) all-male department in a heavily male-dominated industry. As odd as this may sound to you, I am very confident as a person and as a woman, and I exude a lot of confidence and many men are intimidated by that. I meet a lot of people with my job and my political and social activities. I have many friends but no one ever wants to go "there."

 

I hope that explains things a little better.

 

- Kami

[shes2smart]

True, but that doesn't work well if you wish to be monogamous. Or maybe I'm missing something.

 

I don't see where sexual orientation and monogamy are the slightest bit connected.

 

Monogamy is choosing to be faithful to one partner, period. Doesn't matter what gender that partner is or what gender you are or where on the sexual orientation spectrum either of you falls.

 

Anyone who has been in a relationship for any length of time has likely run accross another person or two who they find attractive. If you're in a monogamous relationship, it's a matter of putting that relationship first, honoring the commitment you made and not acting on any other attractions that may pop up.

 

That has everything to do with being a trustworthy, honorable person and nothing to do with one's sexual preferences/orientation.

 

 

Oh, believe me we've covered that. My therapist has said I shouldn't give up so easy on local people. Your last sentence is pretty much it. I hesitated to tell this part but I will, as it changes everything I think. I am trans. Very passable, very cute (many people say I'm very pretty but I've not gotten to the point where I feel strongly about that), very female, but once you tell a guy you're trans he goes running the other way.

 

I don't believe in being dishonest, nor could I be, as my co-workers, my friends, and my family are well aware of this fact, though most don't think about it a whole lot anymore. I have yet to meet a local guy who could go past being friends and I have had some pretty harsh, nasty reactions, so I am hesitant to even try at this point.

 

I am also weirded out by the idea that one of my male co-workers might see my face on a local dating site, mostly because I don't want to look like I'm desperate or weak, since I am a manager. As odd as this may sound to you, I am very confident as a person and as a woman, and I exude a lot of confidence and many men are intimidated by that. I meet a lot of people with my job and my political and social activities. I have many friends but no one ever wants to go "there."

 

I hope that explains things a little better.

 

- Kami

 

Ok, so a little background from what perspective I'm coming from: I'm an active/out member in the public BDSM community. Within our local community of kinky folk are a couple of trans-gender folks. One in particular looks better in a mini skirt and heels than I do, but I digress.

 

Anytime you add some twist to "who you are," you automatically limit the number of people you could become involved with. When I discovered my kink, I also discovered that dating/getting involved with a non-kinky person wasn't an option. I would never be able to convince someone who is opposed to violence that, in the right context, smacking my behind with a flogger is a good thing, y'know? I also didn't think it was my job to do that either. Better I should find someone who wanted to engage in that activity in the right context (because otherwise it's just abuse).

 

Do you live in or near a larger city? Can you find a support group of other trans-folk you can network with/talk to? Perhaps see how others handle the topic of disclosure to the newly-met. I wouldn't worry too much about going to such gatherings. I mean, if I ran into a (assumably) non-kinky person I knew at a BDSM function, the fact of the matter is we're both there. My kink isn't widely known at work...but then again, there's no reason for it to be: I don't want to hear about my co-worker's sex lives, so I don't say anything about mine.

 

A lot of people use dating sites these days, so I don't see how that could be construed as "desperate" or "weak." It's a way to meet people, no more, no less. It just happens to be a newer way than meeting people in a bar, or through friends or at church or whatever but there's no shame, desperation or weakness in trying newer things...particularly if "conventional" methods aren't producing good results.

 

Besides, much like running into someone at a BDSM function -- you don't just accidentally stumble onto someone's profile on a dating site -- the viewer has to be there looking for someone who fits that profile.

 

I think every single one of us has things in our personality or things we like or fetishy turn-ons or something (and probably several somethings) that limit the pool of potential partners. That's ok. Because the whole process of finding a partner/partners is an exclusionary process in and of itself. It only becomes a problem when we start seeing as such and thinking things like, "I'll never find someone who is kinky and wants to be in a monogamous marriage relationship and not have multiple submissives" instead of looking at those as things that will help us screen out folks who aren't compatible and will just waste our time. (yes, when I first started exploring the public BDSM scene, there were folks who had the audacity to tell me that "married" "monogamous" and "kinky" couldn't coexist. Maybe not in their world...and it did take a while to find...but it does exist in mine.)

 

If you really feel you can't do monogamy, there are other structures to build intimate relationships on -- open relationships, polyamory. As long as you are honest with yourself and others about what you want, there's nothing wrong with having an "alternative" relationship style. Yeah, it may limit the sheer number of people you may be able to be involved with -- but the ones who are left are more likely to be looking for the same thing as you.

 

Oh, and yes, a non-monogamous, kinky, relationship with a trans can exist. There's a poly triad who are part of the public BDSM scene where I live who fit that description. It works for them and they appear to be pretty happy with their non-traditional relationship.

[KamiT]

I'm at work so this will be brief. Thank you for your insight.

 

I guess what I'm getting at with the monogamy thing is, if you like both and want both, how can you be monogamous? Or maybe the better question is, if you're curious and attracted to one gender you've never been with, how do you go about satisfying your curiosity. I have never been and never will be the type to just jump into bed with someone, and quite frankly most men, though I find men attractive, scare the living hell out of me. I guess I just have issues I need to work out. Not all men scare me, I find I am attracted to and not scared at all by the more gentle, less macho ones, but I don't meet many like that at all.

 

The place I live is near a medium sized city. I actually work in the city, and it is quite trans-friendly, but men are still men and very few men who don't have some other weird fetishes or don't look like they just came out of prison will even talk to a woman who is open about being trans. Most have this idea of 'shemales' and such. That's not me at all, for more than one reason. I'm a Mom first and foremost. And I'm a woman, not a novelty sex toy.

 

Maybe I just haven't given it enough of a chance. I did put up a profile on a local site, for about three days. I got responses but pretty much the turnout was par for the course. I am becoming more and more active with groups (not trans related) I have joined, and I am active in our local trans community but I have never wanted to and don't limit my social life to transfolk. My therapist has been trying to encourage me to date, and my question has always been "where do you find decent people, and who would want to date me?" Unfortunately, at the end of the day, after I have spent the day feeling confident in myself, my abilities, my femininity uncompromised, my career, etc. I come home and I don't yet feel very confident when it comes to relationships. I guess I have issues I have to work out.

 

Thanks for listening

 

- Kami

 

P.S. By weird fetishes I don't mean what you talked about -- getting spanked, ummm, tied up LOL. I actually quite enjoy that sort of thing, but only as a submissive and nothing that smacks of a dungeon or anything more painful than a few smacks. And not all the time, but sometimes it can be quite a turnon to be fancied. When I mentioned the fetishes I more was thinking along the lines of men who are bi and think of transwomen as 'shemales' who are good for anal sex. Like I said, not me at all. I'm 100% woman, not a novelty sex toy.

[shes2smart]

I guess what I'm getting at with the monogamy thing is, if you like both and want both, how can you be monogamous? Or maybe the better question is, if you're curious and attracted to one gender you've never been with, how do you go about satisfying your curiosity.

 

Monogamy is usually something that enters into the mix when there's been a relationship established and both you and the other party want to be exclusive.

 

As long as you are single and haven't promised exclusivity to one person, I see no problem with whatever experimentation you may choose to do.

 

I think what it'll probably come down to for you is one of 2 things:

 

1. You will meet someone, get to know them and want to make that commitment to them. While you may feel attraction to others who cross your path, your primary loyalty will be to your partner and you'll choose to honor that.

 

2. It's possible you may be polyamorous and prefer to have a multiple partner relationship. This works well for some folks, not so well for others. Depends entirely on the people involved and the amount of effort and honesty they put into it....but you could say that about any relationship, really.

 

I guess I just have issues I need to work out.

 

Welcome to the club. This is true for all of us.

 

And I'm a woman, not a novelty sex toy.

 

This is a very healthy attitude for you to have. People will treat us as poorly...or as well...as we allow. Hang onto this. It shows you respect yourself and expect a potential partner to respect you, too.

 

Maybe I just haven't given it enough of a chance. I did put up a profile on a local site, for about three days. I got responses but pretty much the turnout was par for the course.

 

Ask some of your hetero female friends the kinds of responses they've gotten from dating websites. Heck, ask here (in a new thread) if none of your gal pals have used online dating. You'll find that as a female on dating site, you'll get a number of inappropriate replies from men who are just looking for some "fun." Just the nature of the online dating where there's a high degree of anonymity and people do and say things they wouldn't have the cojones to do face-to-face. If a reply squicks you out, hit delete and move on to the next. (Or if you're really kind, a brief, "Thanks for replying, but I don't believe we're looking for the same thing" note)

 

I am becoming more and more active with groups (not trans related) I have joined, and I am active in our local trans community but I have never wanted to and don't limit my social life to transfolk.

 

Oh, by no means should you (if you don't want to). My thought was in "alternative sexuality" groups like that or like the BDSM groups I am familiar with, there are always a few "veterans" floating around who've dealt with what you are dealing with now. Their advice can be invaluable and can help you avoid making some mistakes. We don't always have to learn the hard way.