Why doesn't he just talk to me?

[tylanni]

I've been dating a guy for three weeks. We've been friends since the beginning of the year, but since I've been his friend, he doesn't open up all that much.

 

So when we started dating, I assumed he'd open up more to me.

 

However, a complication has arisen. Before dating me (alright, honestly, during the first couple of days of dating me), my boyfriend liked a girl (probably more than me, I'm afraid). As such, he completely and totally trusted her with all his deepest, darkest secrets, because he thought that he could count on her to help him cope with them.

 

Unfortunately, I found out that she's been telling nearly everyone these secrets, including me, because she actually doesn't like him at all. After I tore her a new one about spilling stuff like that, I told my boyfriend about what she had been doing.

 

Ever since, he hasn't opened up to me all that much because he's afraid that something like that will happen again. How can I convince him that he can trust me with these things, and that, not only as his girlfriend, but as his friend, he can have someone he can rely on?

 

(Oh, by the way. Good news is he doesn't like that girl anymore, even before I told him about all that.)

 

Well, anyway, I'd like some help on the matter. I'd really like this relationship to work for us, because I really like him.

[LNelson]

Just my perspective, of course:

This poor guy! What a terrible, terrible feeling to have so much trust betrayed. Of course you only want to help him get over this, but be very careful here. Probably the worst thing you could do right now is flat-out press him to trust you. He's going to need some time to deal with this in his head, and you're going to have to be ok with him not being completely verbal about how he's feeling. He's hurt, and he's learned a valuable lesson: You can't always trust people, even ones that you're sure you can. Confusing, eh? That's what he's dealing with. Show him that you care, and that you're a good person. But don't push him to spill his guts on the situation (that wound is still healing). Be there for him, but don't bring it up over and over. Give him time (and it may take a lot of time, are you may need to be very accepting of that). He's actually very wise to be more careful about who he trusts (yes, even you, and it's nothing against you, but put yourself in his shoes). Show by passive example that you aren't going to hurt him in the same way. But just remember, he needs to realize this ON HIS OWN, not because you tell him. I'm sure that other girl told him over and over again that he could trust her too, and look what that got him.

By the way, let the memory of that other girl fade away (meaning: don't talk badly about her, even though she may deserve it). Vengeful people aren't to be trusted, either.

I hope I've helped, at least a little! And thank you for being one of the good ones in this world

[Excalibur]

You're not seeing it like it is....

 

He was telling her his secrets to get her alliance, because he wanted her attention and approval.

 

He wanted to form a bond, an association and immaturity has a person thinking telling their darkest fears and secrets will do that.

 

You were standing there giving him unconditional attention and adoration, she was not and isn't.....he wanted her attention, and got it by telling his fears/secrets.

 

She went around telling everybody....YOU ripped her a new one - like a mommy....not a girlfriend.

 

You were just upset that he wouldn't confide in you, didn't want your attention bad enough to seek you to that level......you want him off limits to everybody else thinking he's the bst you can do for yourself.

 

So you've severed his association with her by telling her off.....and you've let him know that you're all in his business, and everything is your concern that has anything to do with him.

 

He doesn't want you all up in his business - you're cute, fun, sexy, and adoring and adorable.....but you in his business as if there is a commitment or obligation on his part to you, or you to him.....that's you going way over the line of dating.

[tylanni]

Thanks for the advice, you two. And now that I think about it, I'm sure Excalibur is right. I was probably just being jealous and impulsive. Haha.

 

Well, thank you again.