Brushing Myself Off

[I_KicKed_keNNedy]

I will keep the following vague, not out of shame or to be coy, but to help anyone who may be experiencing the same problems. Regardless of the drug, the problem is the same, and I don't want those in denial to miss another wake-up call because I may be talking about a different drug.

 

I have been an addict for almost 6 years now, and I have been clean for only two days. It isn't getting any easier, and it may never get easier. I've been clean for longer periods of time than two days, but this time its a bit more difficult because I know that this is definitely "it". This is when I finally kick it, I will never use this drug ever again, and that's what makes it more difficult than any of the other times I decided to "take some time off". Its easier to say good bye to a friend who's moving away than it is to set a rose on their grave. When there's finality, there's pain, and right now I feel a lot of pain.

 

My problem has only been made worse by the fact no one ever suspected I had a problem. Throughout my addiction I always maintained a respectable outward appearance. I always did well in school, I always was gainfully employed, and I rarely fell apart publicly. Everyday it was just below the surface and invisible to others. Only I knew it was there, and that allowed me to justify and rationalize my problem.

 

I can't justify it any longer. I cannot think I am too strong to succumb to its lure another day. Everyday I was always saying "I just need it to make it through today, then tomorrow I'll kick it. I just need to get through ______, and after that I won't need it anymore." Well, there will always be an excuse. One can always find an excuse to be weak. The strong never have a reason to be such, and that's what makes them stronger.

 

Now I am saying "I just need to make it through today without [my drug], and after that, I am one day stronger." Today is the only day I have to be clean. I never had a single clean today all of the days I was going to get clean tomorrow. Now I do. I missed out on a lot of "todays". I can't afford to lose anymore.

 

People make the mistake of assuming the effects of an addiction are the problem. They complain about how it changes their behavior and how it effects their life and that is how they stay addicted. You don't need to lose everything to bottom out. The addiction alone is the greatest detriment to one's life. Any day you sedate your self control is a day you yourself have been sleeping.

 

I won't sleep any more. I am awake, and the pain I feel every moment I'm awake is a pleasure of ineffable bliss. Every inch of pain is a mile between me and the zombified state I spent the last six years. I'm alive and it hurts. I need this pain. I need this pain to remind me I'm alive.