ramsickle1369 Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 I have tried therapy, church, posts, talking, avoidance, no contact, etc. Nothing helps. He's still in my heart even though I know he's a bad guy and I deserve better. I am still plagued with the "why's" of all the lies. I can't let go. Trying to do so hurts more. I give up. I guess this is where I'll be for a good long time... Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 Join the gang sister! Me too!!!!! I wish I could say something to make it all better! I wish there was a pill we could take! It simply takes time! How long...it's up to you! xx Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 Did you get "Men who Can't Love"??? Link to comment
ramsickle1369 Posted April 20, 2008 Author Share Posted April 20, 2008 Hey LG--no, haven't made it there yet... Link to comment
nickbroken Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 Time is the only thing that works....time and trying to let go...I have never known anything else to work...right now all of us feel like this wont pass....most of us have been through this before to some degree or another...we felt like it wouldn't pass then either...time heals all things...all we can do is be positive and try to take what we can from our relationships....and hope for the future...because if we don't have hope...what is the point of life? Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 Well, that's ok. But meanwhile you have a life to live regardless. We don't all get there the same way,....really the only important thing right now is to not neglect the other areas of your life while dealing with this. So long as you don't allow it to consume you... Link to comment
ramsickle1369 Posted April 20, 2008 Author Share Posted April 20, 2008 Thanks everyone. Time... I am frustrated with time, and exhausted trying to "move forward". I have to admit, the anger often makes being positive quite difficult. I am just tired of the drain. Sorry you all have to feel this, too. Link to comment
karvala Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 Hi Ramsickle...I am so sorry. We are where you are and it sucks. I, too, have tried church...and Prozac, forums, wine, keeping busy, more wine, more Prozac, throwing myself into work...it will pass when it passes. I hope you can at least get some comfort in knowing you are not alone in this. I see a few people say that about work, and I'm curious: how do you motivate yourself to do it? I know when I feel like that work is the last thing I want to do, basically because it just means I have a load of hassle to deal with as well as pain! Or to put it another way, it interferes with my efforts to deal with (over-analyze? ) the pain, so I do my best to minimise the amount of work I have to do at those times (something which unfortunately I'm rather good at). How do you actually make yourself do work to the point of distracting yourself from emotional pain? What thoughts/techniques/what have do you use to get there? Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 I see a few people say that about work, and I'm curious: how do you motivate yourself to do it? I know when I feel like that work is the last thing I want to do, basically because it just means I have a load of hassle to deal with as well as pain! Or to put it another way, it interferes with my efforts to deal with (over-analyze? ) the pain, so I do my best to minimise the amount of work I have to do at those times (something which unfortunately I'm rather good at). How do you actually make yourself do work to the point of distracting yourself from emotional pain? What thoughts/techniques/what have do you use to get there? I know it's hard when you can't find the motivation to work on a good day!!! LOL KIDDING!!! I always felt distracted at work! It depends on the kind of job you have! You just get that broom and scrubber out and head to those toilets with a smile! See how clean you can get 'em!! Link to comment
ramsickle1369 Posted April 20, 2008 Author Share Posted April 20, 2008 I see a few people say that about work, and I'm curious: how do you motivate yourself to do it? I know when I feel like that work is the last thing I want to do, basically because it just means I have a load of hassle to deal with as well as pain! Or to put it another way, it interferes with my efforts to deal with (over-analyze? ) the pain, so I do my best to minimise the amount of work I have to do at those times (something which unfortunately I'm rather good at). How do you actually make yourself do work to the point of distracting yourself from emotional pain? What thoughts/techniques/what have do you use to get there? I try to think of tomorrow... I make plans in my head: "Tomorrow I will do X, Y, Z." I wish I wasn't one of those overly analytical people. It tends to keep me in the past instead of looking to the future. The sad part is that I don't SEE a future without him in it. It's worse than the breakup of my divorce. Of course, the divorce was my choice and I was already done. What's hard is that my XH seems to have moved on (something he was particularly good at and one of the reasons we divorced.) My work is quite taxing and I like it because it does distract me enough. the past week however, the distrcation was also negative making coming home to an empty house that much harder. I miss having that person to unwind with and hold me and tell me it will all be OK. Other times I feel that cleaning helps. Clean out my closet, my drawers, organize something. Basically ANY change helps. I have even painted my bathroom just to have something to do other than sit and reread all of our conversations wondering how it all went to hell in a handbasket... Another thing I do that is quite silly, is I created an online dating profile just for attention. Maybe some day I will meet someone worthy of my time. So far, nothing yet. OH, and I only do the freebie ones! Link to comment
karvala Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 I know it's hard when you can't find the motivation to work on a good day!!! LOL KIDDING!!! I always felt distracted at work! It depends on the kind of job you have! You just get that broom and scrubber out and head to those toilets with a smile! See how clean you can get 'em!! I get a scrubber now? What, is that some kind of promotion? LOL. Link to comment
karvala Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 Yes, exactly. The empty house experience must be just awful. Was it a place you shared with him before? So change is good, and you feel somehow able to do it, knowing that it will help. That's good, and I certainly take your point about the conversations. Going over old ground with a thousand what-ifs is the fast road to more pain, but strangely tempting! And good on you for sticking to the freebie dating sites! Link to comment
zamboa Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 I too keep praying time will heal these wounds...once he moves out it will be better I pray. Thank goodness we have people we can talk to. Take Care Link to comment
karvala Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 I simply have no choice. It is just survival. I cannot lose my job right now. But to answer your question more specifically, sometimes if i need to cry at work I go to the ladies room, or go home at lunch and have a good cry. I know I will always get through the day. It is the nights that are hard for me. Is it the company at work, the people around as well as having a job to do, that helps, do you think? Link to comment
karvala Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 I know, right? If one more person tells me "you just need to move on", I am going to smack them. Even though I know they mean well. LOL, I just do a translation in my head: they say "you need to move on" but I hear "I have no empathy skills; please just pity my inadequate imagination and exclude me from further conversation". Link to comment
karvala Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 I too keep praying time will heal these wounds...once he moves out it will be better I pray. Thank goodness we have people we can talk to. Take Care Oh this is interesting: you've broken up, but still living in the same place at the moment and waiting for him to move out? Sounds eerily familiar. Link to comment
ramsickle1369 Posted April 20, 2008 Author Share Posted April 20, 2008 Yes, exactly. The empty house experience must be just awful. Was it a place you shared with him before? yes, he was here at times. And yes, I see him everywhere I look. And I see all the "what could have been's". So change is good, and you feel somehow able to do it, knowing that it will help. That's good, and I certainly take your point about the conversations. Going over old ground with a thousand what-ifs is the fast road to more pain, but strangely tempting! And good on you for sticking to the freebie dating sites! I read them wondering what I did wrong. I am just tired of being stuck in my head. When I'm out, it's a little easier, but it never goes away. He's always on my lips... and fingertips. Link to comment
ramsickle1369 Posted April 20, 2008 Author Share Posted April 20, 2008 LOL, I just do a translation in my head: they say "you need to move on" but I hear "I have no empathy skills; please just pity my inadequate imagination and exclude me from further conversation". LMAO! Good translation. Link to comment
ramsickle1369 Posted April 20, 2008 Author Share Posted April 20, 2008 One other guy friend tells me that this man just wasn't ready for someone as great as me... Somehow, this helps... Link to comment
karvala Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 One other guy friend tells me that this man just wasn't ready for someone as great as me... Somehow, this helps... You're more charitable than I am, I think! If someone told me that at the moment, I think I'd be inclined to ask the person if they were ready for someone as great as me instead then, and if not to be careful when turning their head because their nose was growing. But actually, I can see what you mean. Link to comment
karvala Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 yes, he was here at times. And yes, I see him everywhere I look. And I see all the "what could have been's". Oh yes, that's it. Or in my case, the "what were's" even, or the "how it used to be". Which of course lead to the "what could have been's". I read them wondering what I did wrong. I am just tired of being stuck in my head. When I'm out, it's a little easier, but it never goes away. He's always on my lips... and fingertips. Yes, this is always the puzzle. What did we do wrong? How were we not good enough? What could we have done differently? The trouble is, even when you find answers to these, it's not terribly comforting. I know some things that I did wrong (though not right at the end), but all it does is reinforce my sense that I wasn't good enough somehow, and that I will never succeed in future, which is not really what I want to think. Link to comment
ramsickle1369 Posted April 20, 2008 Author Share Posted April 20, 2008 Yes, this is always the puzzle. What did we do wrong? How were we not good enough? What could we have done differently? The trouble is, even when you find answers to these, it's not terribly comforting. I know some things that I did wrong (though not right at the end), but all it does is reinforce my sense that I wasn't good enough somehow, and that I will never succeed in future, which is not really what I want to think. Nor SHOULD you think that! I know... I know... I think it too. I am beginning to replay all the little white lies... and it pisses me off. How I could have been so blind (ok--divorce tends to blind you, albeit) But I saw the signs and ignored them because the sex was amazing. I could rip his clothes off with my teeth! ARRRG.... I hope to find that ONE thing I did wrong, fix it, then say "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!" But the fact is that ANY contact from me is me proving I HAVEN'T changed. I need my time to reflect... and see him for the player he is... Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted April 21, 2008 Share Posted April 21, 2008 The lying is just such a deal breaker...I mean...disgusting when a grown man lies like a child! YUCK!! Mine would lie like a teenager!!! Link to comment
karvala Posted April 21, 2008 Share Posted April 21, 2008 Nor SHOULD you think that! I know... I know... I think it too. I am beginning to replay all the little white lies... and it pisses me off. How I could have been so blind (ok--divorce tends to blind you, albeit) But I saw the signs and ignored them because the sex was amazing. I could rip his clothes off with my teeth! ARRRG.... Clearly he didn't buy good quality clothes, so you've had a narrow escape there! LOL I know what you mean though; we see what we want to see and explain away the rest. And boy, are we good at it. I hope to find that ONE thing I did wrong, fix it, then say "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!" But the fact is that ANY contact from me is me proving I HAVEN'T changed. I need my time to reflect... and see him for the player he is... Well what really annoys me is that with the help of some counselling I did actually fix the one thing that was identified as wrong, and for the last month or so of our final attempt, everything was fine, and she admitted that it seemed okay now. But then decided to call it quits anyway! I feel thoroughly cheated as a result of that, I can tell you! It's good that you can see and hopefully feel the benefits of not contacting him. Link to comment
nickbroken Posted April 21, 2008 Share Posted April 21, 2008 Yoga helps...me anyways...so does tarot.....I read my tarot today....a full reading.....yeah.....I think i accidentally read my ex's also....... Link to comment
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