loveydovey Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 We didn't officially decide to live together, it started off where I asked him to stay the night every night and now he calls this place home. I had a conversation with him and told him that we should either officially decide to live together or not at all. We decided to live together. I guess I don't understand why he won't pay any bills? At first he was a visitor to my home, but now that we've decided it's our home, I'd think he'd step up to the plate and offer to pay bills A & B. But he hasn't. Over the past month, I've brought up the suggestion of him to start paying the light bill (he doesn't make that much money right now at his job) and he kind of answered it but mostly brushed it off. I just feel like if someone won't do something on their own without me constantly telling them then that takes away the meaning behind it, and plus I don't like to nag Okay so tell me the truth, give it to me straight.........I should just kick him out, right? Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 Has he lived on his own before? Link to comment
loveydovey Posted April 19, 2008 Author Share Posted April 19, 2008 Has he lived on his own before? No he has not. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 kick him out to get his own place. Once he's lived on his own for a year, he'll come back a better boyfriend. I've seen this happen before. He'll be forced to get a higher paying job with more responsibility, have his own things, pay his own bills, etc. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 btw, my uncle just did this to his girlfriend. She moped for a little but then realized that this wasn't him being all comit-o-phobe. Going from parents house to SO's house is like always having some one take care of you. Link to comment
Penny_Lane Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 I think you need to talk to him about. And don't beat around the bush when you do it, give it to him straight so there's no misunderstanding. Tell him to pay his half of the rent or find somewhere else to live because it's unfair to you that you have to support him. Link to comment
loveydovey Posted April 19, 2008 Author Share Posted April 19, 2008 btw, my uncle just did this to his girlfriend. She moped for a little but then realized that this wasn't him being all comit-o-phobe. Going from parents house to SO's house is like always having some one take care of you. he kicked out his gf? Link to comment
loveydovey Posted April 19, 2008 Author Share Posted April 19, 2008 The crazy thing is if I kick him out, he'll more than likely go back to live with his folks and still won't be concerned about being independent Link to comment
Lucy__lou Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 No he has not. Oh dear. Get ready to play teacher. For a few years and expect it to be an uphill battle. Personally I wouldn't move in with a boy who didn't have a LOT of experience living independently, (boy's are slow learners), and who I was absolutely positive I didn't have to 'nag.' If you're living together, you should be splitting bills 50/50. If he can't afford to live independently (i.e. splitting rent and bills and expenses), then he isn't ready to move in with you or anyone, he has to move back with his parents until he's a big boy. (unless you for some perverted reason want to be his sugar mamma and support him). One issue that I imagine comes up with women living with boys straight out of home, whether they're the girlfriend or just a friend, is that the boy can sometimes project his infantile expectations of his mother on to the new female friend or girlfriend, where he expects them to do for him all that his mother did for him. Unless you want to take on a big long exhausting job of training him to be an adult, then it's time to (lovingly) send him on his way. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 he kicked out his gf? Slowly but surely, her stuff started to pile up in his house. She started staying over for longer periods of time. He finally put his foot down and told her that she needed to get her own place (she was living at her parents place at the time). She moped but then got excited about having her own space. He helped her find an apartment in a good area. He went shopping for her things. She used to work at gamestop and worked minimal hours. She has since gotten a career. Not only did it strengthen their relationship. It made her grow up and realize that she could be independent. Link to comment
Blue Streak Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 I should just kick him out, right? Yes. He should have never moved in in the first place. My advice for you is to check out DR. Laura's website/radio show. She is a goddess of intelligence when it comes to relations and will put you in your place. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 One issue that I imagine comes up with women living with boys straight out of home, whether they're the girlfriend or just a friend, is that the boy can sometimes project his infantile expectations of his mother on to the new female friend or girlfriend, where he expects them to do for him all that his mother did for him[/i]. And NOTHING is sexy about having to baby your boyfriend. Link to comment
loveydovey Posted April 19, 2008 Author Share Posted April 19, 2008 Oh goodness, everything you said is my worst nightmare! Link to comment
loveydovey Posted April 19, 2008 Author Share Posted April 19, 2008 It's really been affecting my happiness in the relationship. I feel myself beginning to feel resentful that he doesn't care about me and this relationship enough to do the right thing. Which makes me question how much he really loves me Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 it'll only get worse if you don't do something about it. You can't make him change but you can at least let him know that this isn't going to fly. Link to comment
RayKay Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 Personally, I would not live with someone whom has not lived on their own before and shown they are independent and self-sufficient and responsible. I have lived with my partner a few years and it's great, I am glad we do, but there were certainly adjustments even for two people whom had lived on their own for a number of years before - I cannot imagine living with someone whom had no clue what it took. I have seen a few friends move in with people whom never lived on their own before (or both never did) and to be quite honest, none of them have worked out for many of the reasons you are already seeing. In this case, it is almost more like he "just stopped going home" then it even being a mutual decision to actively live together. I think that you need to tell him he either has to start showing responsibility, or he has to move out. Link to comment
loveydovey Posted April 19, 2008 Author Share Posted April 19, 2008 Thank you all. (((hugs))) I really do appreciate it I don't know if it's my over-niceness getting in the way Or if I'm just afraid of what his response will be.... But, I don't know how to tell him and stick with my decision. I like him being here all the time and cuddling and spending time together. I love him. We have been together for almost 3 years........we were long distance for a little over 1.5 years.....and we've been in the same city for 3 short months now. Link to comment
Anna. Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 The crazy thing is if I kick him out, he'll more than likely go back to live with his folks and still won't be concerned about being independent This was my problem w/ my ex. You can't make this man do ANYTHING he doesn't want to do or isn't going to do. All you can do is take care of and stand up for yourself. Link to comment
loveydovey Posted April 19, 2008 Author Share Posted April 19, 2008 Ok, I just suggested to him that we should go to a cafe and have a drink or something and that I'd like to talk. We're going to head there in a half hour or so. This has really been on my mind the last few weeks, so I just want to go ahead and do it and say what I'm feeling once and for all. (........I just hope I don't punk out once we get there I'll let you guys know how it goes Link to comment
Anna. Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 just remember if you dont tell him now the situation will only get worse. Link to comment
Excalibur Posted April 21, 2008 Share Posted April 21, 2008 So where did he lives before living with you? Link to comment
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