Gone to the dark side

[lychee1]

I think I have gone to the dark side.

 

I thought I have been doing well. I have NC with my ex for 1 months now. We have been on and off for a while, it was very hard for us. We both love each other, but also cause so much PAIN for each other.

 

I thought I was doing well, and healing.

 

Then I hear his voice and laughter from the window of my house. He was visiting my neighbor, and of course I hide in my house until he's gone.

 

But that has started to make me go crazy with missing him!!

 

I finally did something bad! I called him with a block number to hear his voice again. I did it for 3 times.

 

Of course I can't talk to anyone about this, because they all think it's a good thing that we are not together! But I can't help missing him!!

 

HELP!! How do I stop this madness

[BellaDonna]

Then I hear his voice and laughter from the window of my house.

 

But I can't help missing him

Think of all the BS he put you through:

 

When you miss him you are only thinking of the good times, and hearing his laughter.....but the bad outweighed the good, and that is why you broke up- because of his temper and all of the arguments. When you were in the relationship with him there was not enough laughter.

[barelyalive]

Lychee, I know the anguish you are feeling right now seems like it will never end.

 

Like you, I was involved with a man who was very jealous and over-possesive, who checked my emails and routinely accused me of wanting to cheat on him. He would follow me around town if I went out, and if another male friend spoke with me, he would take off in a huff, leaving me alone and embarrased in front of my friends. If I tried to do something with my friends that lasted longer than he thought it should, he would call my phone ten or more times, trying to get me to come home, accusing me of cheating.

 

He has cheated on me twice, perhaps even more times. I don't know, and I don't want to.

 

And yet I still miss him. It's so painful to go through this. Like your ex, mine called me all kinds of names, said I was a b****, said I was selfish, etc.

 

And yet we still cling to those happier times--the times when they could be nice, loving and attentive.

 

The problem is, those were just the honeymoon phases in the cycle of abuse. The good times were insertions, calms between the storms. A true, lasting and loving connection will have the bad times be the insertions, the temporary storms that blow past, only to leave the environment ever-beautiful, ever-hopeful.

 

We accepted crumbs, when we deserve the entire cake. We clung on to the little bit of kindness they demonstrated because we hoped there was really more underneath all that rage and pain we sympathetically saw in the exs.

 

It's okay to feel pain and longing--to have setbacks and remember the good times. Just don't lose track of the reality of what he was--I know it is easier said and done, because I am struggling wildly with it each day. And it's hell.

[lychee1]

Thanks all! It's nice to know that I am not alone out there. I felt really isolated because I can't talk about him. The mention of him and everybody will say why are you even thiinking of him. You are so much better. But I don't feel better.....

 

I will try harder and hopefully overcome this...

[barelyalive]

I know--people not involved emotionally are able to ask "Why are you still pining/hurting/lamenting?" But feelings are real, are part of our souls, as were the people we loved, and even though we had been abused, we still tried to love.

 

It takes time. Time and patience, love and tenderness, toward ourselves.

 

Acceptance--that we do feel, that we do grieve, and that is okay, because that means we did invest ourselves into another, and we tried.

[lychee1]

The disturbing part is that I calling and not speaking. Just listening to his voice. Am I turning into a stalker?

 

I think everybody is right. I have to remember the bad times and not think of the good times now...

 

The scary thing is how soon I forget his bad stuff and just remember our good times together. I would go to bed smiling and remember our good times together. Just everyhting around me makes me think of him!