trash mail Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 removed to risky and may cause problems Link to comment
knightNshiningarmor Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 tell her your not ready to move in until your ready for marriage and that you hope thats where it will lead but your not there yet. Link to comment
Excalibur Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 Basically...she sounds as if she wants to imprison you - and your common sense knows it and is screaming "DON"T". That said, if you want to try cohabitation - don't give up your apartment. You can live there, have your clothes, etc. there - but let your furniture and your apartment remain as it is for 6 months or more, while you pay rent. You've somewhere to return if this doesn't work out - and from the sound of it - it won't. She won't be more trusting when you move in...she'll be more terrified at that point that you'll leave and she'll never want you out of her sight. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 It sounds like she is actually quite controlling..having issues with you going out with friends...not a good sign. Did she pull the plug on the relationship because you don't want to move in? How long have you two been together? I see her pressure as a screaming red flag. Just because you are not in your twenties doesn't mean you should be rushing things. Moving in will not solve the arguments...if anything it will result in her being more controlling, especially if you are moving in to her place. I think it would be a big mistake to move in with her at this point. Link to comment
trash mail Posted April 18, 2008 Author Share Posted April 18, 2008 removed to risky and may cause problems Link to comment
Hope75 Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 Having read what you wrote I would absolutely not move in with this woman. Her insecurities and trust issues are not going to be resolved by you moving in with her; it will just keep you closer to her so she can control you more, and feed the problem. I am not an advocate of moving in to try and solve issues in the relationship- I have never seen it work and I think you are spot on in saying it will only make things harder because the issues will only get worse and then you will have no where to retreat to. What is it that she has issue with when you go out and see your friends? That sounds very controlling. Link to comment
trash mail Posted April 18, 2008 Author Share Posted April 18, 2008 This just sucks... She is a really great person, her insecurities just get in the way. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 This just sucks... She is a really great person, her insecurities just get in the way. I'm sure it's hard. But can you live with being controlled and constantly having to reassure someone when you are doing nothing wrong? I know I couldn't. Link to comment
RayKay Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 I feel that she over reacts and is the jealous kind. She recognises this but thinks that if i move in it will stop. Um.........based on this....NO NO NO! Do NOT move in with her. I agree, she says she would change but that's B.S. and even YOU know it. She should not need a "change in living situation" to be less controlling and jealous, and if SHE thinks things will change she will find she becomes even more controlling of your time (and you will too...after all now that you live together you "should" report even more to her about your time and so on...). No WAY would I advise living with someone whom cannot respect your own personal growth, need for independence and trust you to be able to heck...go out with your friends alone! A relationship should enhance our lives, not become a prison on to itself. She does not possess you and dating you does not give ANYONE the right to then decide to make your life choices for you and tell you what to do and what not to do. In a healthy relationship, you trust one another to make decisions that respect one another, that are fair to one another, and are honest and loving. Not because you FORCE them to or prevent from even having the option to make those right choices. I have lived with my partner for over three years now, and it is not easy even when there aren't these insecurities and such.....it is not just like a big long sleepover by ANY means, and I agree with you that if there are issues NOW, moving in together will NOT solve them and will not make things better (and is not advisable). Her insecurities are NOT your burden to bear to be quite frank. She "needs" reassurance and so on because SHE feels insecure about herself and NOTHING will solve that until she deals with them for herself. Link to comment
trash mail Posted April 18, 2008 Author Share Posted April 18, 2008 she is my friend i wish i can help, i still care very much for her. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 I do not relish living with anyone but myself. Even my son feels like an intrusion sometimes. My bf and I have been together many years and we still don't live together. I don't want that! He understands and accepts that. We spend time together every day and I sometimes spend the night, though even that is pushing it for me. We are not young and neither one of us wants to feed any insecurties we may have by living together. I think that is what your gf is trying to do and that is a recipe for disaster. Could it be that you are also not the type of person who needs to live together or be married? There is nothing wrong with that. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 I do not relish living with anyone but myself. Even my son feels like an intrusion sometimes. My bf and I have been together many years and we still don't live together. I don't want that! He understands and accepts that. We spend time together every day and I sometimes spend the night, though even that is pushing it for me. We are not young and neither one of us wants to feed any insecurties we may have by living together. I think that is what your gf is trying to do and that is a recipe for disaster. Could it be that you are also not the type of person who needs to live together or be married? There is nothing wrong with that. well said... Link to comment
trash mail Posted April 18, 2008 Author Share Posted April 18, 2008 i want a future with kids and a wife, but i dont want a prison Link to comment
trash mail Posted April 19, 2008 Author Share Posted April 19, 2008 thanks all for your advice. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 she is my friend i wish i can help, i still care very much for her. I'm sure she is, and that you do. But this is something she needs to get a grip on and change- and feeding into her insecure behavior by moving in with her will only perpetuate the problem and make things worse. You can't do this for her- and if she isn't willing, there's nothing you can do to assist. Trust me, I've lived with an insecure, controlling guy- I did so for 5 years when I was younger. Eventually I lost all my male friends (and some female) and it felt more like I lived with a parent than a partner. Don't do it. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 i want a future with kids and a wife, but i dont want a prison This is well said and I urge you to think long and hard about it and hopefully you will figure out that asking this girl to move in (and marry you at some point) will make your life just that- a prison. Link to comment
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