messenger05 Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 So I am definitely on my way to healing as I feel ok some times, but the last few days I've had this incredible urge to to contact the ex. For no reason in particular, only that I miss her and want to hear her voice. I know these things happen during the healing process, but besides keeping busy, what can you do to make it happen less or make the pain less when it does happen? I'm not going to contact her, but the pain in my heart is tearing me apart - all while I have to keep a cool, calm face on the outside. Link to comment
Stella Sleepwalks Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 The last few days I have been dying to see his face and here his voice. I feel like I have come so far by doing NC, but I am still in love with him. Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 Me too! Do you have any goals for yourself? A friend once told me that if anything good comes out of rejection...it is that we are motivated to better ourselves!!! xx Link to comment
MorbidMetalHead87 Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 In a previous post of mine I wrote about how bad me contacting an ex went. I would say don't bother I am still hurt over the way he acted when I only wanted to say hi. Link to comment
Lugh Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 It happens, it comes in waves , some days youre flying it and the next youre down and think that youre back to square 1. its ok it passes quicker each time and isnt as bad as the last, its a sign that your moving on and healing, just work through it, be nice to yourself go to the gym , journal etc it will pass . think of it as progress Link to comment
messenger05 Posted April 15, 2008 Author Share Posted April 15, 2008 The last few days I have been dying to see his face and here his voice. I feel like I have come so far by doing NC, but I am still in love with him. Stella how long has it been for you now doing NC? You do seem like you're doing pretty well on the outside but I know what its like to feel torn up on the inside. Link to comment
messenger05 Posted April 15, 2008 Author Share Posted April 15, 2008 Me too! Do you have any goals for yourself? A friend once told me that if anything good comes out of rejection...it is that we are motivated to better ourselves!!! xx Yeah I'm really trying to improve my relationship with my friends that suffered because of my relationship with the ex... its going pretty well there. I've also increased my intensity at the gym lately - probably because I've needed to get out some frustration! Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 Good for you messenger! After every tough breakup...I get another college degree! LOL I'm thinking about a PhD now!! Link to comment
messenger05 Posted April 15, 2008 Author Share Posted April 15, 2008 kitty, mmh, and lugh - the feelings during these down times are just consuming me - I am definitely not going to contact her until I feel like I can be just friends with her. Thanks... sorry I just need to vent sometimes and remind myself that I'm not alone in these feelings Link to comment
Artop Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 You are not alone. Just remember most likely you will not feel better after you call her. I learned this the hard way (too many times!) Each time, I think "this time it will be different". It never was. Believe it or not, as time goes by, these thoughts actually become less frequent. Link to comment
Mustang Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 I get up moments and bad moments but I know that contacting my ex now would be the worst thing in the world to do. Although, I'll be honest, part of me wants to contact her again just so I can have a go at her for treating me the way she has. Her justification email did nothing but piss me off. Yes, I do miss her and probably still love her but I am trying not to think of it that way now. I am trying to hang on to the idea that she dumped me for someone else and be angry with her. I know what'll happen if I bump into her one day. I'll be the nicest guy in the world. I just hope that if/when she contacts me or we bump into each other again I will be strong enough to put her in her place. Link to comment
cr44hill Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 I gave into my urge to contact her and sent an email last night. She responded this morning with a friendly email. It said what she had been up to and asked a few things about me. She is certainly up for responding. She never initiates it. This was after 19 days of NC. The same thing happened after 17 days. I'm not going to beat myself up over it, it did feel good to contact her and hear from her. But I'm just afraid this is holding me back in my long term healing. I am not going to pressure myself with the NC, if it happens, it happens. I may end up sending her another email within the next week, in fact, it's likely. I'm sure I'll get a short, more curt reply. I don't know if she feels guilty/sorry for me, is just playing the 'higher road', or is interested in hearing from me. So, maybe I'm entering a period of LC, we'll see, I'm too exhausted to keep labeling what I'm doing in reference to her. Got some dates (with other women) lined up so we will see where those go, nothing serious, just casual for now. Link to comment
Artop Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 As long as you have no expectations, it's okay to do LC. It's that little glimmer of hope that holds us back from healing. I feel like I am keeping a dying flame alive by doing contacts. I know it eventually will die but I am afraid to face that moment. Pathetic, I know. Link to comment
cr44hill Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 Artop - I tell myself I have no expectations, but is that reality? probably not. It's almost like I've bought myself some time and now I need to try to find other methods to get over her before the deep longing sets in again. Maybe I get in 5-6 more workouts, which increases how I feel and my self-confidence, and that furthers the healing process along......and maybe I start to see a therapist about it..I don't know. I'm just doing what feels good right now. A little dramatic, but I heard someone compare it to taking pain medication to address a severe injury without doing the necessary surgery - it provides temporary relief but prolongs the overall injury....oh well.....more moraphine over here please!!! Link to comment
Artop Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 Good, Cr. Go to the gym, go out with others. Just knowing there are others who are interested in you helps a lot. Pretty soon, you realize, you can not base your whole life on ONE person's opinion. I am thinking, if any of my supposely good friends treats me like my ex did, would I ever want to associate with them again. No.... I sure wouldn't be thinking night and day about getting in touch with them. It's my heart playing tricks on me!! Link to comment
cr44hill Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 Artop - Thank you! That is a great point about basing my value on one person's opinion. Part of me wishes she wouldn't respond or responded in a "don't contact me again" manner, that would make it tougher in the short run, but maybe in not so in the long run. Either way we'll get through this. Link to comment
messenger05 Posted April 16, 2008 Author Share Posted April 16, 2008 Hey all, just finished another day of ups and downs... although today's ups were a little better than yesterdays and the lows were a little easier than yesterdays. I hope it keeps getting better! I really do think that once the ex breaks up with us we have to cut off ties so that we can heal. Only when we are healed can we go back and have that friendship with them if we choose to. It really is that little hope that kills the healing process. You think you can move on, but when they drop the bomb that there is no more hope, you're devasted Link to comment
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 16, 2008 Share Posted April 16, 2008 Thankfully my ex hasn't dropped that bomb yet. I don't honestly expect her to do so and yeah, I want the NC so I can heal in case it is forthcoming. Link to comment
brandnew1 Posted April 16, 2008 Share Posted April 16, 2008 i have felt the same way as the OP... for some reason tonight i had this HUGE urge to call my ex out of the blue. im not sure if its because i wanted to hear the surprise in his voice as after he dumped me i went NC without telling him, just ignoring all his contacting... or if it's because i truly miss him and want to hear his voice. i think it's the latter. but i know im not healed yet so i have to keep on trucking with this NC. this is miserable. Link to comment
messenger05 Posted April 16, 2008 Author Share Posted April 16, 2008 i have felt the same way as the OP... for some reason tonight i had this HUGE urge to call my ex out of the blue. im not sure if its because i wanted to hear the surprise in his voice as after he dumped me i went NC without telling him, just ignoring all his contacting... or if it's because i truly miss him and want to hear his voice. i think it's the latter. but i know im not healed yet so i have to keep on trucking with this NC. this is miserable. Yeah it really is miserable - but it will get better... Keep fighting that urge - I know its hard, as I continue to struggle with these feelings but we have to continue this healing process without any setbacks Link to comment
Mustang Posted April 16, 2008 Share Posted April 16, 2008 I have a really strong urge to contact my ex today. I have no idea why. I suppose it just hurts to think that she's probably having the time of her life without me bothering her. I just wish she knew how hurt I am. She dumped me for someone else and doesn't know that I know. I hate the fact that she's got away with it. Link to comment
messenger05 Posted April 16, 2008 Author Share Posted April 16, 2008 Mustang - I'm sorry for your situation, its tough to be treated like that... If you two really had something together though, I'm sure she does think of you and knows that she hurt you. Maybe she feels so guilty for what she did that she can't talk to you. Try not to assume that she's having the time of her life without you - assumptions at this point are always going to be hard on the dumpee. She might be just as upset as you but trying to put on a strong face to everyone else. Link to comment
cr44hill Posted April 16, 2008 Share Posted April 16, 2008 Mustang, Contact her! call her out, whether she acts like she cares or not, you should let her know you know about the other guy. F-That, at least she'll know she didn't fool you. It's a no-brainer - contact her, call her out! There is no downside. Link to comment
Mustang Posted April 16, 2008 Share Posted April 16, 2008 Mustang, Contact her! call her out, whether she acts like she cares or not, you should let her know you know about the other guy. F-That, at least she'll know she didn't fool you. It's a no-brainer - contact her, call her out! There is no downside. I don't want to give her the satisfaction. It will make the last two weeks of NC seem like I've done nothing but sit around and think of her. It'll be another ego boost for her. Plus I know what'll happen. She'll turn it round and use whatever I say against me. She'll have a go at me for accusing her. She'll stand up for herself. She won't be apologetic. She will deny everything and even if she admits it, she will throw a load of lies around it to make her look like a good person. She'll make me feel like the bad guy. It'll make me look worse in her eyes and it'll justify her decision. She won't feel bad. She won't try and explain herself to keep me in her life. She doesn't care. She said in her last email that she feels "so so guilty" and never wanted me to feel bad. I'll let her feel guilty. If I launch an attack on her it may upset her but she'll have new guy to console her and I'll be the bastard ex that's been mean to her when she's already explained she feels bad. I just have to ride it out. As time goes on, I'll get over it and her guilt might get worse. You think you know some people... Link to comment
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