At a crossroads, advice what to do.

[redtan]

A while ago my 3+ year relationship with this girl ended. She dumped me because she wasn't sure how she was feeling about us getting very serious and wasn't liking the kind of guy that I was turning into (more on this later). She said she needed space to think and whanot. At first I did all the bad things dumpess do (begging, pleading, saying I'll change etc). That did not work obviously, and I just slowly started to let things go and move on. While it was tough at first, the biggest step for me was realizing that what she said was true: I was becoming a person that I did not want to be (being lazy, overweight, ignoring my friends, not wanting to go out or do much). Now that she was gone, I started to become myself again, getting in shape, being active and social, getting together with old friends and making lots of new ones.

 

Because of that, I sort of agree with the breakup and see it as a blessing (not because I hated her or that we had a bad relationship) but because I was not myself. This has helped me move on really well, and can say that I am over the breakup and the initial sadness and depression. But obviously, I would love to be able to get her back, and not only show her how much I've changed and how I've become the person that I used to be, but to be able to live my life with her by being this person again and enjoying our relationship like we did when we met.

 

Just recently tho, she's been messaging me just saying hi and asking how things are going. Ignored them at first, but the last one I replied once with "I'm doing great thanks" and just left it at that. She saw that I was not being responsive, so she just left it at "I see you don't want to talk to me now, but if you ever do, I'm here".

 

So this is my dillema: do I just talk to her casually as friends (learned my lesson on what happens if you constantly bring up the relationship) and go from there with whatever happens, or do I keep ignoring her/ act like I don't need her in my life at all and play the "let her miss me/ let her chase me a little/ see if the saying you want what you cant have is true"?

 

I know people say that NC is for getting yourself back, not to get them back, which I can definitely say I have. So by this idea I should try and maintain a friendship with her, as that's exactly how we got together to begin with. But at the same time, I see from many people saying that letting them miss you and giving them something that they can't have makes them want to chase you. So what should I do? Go with the trying to be casual friends or give her somemore time to miss me and whatnot?

[Cognitive_Canine]

if she wanted you back, would you go?

[redtan]

I wouldn't just drop everything and go back to what we had, I would want us to start fresh and take things slow and go from there.

[Cognitive_Canine]

do you think that would be good for you? Do you think you could keep yourself from getting back into old habits? Do you think she has truly changed for good?

[redtan]

I do think it would be good for me granted I don't fall in the same trap again. I like my life now and adding a great companion like her would be even better (i know this because we were like this in the beginning before I at least started changing). From my side of this, I know that I will not go back to the same old habits, because for 1 I hate that person, and like how I am now and 2 obviously doing that made me lose the person that I loved, so it would be a win win situation for me and no reason to do it.

 

As for her, I am not sure if she's changed or not. I haven't spoken to her nor seen her in a couple months but I have a feeling that she sorta knows that I've changed. Before she would always pull away, not want to talk to me all that crap, so seeing how now she's the one initiating contact and wanting to talk makes me think that she's changed her views on me compared to when we just broke up. Obviously I have no facts to base that on, that's why I'm debating whether to just keep ignoring her and see if she misses more or start casually talking to her and see what her intentions are.

[Cognitive_Canine]

well, seems like she is ready to reach out. I wouldn't worry about sounding needy, she is coming to you, after all. I'd respond back. Just mimic the amount of contact she does. You guys will most likely get back together. Or at least be good friends.

 

 

Also, I was just checking to make sure that you wanted to get back together. Sorry for the prying but my answer would be different otherwise.

[EyesOnThePrize]

redtan - I think she's inviting the contact, which is great, however I think you should clear with yourself what you are expecting from her. Friendship? Friendship leading to a relationship? An instant relationship if she said she wanted that? If she has one expectation and you have another, I think you'd be on a bad path. Maybe the first time you guys get together that would be a good topic of conversation. And, IMO, a "Well, let's start as friends and see if we feel the romance again" is a decent answer.

[redtan]

And, IMO, a "Well, let's start as friends and see if we feel the romance again" is a decent answer.

 

That's exactly how she believes it works. When she mentioned if we ever would get back together, she said it would have to be from friends first.

 

I think she wants to start a friendship right now with no expectations whatsoever, but knowing how she feels about relationships and their beggining (given this is how we started also 3 years ago), I am inclined to go with this route as it's my best and only chance (as friends first).

 

Tho like I said, I'm not sure exactly if I should try and give her more time to miss me and then go ahead with the casual friendship, of if I should start it now. I just don't want to "let her miss me" tooo long that she forgets about me. Basically I don't want to miss the boat is what I'm saying by playing the waiting game too long. But at the same time, I don't want to jump into friendship to early.

[EyesOnThePrize]

That's exactly how she believes it works. When she mentioned if we ever would get back together, she said it would have to be from friends first.

 

My ex made the comment to me several times "You have to be my friend first before you can be anything else." I agree with that, however I'm not at the point where I feel comfortable being her friend. I'm still too damn in love with her.

[AronSchneider]

My ex made the comment to me several times "You have to be my friend first before you can be anything else." I agree with that, however I'm not at the point where I feel comfortable being her friend. I'm still too damn in love with her.

 

Well! Me and my Ex started up as friends and then she developed feelings for me. It took my like 6 months or something to get in loved with me. But now five years later we have a history. It is rather hard to go back to be friends! Its tuff as hell. It will be very tuff for me because I will move to another city after the summer....

 

It most be some way to get your ex back!