I need some feedback!

[blender]

I do......

 

But, when should I say such a thing?

 

Because at this point I see progress being made. It scares me to think to say such a thing when she's telling me, "I love you" ..."Thank you for sticking with me through this" ..."I'm feeling better about myself" ...."I miss you" ....progress progress. And it hasn't been two months yet.

 

Eddie, can you express what progess you are seeing?

 

Are you still feeling as if you are walking on eggshells? Do you still fear that she might be a "brat" again? Do you know for sure that you are both on the same emotional bridge and are willing to cross it together through good and bad times? Are you in a relationship? Are you a couple? Does she make an effort to be in YOUR life in a full, complete, understanding and committed way?

 

Or are you hoping that she will be cured of her own pattern, and that you can love her enough to cure her of herself? See it's not about making someone else's life feel complete.. because authentic love is about feeling complete and happy on your own and then SHARING that with the other person, and it's not about ATTAINING completeness, or happiness FROM the other person.

 

She has to grow enough to feel complete and happy on her own BEFORE she could authentically love another in a healthy way. so just know that as much effort and commitment YOU are putting into this journey, you also deserve to have a woman in your life who not only recognizes this quality in YOU, but who also has it within HERSELF as well.

 

You can not cure someone of thier own unhealthy emotional patterns... you can only set some values and standards for what it is that YOU want from a relationship, and to say them in a loving, clear way... and if she is not emotionally ready to be mature enough to hear you and respond in a respectful understanding way....well, then.. you might be best to let go, heal, and grow, and in time if she ever does enough of her own self discovery to really full cherish herself enough to then cherish YOU enough, then you have a chance..

 

but chasing a "hope" that she "might" grow enough... well that usually leads to resentment.. because she will not have a chance to discover if she wants to make an intentional effort to be a couple with you, if you are there as her "psuedo therapist or teacher".. that will only risk changing the dynamic from a possible "romantic mature relationship" into a parent/child, or teacher/student or victim/rescuer type of scenario.. and trust that you do not want that pattern to become the new habit between you...

 

It's all about knowing what is right and healthy and full for YOUR heart, and to cleary say it, and then let go with love... and if in time she grows enough to understand and embrace a healthy respectful relatioship, then she'll know clearly who the guy is (you) that wants the same thing... but right now it's all about HER, and HER issues, HER learning, HER terms...where are YOU in all this? That's all I am concerned about.. you.

[EddieAdams]

Trust me....I've thought that too.

 

But, like she said to me, "I'm so sick of treating you the way I do. You don't diserve it. I don't love myself right now and it's not fair to you."

 

That was said the first day of the break up. And she has gotten better....and I know it's a long process....but I'm willing to go through it with her. I'm not in any hurry to find someone new....I have no want or need. What kind of man would I be if I could move on and grab another lady 50 days after a "break up" with a fiancee? That would mean that I didn't really want to be married and that I wasn't serious.

 

We are exclusive to each other and have had that discussion. So....why not just try?

 

And the advice you guys give me on how to weigh the odds in my favor and how to maybe improve our situation and or how to stick it out is where im leaning towards.

 

I won't give up until she does.....and she hasn't.

[EddieAdams]

I understand blender,

 

And if things stay in a certain aspect for certain amount of time....then I'll only be able to be her friend. That was good advice.....I don't want to become her therapist at all....and I'll be careful to not go down that road. First of all, when I've tried that....both times she said, "Don't try to be my therapist, please." And that was over a month ago.

 

Because I don't want to be her father.....that leads to no romance, I know that for sure. And in no way has she reached out to me to help...directly.

 

She has taken upon herself over the past 2 weeks to improve herself.....and I've seen a small change in her behaviour. A change that has made her act like the woman I knew just months ago.

 

What I need to know is.........how can I not become that guy.....and still stay THE guy?

 

I think I've done that pretty well lately. She and I talk like we used to....and things are going towards romantic thoughts here and there.....she said that she has felt gross and not physical at all because of her weight and since she has started excersising and eating heathy, like she used to....I see the old Cindy fighting through her depression.

 

Trust me.......it's been all her. I'll just be like, "Good. I'm glad you're feeling better,"

 

She won't allow me to be her therapist, so thats good.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The way you talk about her in your posts is with such awe and reverence that it is like she is some kind of goddess and that her issues are "cute" and not serious. They are serious and she seems to play lip service to her bad behaviour, acknowledging it yet teasingly taking little tiny steps forward just to tease you into thinking maybe things will change. Yet she goes backwards and forwards in her mood and you keep having to remind her to be decent. When she acts like a brat and you tell her a thing or two so she pouts and says "I'm sorry, and I know I am such a b**ch I will do better I promise"...that is all part of her attention-seeking game. My dog has done that...chew up the furniture while I am out, then come home and look guilty and sorry...I get angry at him, he pouts and looks apologetic and tries to lick my face...next day, process starts all over again. People who have low self-esteem will do anything to get attention...they will pick fights to get attention, they will pout, they will go above and beyond normal behaviour in order to get that attention...and this is what you are buying in to. I have seen this played out in several relationships...it never works out well for the person who tries to be patient and understanding. You think there is progress and then BAM, they go sliding backwards and do something very hurtful yet again. Your two weeks of no contact can't even count as no contact...two weeks is not a long period of time. Ever take a two week vacation from work...once you get back to work it is the same old same old. Two weeks is nothing and is not enough time for a person to really think hard about their behaviours.

[EddieAdams]

Update...

 

She texted me Sunday evening to tell me that was finished with her paper and that she would call me to read it to me.

 

She called me around 10 pm and she read her paper and we talked for about 30 minutes...

 

Then she got ready for bed and called me again around 11 pm and we had a 45 minute conversation...

 

The main points of the conversations...Her, "This may be a shock to you, but I've really missed talking to you today." Her, "I wish we talked more." Her, "I've noticed that you don't contact me at all any more." Me, "Well, I've just given you the space you seemed to need at the time...I've allowed you to call me when you're able to." Her, "Have you wanted to contact me?": nervous voice Me, "Yeah, but I figured I'd let you get ahold of me. Of course I've wanted to give you a text to let you know how my day is going." Her, "I must admit, it's made you miss you alot."

 

Then she brought up that she was feeling a little better about herself lately...(with her body) , she said her diet and work outs are going okay. We had a conversation about how I was glad that she was becoming happier with herself although she didn't need to lose weight...I said, "But, by you taking control of your body and your health...you've become a happier person...and thats not a better you...but it's the you I know, you're happier."

 

She then spoke of how I'll be blown away once I see how good she looks...in terms of us being intimate with each other. She said..."I'm looking alot better, you won't even be able to control yourself." : playful voice. Me, "Ah! Just give me that look...where ever we are...and we'll get it on." : playful voice.

 

This was a good sign...she hadn't spoken like that for awhile...since she thought she was over weight and had a problem with herself. She's opening up a little.

 

On monday she called me when she got out of class and she asked me if I wanted to get a bite to eat. I didn't expect for us to get together at all. So, we went and ate.

 

This time, she was in such a better place and mood when we met up. We sat and laughed and we even talked of our relationship in a pleasent way...without getting into a disagreement. When were sitting and talking she said while being flirty, "You're trying to make me feel like your girlfriend"...she was smiling. I hadn't done anything...I said, "Me? That's all on you. You feel like my girlfriend...stop fighting it"....playful. During the entire visit she called me pet names like, babe, babes, baby...when talking to me...but not over the top but like we were in a relationship.

 

We spoke of how we never had a huge falling out and never were unfaithful, physically, or mentally abusive to one another...we just moved really quick and allowed for small little things to snow ball....because of baggage from our previous relationships. I said, "You don't know what you have til it's gone. It's allowed us both to reflect on the mistakes we both made and how simple they would be now to fix. We'll be so much stronger since we've broken up...or what ever you call this." I said, "You know that you brought problems home to me...and I would get defensive instead listening and that when I should of tried to be intimate and understanding sometimes...I thought that if I left you alone while we were in bed that it would make you want to talk about why you had a bad day....but now I know that me being distant sometimes in the bedroom made you feel unattractive....when that wasn't my thinking...I made a bad call...I delt with our disagreements incorrectly, and you should of talked to me more about it." She said, "This really surprises me that you're saying this...I alsways thought that when you were being distant sometimes in the bedroom was because you didn't want to...or that you didn't find me attractive anymore..." I said, "No...that wasn't it at all. You see now that I delt with the situation thinking I was doing a good thing...but now I know that I hurt you sometimes and that I went about it the wrong way." I said, "When we get back together...we should go to couples therapy and have a nuetral person to help us with our small problems so we don't allow them to snow ball." She said, "Yeah. Just like the show Tell Me You Love Me on HBO." I said, "Right." ....I said, "So many couples get back together under worse situatuons than ours had ever gone..." She said, "Yeah. Like people cheating and hitting each other...."

 

As we sat there we played around a little and she and I messed with a piece of ice like we were playing air hockey...being silly. The piece of ice broke on my finger nail and we laughed....the reason for the story? She said..."you should talk about this on your radio show and say you and your girlfriend played air hockey with ice and it exploded on your finger." She's smart enough to know that she said "girlfriend"....since the break up she's been smart enough to say..."tell them you ex etc..." "tell them your lady friend..." "Tell them Cindy..." It sliped out of her mouth but I didn't point it out."

 

We then walked around a store for a while and relaxed...she was getting really tired and she had an hour drive to get back home....she drove me back to my car and we kissed..."Not grandma kissed....but not passionately...yet" and she said, "I love you babes" I said, "I love you too." She said, "Thank you so much for dinner. It was really nice to spend time." We drove away and I gave her a call, I said, "Again. It was very nice to see you." She said, "It was nice to see you too. When I drove away I missed you already."

 

Then........she called me before she went to bed.

[honeyspur]

This is beautiful eddie - keep it going - you've got the momentum you need!!

[EddieAdams]

She called me at 2:41 pm while I was taking an exam.... I couldn't pick up.

 

I texted her and said, "I'm finishing up an exam...

 

She texted, "I know... I forgot."

 

I called her at 2:53 when I was done and we talked for 31 minutes.

 

She said, "I was going to tell you the good news. I lost 6 lbs this week...even while on my period." I said, "O! That's great Cindy....I'm so proud of you."

 

We went on to talk and discuss her healthy change and being healthy and losing weight. She said that she hopes to lose 50 lbs by her birthday in late August. She said, "Eddie, can you even picture me being 50 lbs lighter?" I said, "Wow! You know I love you the way you are....but no." She said, "I know....but can you even imagine it..." I said, "But don't think if you don't lose 50 lbs that you're a failure." She said, "No...I know that if I'm just healthier and have lost the weight I need, I'll be fine." I said, "Now...is this 50 lbs you want to lose condusive to us becoming intimate?" She said, "Oh no....me losing this weight has nothing to do with us having sex. I just think I'm going through a phaze...It won't last too much longer I don't think." I said, "Okay....because 6 months sounded like a long time to not be intimate....I mean, I'll wait but...." : me chuckling. She said, "No....don't even worry about it..."

 

She said, "But do you think you'll even notice the change?" I said, "Well, I see you once or twice a week....and I'm sure that once it starts to get nicer outside and school starts to end, we'll be spending more time together......" She said, "Oh! Of course!" I continued, "So, I guess from now until the end of April, I'll notice the change." She said, "Yeah, I guess since we'll being seeing more of each other... and say when you and I are out somewhere together or whatever and I see someone that hasn't seen me in a while...."

 

She was finally talking like we'll be "together" or maybe that we're already leaning in that direction....but I was smart not to point it out. Before, when we first "broke up" she would say....."Don't pressure me....let's not get too positive...." Of course all that was like 5 to 7 weeks ago.

 

Then we continued to talk about being healthier and how when we lived together that we had bad eating habits and now we're eating much healthier and being more active like we were when we met. Saying that us not living with roommates, like we did when we lived togther....would have been much better for us and that living seperatly right now was good for us. She said, "I don't do very well with roommates...and I had a feeling that it would cause a problem for me....I tried it in college and it didn't work." Then she said, "I can live with you....but not extra people." She said, "The next time I move-in with someone...It'll be with my significant other...you." I said, "Yeah....we would have been better off with just us, because adding other people stressed us out too much and we never left our room."

 

We were talking of the relationship again constructively and giving ways to fix it. Very nice progress....in my mind. All the things she was saying spoke of a relationship....or if we were already two people in a form of a relationship....healing itself. Call me crazy....but that's how it looks. With some people.....you can't point everything out to them. As adults, I feel like talking about this like we are is constructive. When I would ask 5 to 7 weeks ago..."Are we a couple? What are we doing? Are we getting back together?" All those questions never took us any where....so as they say...if you continue to do the same thing and expect different results you're crazy. So, I stoped asking the same questions and gave her space....and let the chips fall where they may, by being supportive, being myself, not allowing her to be nasty, speaking to her like an adult....like we did when we first started as a couple. I even said to her, "Hey, when it gets warmer we should go to the park, or alot of parks, and go running or walking during the spring and summer. Have picnics and stuff." She said, "Sounds good to me. I even have this picnic thing that my mom gave me years ago....I've never used it, I've never been on a picnic with someone before. I could pack us some healthy food like fruit and etc...."

 

I said, "So, you're going straight home after your class?" She said, "I was thinking about it....would you be mad?" I said, "No...I know you have an hour drive home and you want to work out...but I'm not sure when we'll have a chance to see each other because of gas prices. But, if you want to see each other for a little while...think about it durng class and let me know, no big deal."

 

She'll call me after class.....

[EddieAdams]

She called me around 7 pm when she got out of class...

 

We talked for over 30 minutes...

 

I must say, the most amazingly positive conversation since the "break up"...a lot of my doubts, questions, worries....were all answered in some form during this 30 minute conversation.

 

In a nut shell....She said this..."I'm going to go home instead of stopping by, is that okay? You know I love you! I want to make it home to watch Idol and work out. Besides, guess who's going to be staying the night with you for your birthday on Monday? So you shouldn't be too mad?" : excited voice. I was like, "Really? I was thinking we could get a room or something, so we could be totally alone...." Her, "Well, I have alot of good memories of your room and it would be so much nicer...a hotel room just doesn't seem nice...I would feel some sort of uncomfortability there. I would feel so much more comfortable there....and not so much pressure to perform...if you know what I mean?" : playful but confident voice. Her, "I know we can't live at there forever, but I'd like spend time there." I said, "Hmmmmmm....this sounds very interesting." Her, "Well, I'm not promising anything." : sweet voice. Me, "I totally understand...you can't really plan that out...it's no fun that way." Me, "You know...when we get our own place again, we need to make sure that we don't have a tv in our bedroom." Her, "Oh...I totally agree...I told you that from the start, that our bedroom should be a place of peace and quiet. But, I can understand why we had your big flat screen in your room...we couldn't let everyone else use it and not us. And we really didn't want to leave our room and not have time to ourselves." Her, "Yeah, that sucked for us...we ate, slept, hung out, made love...did everything in my room. That wasn't good for us at all. But what were we supposed to do..." Her, "Well, since I've bought a tv, we have two flat screens now....I guess we could figure out something to do with them." Me, "Yeah, when we get a place we could put one in a living room and one in guest room, but none in our bedroom."

 

I kept talking....I do that alot...I'm a radio personality. She calmly started to say that she wanted to listen to the radio on her way home. I said, "Sorry about getting a rant there...Her, "Thats okay. But, I will say...you're so much better about me changing the subject now...you don't get mad like you used to back in the day. I can see that you know I'm not trying to be rude....but MAN...you can talk." Me, "I know, it's a great talent for radio, but not so much for relationships." Her, "It is a great talent....save some of your steam..." Me, "Hmmmmm.....nice! Monday?" Her, "I was talking about your show.....": her laughing and chuckles. Me, "Man! I was thinking about Monday night!" Her, "(laughing) ....you're a dirty old man...." Me, "only for you.."

 

Wow!!! What a great conversation....everything is falling into place! We're acting like we first did when we were first courting each other back in the day. It feels like...we decided to go back in time and start over...but move much slower.

 

I even asked her, "Well, when we get a place....did you want a apartment or house" I was asking so I could think of where to put these huge tv's we have. She said, "I don't even know...that's too far ahead...I need to get a teaching job first." 7 weeks ago when I talked about our future...she would become upset and say I was pressuring her and that we shouldn't talk like that.....now.....since we've had time and space...and time to think and have great conversations....we're talking like we used to when we were engaged and had wedding already planned and half paid for.

 

Good stuff!

[EddieAdams]

Thanks honeyspur!

 

What seems so awesome is that she says she has some plans for my birthday...

 

She's going to spend the night!!!! Her idea...not mine. She brought it up, not me...

 

And of what I know of Cindy...she's never played a guy...especially one who asked her to marry him. From what I know of my prior relationships, a so called "ex" has NEVER wanted to spend the night with me. IT'S NEVER HAPPENED TO ME.

 

I've spoken with some respectable adults about this...they've said to me, "Eddie, this is a really good sign!"

 

She and I are both extremely intelligent, well educated, good hearted, and faithful people. She and I were just engaged 2 months ago...we had a priest, church, rings, hall, photographer, wedding shower (planned), guest list...all paid for, except for the food of course. The wedding was to take place in August.

 

Knowing this...and knowing how she is with me...an "ex" just doesn't take off 2 days of work, drive 70 miles, have plans that she smiles about...and says "It's a surprise...don't ruin it" then spend the entire day with me, spend the night...(in my bed)...then spend most of the next day with me for your birthday. This feels different...this feels like she's trying to take another big step in "THE" direction.

 

I'll be sure not to mention anything about it to her before Monday (my birthday) because it has to be HER plans...not mine. I don't want to get my hopes up too high...but we're both grown adults...and I' pretty sure WE BOTH know what will be on BOTH of our minds.

[blender]

Eddie, if you are "both adults" than try not to fear so much initiating a date for you birthday... it seems she has a pattern of when she's not feeling good about herself she projects it on you, and when she is feeling good about yourself she projects it on you.

 

At some point you're going to want to continue being patient yet also participate in making plans, and initiating contact so YOU can be fully involved in an authentic relationship that is healthy for both of you in time.

 

Take care, let not only your heart be your guide, but also be sure to include your own sense of self into this relationship.. walking on eggshells with her for too long will prove to be tiring.. so be good to yourself as well.

[EddieAdams]

Thanks blender,

 

It means alot. And, it had gotten tiring...already. But, not to the point of giving up....not for a while. I hope it will get to the point where I can feel, think, breath, act with more ease. It seems that for 4 to 7 days at a time....everything is really great.

Then for about 2 to 3 days at a time...it becomes really hard. And I think part of it is because I do it to myself...I allow myself to feel really bad...like, instead of looking at postive prgress...I'll over analyze and make myself feel real bad! That is my issue...not hers. But, her issue is being so hot and cold with me.

 

It's not fair...but I'll be as patient as I can...I know that she loves me...she knows I love her. Just last night, we hadn't spoken with each other for a little over 24 hours...but, at the end of the conversation she said, "Well Eddie...I love you." It's hard to NOT be patient with that. But, I can see myself wearing down emotionally. Back and Forth...back and forth....back and forth. It's not the love that she goes back and forth with...it's the defintion of what WE are.

 

Here's the deal...sometimes it makes me laugh because it becomes so dumb....that it's funny! She will talk about OUR future...she uses words like OUR own place...WE have two tv's...here pronouns are always we we we...and our our our and us us us. The funny thing is...when I say the same thing...half the time she'll become uncomfortable...and say, "You pressuring me..." Hahahahahahahahaha! I have to start looking at this like..."I love this woman, but she's is off her rocker!" I've decided to allow her to say all these things for now....and TRY not to say it back...it's only human but, .....(I'm chuckling right now) ....but.....would I rather take a slow country ride? or Take a ride on a rollercoater? ....which keeps me more on my toes?

 

She just called and said, "Babe!? Happy Easter! She said something about this really good food she made, and I said, "Man Cindy! You always make all this good stuff and I never get any. One day I hope you'll make me some and we'll eat it." She said, "Well, we will...one day when we have OUR own kitchen and WE can sit at a table and eat it without tons of pepole running around us...and WE can be alone...." I said, "We will."

 

See what I'm saying? ......the same conversations we used to have just 3 months ago when we were engaged...I know this lady loves me....and wants no one else but me...and says we're ment to be together....but JESUS!!!!! I wish I could take her to a shrink myself....wow! She's like 90% well ....5% moody....and 5% hot and cold. AH!....LIFE!

 

Well...........tomorrow....should be pretty interesting.

[gee]

Eddie, YOU my man are the MAN!!! God has blessed you both! Keep up the good work and keep us updated as this unfolds into something wonderful! Take care amigo!!! Best wishes!

 

Gee

[EddieAdams]

Yes my brother....

 

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow...I almost said, "I'm really excited about tomorrow." But, I know I have to put this all into perspective...if I get EXCITED...then I can have disappointment...but, if I look forward to tomorrow...I ...well...WHO ARE WE KIDDING?! Either way I may have some form of disappointment if tomorrow doesn't end with that certain thing WE ALL KNOW I'm thinking mite happen.

 

But, my friend Beth gave me some great advice about tomorrow...with her spending the whole day and spending the night with me...IN MY BED, mite I add. Beth said, "If she sees that you're not expecting anything sexual and that you're not pressing the issue, she will feel more comfortable and more open to the possibility." She went on to say, "Don't do anything, let her make the first move! If you make the first move, then 1 of 2 things could happen...The first being shot down and then she will be upset that you tried something when she already said she wasn't ready...Or, number 2, you make the first move and she will go along with it and then after it's done she will feel like she was rushed, regret it, and then resent you for it."

 

Wow! Great advice from my friend. I was going to make the first move, but I'm so glad I have a woman friend who is so good with advice! Along with all of you. She said, "Don't be flirty. And romantic isn't the right thing yet...Just be sweet and nice and yourself and make her comfortable."

 

So....in terms of tomorrow, I'm looking forward to showing Cindy I can chill out, be fun, shut my mouth, let her talk, be confident, be non-pressuring (in terms of talking about the past and the future), and being the Eddie she met when we first started. I think being confident without running my mouth about how we can fix our relationship or being confident without talking about OUR future...I'll leave all that talk uo to her.

 

Let's agree dumpees...sometimes we really know how to put our own foot in our mouths...and sometimes (with good intensions) not know how to shut our mouths and let them talk....we have to let them talk themselves into starting our relationships over again...WE CAN NOT talk THEM into starting our relationships over again...it'll never work. I'm just glad that Cindy does love me so much to have put up with some of those small bursts of future talk...she has to do ALL the talking...and I need to do ALL the listening....until SHE asks me a question! I finally get the GAME (process) ...we all know there is a process to getting back together...there are rules.

 

Cindy is just lucky that I'm as patient as I am... she's lucky that I can look past her flaws and hope that she will continue to improve....LOVE....if the other person is trying to....LOVE IS ALWAYS worth the wait.

 

Let's see how I feel after Monday.....I FEEL GOOD about it....but, realistic, but, optimistic.

[EddieAdams]

She called me at 10:00 pm...

 

We talked for about 25 minutes...

 

I got to talk to her 3 year old niece on the phone. Cindy said, "Do you love Eddie?" Cindy said, "She's always asking about you...she always asks me if she can see your pictures."

 

Cindy said, "I was really missing you. I miss your sweet-ness, or...how you are. It's unexplainable."

 

She said, "I really wish you could of had some of the bread I made today baby. You would've liked it."

 

She called me babe or baby...the whole time...I think she called me Eddie once.

 

Well...........all I know is that I'm REALLY looking forward to my birthday tomorrow. She said, "Can you believe that you'll be 3 decades old tomorrow?"

 

I played it really smooth on the phone. Cool, calm, collected, chilled out...kinda like a cool dude! Wait....the same way I acted when we were first dating! Hmmmmm....revolation!

[blender]

Happy Birthday Eddie,

 

I hope you take this year to become a more emotionally indepedent, instead of this unhealthy emotionally draining pattern of co-dependent with this non-commital woman.

 

You deserve a whole, complete healthy love with someone, but first you have to have it for yourself, and I pray that you will eventually tire of walking on eggshells and set a standard for YOURSELF and choose to define the kind of relationship YOU desire and YOU can offer, and if this girl gets frustrated or stubborn, or whatever, then it's time for you to love yourself enough to let go in a loving way, and say to her:

 

"I care for you deeply but I can not continue this type of unhealthy pattern where you use terms like "we, and our" when in fact there is no actual "we" or "our" or "us" in any official respectful clear way... I don't want to hear about food you cook that you think I would like and yet you don't make ANY EFFORT to share it with me, or bring your full self into my life. You saying to me, "I love you" is not meaningful if there is no consistent effort and behavior to SHOW it.... and I hope you can discover how to love in a healthier way, and if you do, you may call me, and then I'd be willing to try again, but right now this "drama" and "rollercoaster" is leading to a big circle, round and round, I allowed myself to get addicted to that "drug" of uncertainty, and hanging onto anything that i could justify as positive, but I'm learning, and realizing and discovering, and growing up and I now know that for ME, well I need and want to move FORWARD in a clear, committed, honest healthy way with someone whom I love, and I think you may not be willing or ready to do so.. and that's okay, but I can not stay involved and continue to lose a part of myself, I wish you the best and if or when you are sincerely ready to follow through on all of our sweet talks, THEN I'd be willing to talk about "us" again"

 

How does that sound Eddie, is it close to how you're really feeling? if so, then ask yourself why you would consider this relationship you have with her as a potential long term mature relationship when you feel as if you can not be your full, loving, honest, open, complete self with her? How can you build a relationship with someone when you can not be yourself? You actually fear that if you let her know how you feel or what you really want from a relationship that she will "get mad or angry'.. when does that feeling go away? She is who she is, and it's not because of you, or for you, or whatever, it's HER issue... and it's a pattern that has been in place long BEFORE YOU came into her life, and is still going strong, you just have to ask yourself how long you are willing to play an enabling part in it.

[EddieAdams]

IT WENT AMAZING!

 

I feel a huge weight lifted from my chest...

 

She used the phraze, "Our relationship" twice!

 

I didn't mention it back to her or bring it up.

 

We got to be intimate with eacth other...but didn't make love, but we were physically intimate without intercourse. She said, "Eddie, we have to take baby steps."

 

She was having some anxiety about being intimate but she relaxed, I made her comfortable, and didn't pressure her. She kissed me...and we held each other last night and this afternoon for a nap. VERY NICE! She was so nice to me...but not fake nice, Cindy nice. We got to give each other crap without anyone getting upset...and we decided to start to schedule which days out of the week that we would see each other.

 

At dinner last night we agreed in not talking about past issues anymore...we've talked about them enough...we must think of the present...and also not overly talk of the future. I said something about getting my own place in the summer-without roommates. I said, "I'm going to get my own place by the middle of the summer." She said, "Babe, I don't judge our reltionship based on that at all." ........she used the phrase, "OUR RELATIONSHIP." Then today while we were relaxing and reading over some papers her girlfriend called her and it was my old ringer. I said, "Hey, that's my old ringer." She said, "I know, I like that song and you don't call me anymore." in good humor. I said, "Okay Cindy...I'll start calling you again...just wanted to give you space." She said, "That's okay: smiling...giving me crap...I like our relationship the way it is right now." : she nudged me...giving me crap. I said, "Oh, I see how it is....but really, you should give me my own ringer again." She said, "I will..." smiling.

 

She said, "OUR RELATIONSHIP" again.

 

This afternoon we gave each other this huge...gentle huge...she wouldn't let go. We started kind of dancing and holding each other. Before we went to lunch, we gave each other this AMAZING deep...passionate/non-tongue kiss. It was amazing.

 

Before she left around 5 this afternoon, we gave each other this nice embrace with four nice kisses. She said, "I'll call you when I'm done with my meeting." And she drove away waving good bye...with a coulpe of honks of the horn.

 

 

 

Well people....I'd say we've officially turned the corner. We are officially IN a relationship. I have to play it soft and easy with her...and not scream it at the mountain tops! I can't start to be like...."HEY CINDY!!!!!! Leats go have kids next week and spend everyday together and never have time to breath and do everything together and move in together again! I have to play it soft and gentle....let her make a majority of the plans for now....although yesterday at dinner I said, "I'm not going to be nervous to ask you to do something with me....let's get together Friday or Sunday...your choice, okay?" She said, "Alright."

 

Now I must play it cool and more than likely still give her space...it's healthy. She never said to give her space....but, I can't smother her now. It can be easily done when the ex-dumper is now saying that you're both in a relationship now. It's easy for the ex-dumpee to get all CRAZY and SMOTHERING! Not me son---not me.

[lonely83]

This is awesome mate I'm really pleased for you - and I'm going to be asking you for your advice and secrets!!

 

lonely83

[EddieAdams]

Thanks brother.......

 

Now....us being adults, I didn't feel it nessesary for me to get all excited and get stupid and say......"OH MY GOD!! We're in a relationship!!!!!! Yay! I didn't want to scare her and make her think that she was going to be smothered after she sad the phrase, "our relationship..." twice over the last two days together. We had sooooo much fun and quality time while she was here....I think she realized how much fun we have together. But, I think us having this distance of 60-70 miles is good, and if we can see each other about three times a week for about a month or two....would be a good idea. I think that if we can spend the night with each other maybe twice a week....at the most...that would be healthy for now. Too much too soon...COULD be a negative. BABY STEPS.

 

Sometimes going fast is bad....hey, a majority of the time it could be bad.

 

We went really quick the first time....we must learn from our mistakes.

[blender]

Hey Eddie, I'm so happy you had a pleasant Birthday, good for you.. Okay, I can't help but play devil's advocate here on behalf of YOUR precious heart..

 

So here goes: just be as honest with yourself as you can, and remember that at some point you are going to want to define what "our relationship" means, do you think she has the same definition of it as you do? Are you exclusive? Are you planning a future? Are you willing to discuss past behaviors and seek some counseling or therapy to work through them when they surface again? OR

 

Does she not want to talk about the past "issues" that are still alive and underneath all this "eggshell walking"? Does she not want to plan a future toegether and instead just float?.. she also said about you getting your own place, "I don't base our relaitonship on that".. meaning, If you had your own place it wouldn't make any difference to her because she is not planning on moving in? Or that she loves you unconditionally and it doesn't matter who you live with, or where you live?

 

Remember to quote something you "quoted her as saying":

 

You said when her phone rang, "hey that's my ringer".. She said, "I know, I like that song and you don't call me anymore." in good humor. I said, "Okay Cindy...I'll start calling you again...just wanted to give you space." She said, "That's okay: smiling...giving me crap...I like our relationship the way it is right now."

 

 

Does this mean she likes the free and easy way it is, and you not calling her, and she doesn't have to be fully emotionally responsible or committed?? or does it mean, she's in an exclusive relationship with you and you don't need a "specific ringer".. What does "our relationship" mean to her do you think?

 

Not that it matters as much as you knowing for YOUR OWN SELF, what "relaitonship' means to you and that you BOTH SHARE the definition and the values and standards for what it means, knowing this, is what is healthy.

 

Remember for your own sense of self respect and your own heart, that it's not about how "fast or slow" things go, but more importantly how open, honest and respectful and clear you both are as to what your intentions are towards each other, and you can express these without fear, or worry that it would make the other run away or feel awkward...

 

If you discover a sense inside yourself that you are constantly "auditioning, hoping to pass to the next level", yet not fully being open and honest about what you heart wants, and fearful that you might "go too fast or say too much" well that will prove to be exhausting and it's not a solid healthy foundation on which to try and rebuild any relationship. So be yourself, speak your truth, be loving and respectful and hopefullly she will do the same.

 

Best of luck to you Eddie, I'm cheering for you that all good things happen in your life, whether it's meant to be or not.. you're a great guy and you'll do well no matter what.

[dreamguy]

it's not about how "fast or slow" things go, but more importantly how open, honest and respectful and clear you both are as to what your intentions are towards each other, and you can express these without fear, or worry that it would make the other run away or feel awkward...

 

That should be enough to sum up healthy relationships. Well said.

[EddieAdams]

We are exclusive...with out a doubt.

 

We've discussed being exclusive 2 months ago. We started an exclusive agreement right after the "break up". One of the reasons she moved abck home wasn't to "see what was out there" or because she didn't "love me"....she moved abck home because we lived in a small room and never gave ourselves a chance to breath. That, along with her having depression and body issues....she left to heal herself. I've been healing from the situation as well. She is a very faithful person....I know this to be a fact. She has never lied to me. I've asked her, "Is there anyone else that you would want?" She always says, "No. There is no one that could make me happier than you." We've both talked of our faithful-ness over the last two months.

 

The things that she does to me....her calling me....telling me she loves me....misses me....we become intimate for the first time in two months....she speaks of us being in a relationship....SHE mentions the future....then for me to ask her questions and she tells me the truth. If she has been untruthful this whole time....while with holding things from...while we have made this progress......she would have to be EVIL! Cindy is not evil...has never played either one of her prior long terms before me like that and they both were horrible to her. She would never do such a thing to me. I have faith and trust in people I love....if you don't....then life would be horrible.

 

I love her and trust her. Why shouldn't I? I have to be positive....I have to be!

[honeyspur]

I'm so happy for you!!

[gee]

Eddie, again...you are the man! I'm jealous and happy for you at the same time! Do the right thing bro! Enjoy!

 

Gee